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Steven Wright Quotes
March 24, 2005
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Posted on 03/24/2005 5:38:51 AM PST by COUNTrecount
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To: COUNTrecount
If you are traveling in a space ship at the speed of light and turn on your headlamps, will they do anything?
I met this beautiful, blond... Chinese chick. She was on her way to see her psychologist because she suffered from depression. Her problem was that she was a nymphomaniac who only went for Jewish cowboys. I said, "Hi, I'm Bucky Goldstein."
2
posted on
03/24/2005 5:44:00 AM PST
by
KidGlock
(Get in the pit and try to love some one)
To: COUNTrecount
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. Actually is should be "a vertical expression of a horizontal desire.
3
posted on
03/24/2005 5:46:55 AM PST
by
cowboyway
(My heroes have always been cowboys.)
To: KidGlock
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Arafat. It's been done.
To: COUNTrecount
Someone broke into my house, stole all the furniture, and replaced it with exact replicas.
To: COUNTrecount
Complaint: If you are going to post something this funny, please do it in the evening, after work. It's really hard to stiffle multiple guffaws in a cubicle!
6
posted on
03/24/2005 6:03:17 AM PST
by
Captain Rhino
("If you will just abandon logic, these things will make a lot more sense to you!")
To: COUNTrecount; Tijeras_Slim; Constitution Day; DaughterOfAnIwoJimaVet
I couldn't find my shoes. Looked everywhere for 'em.
So I called Information. I said, "I can't find my shoes."
The lady said, "They're under the couch."
And they were.
To: Captain Rhino
Complaint: If you are going to post something this funny, please do it in the evening, after work. It's really hard to stiffle multiple guffaws in a cubicle! It IS night somewhere.Change time zones.
To: COUNTrecount
I remember my ex-wife had a copy of his HBO Special. I put it on for my dad, who sat there unsmiling at the TV for about half the show and then started laughing his a-- off the rest of the night. Wright's like that; you have to give the jokes a chance to catch up.
9
posted on
03/24/2005 6:11:52 AM PST
by
Father Jack
(Confused, Stupid, and Documented)
To: Father Jack
No one likes to look ignorant, but I got to ask...
Who is Steven Wright?
BUMP for later.
10
posted on
03/24/2005 6:16:05 AM PST
by
Publius6961
(The most abundant things in the universe are ignorance, stupidity and hydrogen)
To: COUNTrecount
Okay, but my wife won't like the idea...
11
posted on
03/24/2005 6:17:55 AM PST
by
Captain Rhino
("If you will just abandon logic, these things will make a lot more sense to you!")
To: Captain Rhino
Stifling them? Heck, I'm calling them out to the other cube slaves :)
12
posted on
03/24/2005 6:17:56 AM PST
by
Tennessee_Bob
(This tagline is Bush's fault.)
To: COUNTrecount
"Steven Wright Quotes" What is strange about Steven Wright is I can't identify his type of humor but if I see a quote by him that isn't attributed to him I still know it is by him.
I love listening to him.
13
posted on
03/24/2005 6:55:43 AM PST
by
Mad Dawgg
("`Eddies,' said Ford, `in the space-time continuum.' `Ah,' nodded Arthur, `is he? Is he?'")
To: Publius6961
Imagine Larry Fine (of Three Stooges fame) with a slightly better haircut, reading those lines in a deadpan, almost catatonic mumble. No "Hey, folks, I gotta tell ya" routines, no snazzy stuff, just a guy up on stage being funny as hell by looking at things from a 90-degree angle to reality.
14
posted on
03/24/2005 7:33:34 AM PST
by
Father Jack
(Confused, Stupid, and Documented)
To: Father Jack; Publius6961
15
posted on
03/24/2005 8:25:06 AM PST
by
ErnBatavia
(ErnBatavia, Boxer, Pelosi, Thomas...the ultimate nightmare Menage a Quatro)
To: COUNTrecount
My high school colors were clear.
MY all time favorite comedian! Saw him once in person and he sat in an overstuffed chair most of the performance.
To: COUNTrecount
I put instant coffe in the microwave and went back in time.
17
posted on
03/24/2005 8:35:03 AM PST
by
freedomson
(Tagline comment removed by moderator)
To: COUNTrecount
These are great.
BTTT so I can find them later.
I just wish I could remember 1/2 of these.
To: freedom1st
I just wish I could remember 1/2 of these. Me too. I try to remember them for work the next day and can remember 1/50th of what I read.
19
posted on
03/24/2005 5:29:58 PM PST
by
Big Giant Head
(Barring all differences, they're identical.)
To: COUNTrecount
Steven Wright...I thought he was funny one time...turns out he was merely ironic...but in a funny way.
20
posted on
03/24/2005 8:14:51 PM PST
by
Khurkris
(This tagline is available on CD ROM)
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