Parking Space Race: Woman Sets Record In Orbit Around Local Target (Satire)

DotPenn.com ^ | 12-22-2004 | Sven Waring

[SvenWaring]

Shopper Joanne Glunn begins ticker tape parade at Target parking lot.

While NASA struggles to maintain long-duration space flight operations, an Altoona woman has set a new orbiting record and ushered in a new Parking Space Race.

Joanne Glunn, a frequent mall and department store shopper, has spent the weekend in orbit around the Altoona Target parking lot looking for the perfect front row parking space. Glunn passed on several back row spaces on Saturday, awaiting splash down next to the handicapped row on Sunday.

“That’s one small step for most of mankind,” said Glunn. “But a giant leap for lazy slothful Americans everywhere. Up yours China!”

The dangers of long-duration retail space exploration is well-documented. During Glunn’s previous missions at Target, she was nearly involved in four head-on collisions and was struck by a cherry slushy, tossed by an irate pedestrian.

[Cagey]

George: Alright, now you’re gonna see some parallel parking. (spitting into
his hands and rubbing them together) How I wish you could make a living
parallel parking. (turning around in his seat) It’s all geometry, knowing all
the angles, when to make that first turn and then when to swing it back in,
that’s the key.

[LRS]

I just want to know one thing: Why is it when I am in a low sitting Towncar, dually’s and Explorers and such always find a way to end up parking next to me, making my attempts to back out of my spot when I am done, an adventure? “Anything coming from that direction Honey?” “I can’t see a d@mn thing!”

[SvenWaring]

I used to have an old junky VW rabbit. When I saw someone in a Corvette or Mercedes parked in two spaces, I would take up two spaces next to it.

[Fresh Wind]

A guy I knew had his freshly-painted Porsche keyed for taking two spaces (in a lot that was always filled to capacity). I’m not saying he deserved it, but...

[Publius Valerius]

Taking up two spots is a d-bag move, particularly if it’s towards the front on the lot.

On the other hand, I have sympathy for people who would like to take care of their car, only to go to the parking lot and have some jerk fling open his car door and bang the sides of car in the spot next to him.

I HATE when people park next to my car. I usually park in the far back of the lot, at least five or six spaces from the last car in the lot. It drives me crazy when I come out and see twelve empty spots around my car except for the one right next to mine, where someone has decided to park a foot away from my car—usually having backed in, another personal irritant of mine.

[KarlInOhio]

Back when I had a beater Corolla in college I often parked next to the diagonal parking idiots way out in the boonies of the parking lots.

[Cletus.D.Yokel]

And then there’s the d-bag who parked so close to me at O’Hare that I had to crawl through my car from passenger side (center-console shifter!).

I really wanted to scratch this a-hat’s car, or mash his mirror. But, I had a better idea.

I had an extra-large chisel-tip Sharpie with me so I colored in about 2/3rds of his viewing area and let him know - in colorful language - just how inconsiderate he had been.