Win A Date With (soon to be single) Mrs. Heinz---Post Why She Should Date You

Self | February 12, 2003 | PJ-Comix

[PJ-Comix]

Okay, it looks like Mrs. Heinz might soon be SINGLE and DATING again. Therefore she will be on the make for guys to date. Please post here why you want to date Mrs. Heinz. Best response wins a date with Mrs. Heinz.

[PJ-Comix]

I'll lead off so here goes.....

Hi Mrs. Heinz! First off let me state that the fact that you have $500 million doesn't interest me in the least. The reason why I would like to date you is that I am really into heavily botoxed, nutty feisty women. The fact that you have little sense of humor would be no hinderance to our relationship. I can provide enough laughs for the both of us. Let me be Groucho to your Margaret Dumont. I promise I won't throw you overboard for any AP reporterettes. That hot black-haired MSNBC anchor chick, yes, but definitely not any AP reporterettes. Oh, did I say that I have NO INTEREST in your $500 million? Anyway, let us spend a few romantic evenings on the beach swinging butterfly nets together. Oh, and I am not the least bit interested in your $500 million.

[TheBigB]

Dear Terayza...

They don't call me TheBigEffinB for nothin'.

XOXOXO BigB

[Cathryn Crawford]

Wow. Who wouldn't want to date you?

[cripplecreek]

"Condiments?, I thought you said you were the condom barroness."

[mewzilla]

LOL. I think the Kerrys deserve each other.

[KentTrappedInLiberalSeattle]

Dear Theresa:

I'm not French.

Signed,

KentTrappedInLiberalSeattle

[PJ-Comix]

I've got more than my share of faults but I DEFINITELY do keep the chicks laughing.

[international american]

700 million....I know.....you STILL aren't interested:)

[GeronL]

1. Her eye-sight is fading

2. I'm distant and quiet, she'll never notice me

3.I'm cheap

4.I will never mind that she has to go elsewhere for warmth in the sack, as long as my allowance keeps coming

---

Any wonder I'm single??

[KentTrappedInLiberalSeattle]

Dear Theresa:

Unlike your soon-to-be-ex) husband, I haven't had prostate surgery, yet... so: I can still be "in the 'Nam," if you know what I mean.

Call me.

Signed,

KentTrappedInLiberalSeattle

[Cathryn Crawford]

Someone I know told me that she's extremely hot. Being a woman, I couldn't see it. Is that true?

[KentTrappedInLiberalSeattle]

Someone I know told me that she's extremely hot. Being a woman, I couldn't see it. Is that true?

Sure. If your name is Ray Charles. :)

[dead]

Dear Penthouse Forum,

I am a politician from a small Northeastern state, who is also Vietnam war hero. I've been married for years to a rather frightening looking, but incredibly rich, woman from another country (not Vietnam, where I went to war.) Our sex had become rather mundane, so I never thought I'd have anything interesting to write to Penthouse Forum about, unless you wanted to hear about Vietnam.

That all changed the day I met Linda. She was a hand model and student, and we hit it off right away. Linda was on the equestrian team in college, so I think my long horseface was a big turn on for her. We chatted for awhile, about Vietnam and how much money my wife has, then she reached over and began stroking the metal bolts on either side of my neck…

---

Wait a minute, I think I misunderstood the assignment.

[KentTrappedInLiberalSeattle]

Dear Theresa:

I think you should date me because YEEEEEAAAAARRRRRRRRRGHHHH!!!

Love, Always,

Howard Dean

[Cathryn Crawford]

LOL. Hmmmmmmmm. Okay - I'll assume the person that told me that is crazy. :-)

[KentTrappedInLiberalSeattle]

Dear Theresa:

Mean are just such filthy, traitorous pigs, aren't they?

Call me.

Call me.

Call me.

Signed,

Rosie O'Donnell

P.S. -- have you ever stopped to consider all the wonderful financial benefits of backing an expensive Broadway show starring Boy George...?

[ExGeeEye]

I likes me ketchup the way I likes me women-- thick and a little bitter.

[Ron in Acreage]

She is a liberal phony feminist. Just like Hillary, she will stand by her man. Or how about this for a conspiracy? Theresa leaked the story herself. She did it to dump him so she won't have to pay him alimony. Now she gets the whole house. He borrowed $6million against his half and will have no way to pay it back.

[martin_fierro]

I likes me ketchup the way I likes me women-- thick and a little bitter.

And like her ketchup, she just happens to be wholly Red. <|:)~

[martin_fierro]

Ben Franklin on why younger men should boink date older women:

MY DEAR FRIEND:-

I know of no Medicine fit to diminish the violent natural inclination you mention; and if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is the proper Remedy.

It is the most natural State of Man, and therefore the State in which you will find solid Happiness. Your Reason against entering into it at present appears to be not well founded. The Circumstantial Advantages you have in View by Postponing it, are not only uncertain, but they are small in comparison with the Thing itself, the being married and settled. It is the Man and Woman united that makes the complete Being. Separate she wants his force of Body and Strength of Reason; he her Softness, Sensibility and acute Discernment. Together they are most likely to succeed in the World. A single Man has not nearly the Value he would have in that State of Union. He is an incomplete Animal. He resembles the odd Half of a Pair of Scissors.

If you get a prudent, healthy wife, your Industry in your Profession, with her good Economy, will be a Fortune sufficient.

But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking that Commerce with the Sex is inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice that in your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. This you call a Paradox, and demand my reasons. They are these:

1. Because they have more Knowledge of the world, and their Minds are better stored with Observations; their conversation is more improving, and more lastingly agreeable.
2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Man, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a thousand Services, small and great, and are the most tender and useful of Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an Old Woman who is not a good Woman.
3. Because there is no hazard of children, which irregularly produced may be attended with much inconvenience.
4. Because through more Experience they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your reputation; and regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be inclined to excuse an old Woman, who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his manners by her good Councils, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.
5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part. The Face first grows lank and Wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower parts continuing to the last as plump as ever; so that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old one from a young one. And as in the Dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of Corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal and frequently superior; every Knack being by Practice capable by improvement.
6. Because the sin is less. The Debauching of a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her Life unhappy.
7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend making an old Woman happy.
8. 8th & lastly. They are so grateful!!!