Posted on 03/10/2014 4:10:32 PM PDT by OneVike
I’m a Southern boy (that’s Southern, with a capital ‘S’). My parents are Southern by birth. So were my grandparents. I was born in the South, I live in the South. My blood probably resembles gravy more than it does blood and I’m quite sure my breath smells like fried chicken. I’ll be the first to admit the ‘South’ is different. We’re not the Mid-West, Eastern Seaboard or the West Coast. We’re another country. For that matter, we’re another world. The best example I can think of to demonstrate this fact is the horoscope. Every newspaper in the country publishes one daily. Libra, Cancer, Aries, whatever your sign might be you can always find how the rest of your day, or life, is supposed to turn out just by flipping to the funny pages. Usually on the opposite page you’ll find the horoscopes next to or below Ann Landers. The Southern Zodiac is quite different, and in my opinion, much more accurate.
So, what sign were you born under?
Mar. 21 – Apr. 19: 
If you were born under this sign you probably are. So much in life is over your head you’re probably bald as well. You tend to pick sports teams based on the color of their jerseys. You usually vote conservative. Two weeks after the polls have closed
Apr. 20 – May 20: 
You tend to give in way too easily. You’ll never win an argument. Most Southerners born under the Yield sign are of French heritage. Oddly enough, most traffic accidents caused by this astrological group are due to a failure to yield. The most you can count on in the future is pity.
May 21 – Jun. 20: 
There is no success in your future. You might not even make it through today. You will create, manage and lose several businesses in your lifetime. You vote for Nader, owned massive amounts of Enron stock and thought the XFL was here to stay. You’re usually extremely happy as you never see it coming.
Jun. 21 – Jul. 22: 
You are a free spirit (that’s what people will call you). In reality you have no concept of how things should be done. Your greatest claims to fame are sagging pants, clackers, mullets and the DeLorean. The American interstate highway system was developed by your predecessors. Enough said.
Jul. 23 – Aug. 22: 
You are more than likely single and will stay that way. Family and children are not in your future. Those born under this sign are librarians, hall monitors, teachers, ministers, managers, telegraph operators and you. Nothing can hold you down. There’s no need.
Aug. 23 – Sept. 22: 
You are bright eyed and bushy tailed. Gentle yet wild. You live life to the fullest but will experience seasonal periods of extreme danger. Many of you end up in the grill of a 1979 Ford F150 pickup.
Sept. 23 – Oct. 22: 
You are shifty, always looking for a way around. Changing horses in the middle of the stream has no meaning to you. You’ve been engaged for years but have yet to schedule a wedding date. Where you started will not be where you end up. You support the South but can see the North’s point of view.
Oct. 23 – Nov. 21: 
You are a staunch Southerner. If you could close the Tennessee State borders you would. You’ve been known to discharge a firearm at door-to-door salesman. You’re destined to lose thousands of dollars playing the lottery due to the fact you won’t live up to your sign. Most Do Not Enters were, and still are, segregationists. A few are Methodist.
Nov. 22 – Dec. 21: 
You are stubborn. Unbending. Usually a politician and usually wrong but aren’t likely to admit it. You encourage other points of view. You never accept them. You’ll live a long, happy life though others may suffer as a result. You consider the Civil War a prelude and are convinced the South will rise again. You’re not well liked.
Dec. 22 – Jan. 19: 
You are always learning, growing and adapting. You will help bring the South into the 20th Century. Yes, we’re aware it’s the 21st Century but one step at a time. You will be known as a progressive and be despised by your neighbors. They’re probably just a bunch of hillbillies anyway. Don’t worry about it.
Jan. 20 – Feb. 18: 
You’re a Southern gentleman. Older and set in your ways. You appreciate a good mint julep and resemble Colonel Sanders. Cotton is not coming back and neither are steamboats. Southern hospitality will not be dead until you are.
Feb. 19 – Mar 20: 
You are an exceptional sportsman. No fishing or hunting signs are meant for everyone else. There will be no fences in your life you can’t climb. Especially if there’s a small mouth bass on the other side. You enjoy NASCAR, Tonya Tucker and Hee Haw reruns. If you survived discovering the Duke boys were just actors you can handle anything.
Nailed me perfectly, coincidental or otherwise.
I’m gonna channel Redd Foxx on this one.
“What’s mah sign? The DOLLAH sign!”
The Duke boys are just actors? Who says???
I take offense! I am bald but only because I grew so fast that I grew right up through my hair!
Besides, anyone who teases me about my bald head is only jealous because he knows that my body produces a lot more testosterone than his does!
I Like it...
Jan. 20 – Feb. 18:
You’re a Southern gentleman.
Older and set in your ways.
You appreciate a good mint julep
and resemble Colonel Sanders.
Cotton is not coming back
and neither are steamboats.
Southern hospitality will not be dead until you are.
Southerners are best at making fun of their ownself! The rest of the country could take a lesson from us. My sign is dead end, but rest assured I never voted for Nader!
They are ALL nonsense.
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