Posted on 03/03/2018 4:48:19 AM PST by newnhdad
I was that type of kid, to some extent, growing up. My 16 year old son is a joy.
If I compare and contrast:
My parents were way over controlling. I try to pick battles and let him make choices with as little guidance as possible.
I was not allowed to do sports or organized outside activities growing up. My son does three varsity sports plus club hockey and Is an Eagle Scout.
I seldom went outside or enjoyed reflective time. He does Scouts.
I was discouraged from bonding experiences with friends; he is encouraged to go to and host sleepovers and camping trips.
I was a TV watching couch potato. He seldom has the opportunity to watch or play games.
Etc.
You may have a child that has developmental difficulties, chemical imbalance, etc. I would see a doctor very soon.
But you may want to look internally as well. Get him in Scouts and sports. Keep him busy outside the home. Wear him out physically. Treat him with respect at all times.
There are a couple books that I’ve lived by:
How to raise the best toddler on the block
How to raise the happiest teenager on the block
They have been very helpful. A Godsend actually. Get them both because they are life lessons.
They do Parentectomy's so well!
Do you have a trusted pastor?...church?
What kind of advice are you receiving?
If this is a fairly recent developing condition, it may be the brain’s response to one of the many strep viruses. A friend’s son had a very sudden mental-state change that mystified them and all doctors. Previously, the young boy was very well behaved, and quite intelligent. He began to lash out at sibling and school mates, and even at parents and teachers. He would threaten to kill them, and would rage uncontroably. The standard response from doctors was drugs normally prescribed to over-active kids. My friend was not settling for doping her son up. She read and learned about the myths of the brain/blood barrier, and recent discoveries of strep viruses, and how they can stay resident in the child’s brain, causing what normally would have been diagnosed as psychiatric condition. She strongly urged he doctor to do blood panels and tests, specifically screening for strep viruses, but not isolated to that alone. The doctor complied, and they discovered two things. The strep virus was still present from a previous flu. The boy was also found to have PANDA/PANS, which somehow predisposed him to reacting to strep viruses in a behavioral way. I will prompt my friend, and find out more.
I am not, however, suggesting that our experience applies to ever situation. Psychological/psychiatric health is complex. For example, there is depression that is obviously situational - “I’m extremely sad because my spouse died.” - and there is depression that hits independently of any life event.
I think one of the unsaid, not voiced concerns that 12-13 year olds go through - and it can get very foreboding, is it is that they cannot envision any future - where would he/she, what would they be doing, would they be with someone; nothing can be seen, felt, or imagined and it is scary, and makes it all seem hopeless.
The facts are that no one at 12-13 can see where they fit into some future - we are still a work in progress, and we have not had the opportunities we need to become really engaged in the world. The brooding is an obsession that we have to figure it all out, or at least see it, and most 12-13 year olds will dismiss it, the brooding, sensing (correctly) they’ll have to wait some years to see it. The child trapped in that concern can’t let it go.
ENGAGEMENT, ENGAGEMENT, ENGAGEMENT
Too much time with not enough that they need to give external focus too; too little time engaged - face-to-face time - with others in either family leisure, work, church, church-youth-group, scouting, volunteer work, ect., ect..
They need to get “outside” of their head.
It begins as a simple brooding. If not arrested it becomes more than a simple brooding; which it seems to have become in your kid’s case.
If it’s at all possible, for more than a week or two, if you and the kid could get away together. Or, if any church, church related, professional could get the kid to join their youth group; anything that requires personal engagement.
I am no expert, and every case as its own basis, so I could easily be off base in your case.
Our prayers to you and your family.
I agree....get a blood test.....see if anything shows up....it could be physical, neurological rather than mental
Hospitalization will give the professionals the best opportunity to try different meds and monitor the results- so why not!
If your child is stable enough I suggest you get a complete thorough neuropsych eval - kind of like mapping the brain to find out where are the problems
Mental illness is tough. The invisible disability. But im sure they can get his brain chemistry stabilized once they find the right meds- then work on a diagnosis which can involve multiple things
This is going to sound funny but, what is he angry about?
All of these things often point to a deep seated rage over something. It might be something that is totally illogical to you but in his mind it is a big thing. Something he can not get past.
Or I may be totally off base.
Best advice for teens...
Find a healthy values peer group that he can join, be validated and find a group identity as a stepping stone to a healthy self identity.
Teenage consciousness is tumultuous as they are being forced by their environment to let go of parental dependency(thus causing the depression) and are transitioning to find a healthy sense of self.
Healthy peer groups are an excellent stepping stone between dependency identity and self identity. Healthy validation reinforces the transition.
I am so sorry for what your family is going through. I have walked that road. Emotional disorders are really tough on everybody involved. I agree with all the comments regarding limiting social media, tv and gaming. Get the best psychiatric help you can find. Make sure you know what your child is posting and share anything alarming with your child’s therapist. Watch out for your child cutting. I understand that current trend is for kids to do that on their legs where it can be hidden. Depending on diagnosis the treatment may depend on talk therapy from a clinical psychologist and pharmacutical. I agree with comment about ssri may be helpful but do your research on that. Lots of data coming out about how dangerous they can be for young people.
Probably one of the most important thing you and your spouse can do is get support team in place for you. That may need to be a therapist to help you to process what your family is going through. Give yourself a lot of love and do not blame yourself. Be very kind to yourself and to your spouse. Learn mindfulness.
I am praying for your family.
Sounds weird but analyze his diet. One of the biggest problems with Americans is they eat way too many carbs.
First and formost is get a professional involved. You’re not going to get good advice gleening through fr replies.
My friend eventually consulted with a doctor in New Jersey that is developing a specialization in PANDAS/PANS. He prescribed a specific antibiotic, for a much longer duration. The behavior improved, the boy’s obsessions and ticks reduced,and eventually went away. The boy is now very self-aware, and can sense when he is is declining. Ticks will begin to return... what can it hurt to have blood testing done?
I assume you're referring to that girl from Connecticut a few years ago.All I recall from that story was that two outstanding hospitals,Tufts Medical Center and Children's Hospital,disagreed regarding the diagnosis for this girl and regarding the best course of treatment.
I worked in the Longwood Medical Area (IMO "The Harvard Medical Area" would be a better name for it) for decades.While working there I came to see that Harvard,Boston University and Tufts were three of the finest medical schools in the world.I also came to understand that skilled,experienced physicians and surgeons can...and sometimes *do*...disagree regarding a particular patient.I could say more...but I've gotta go.
PANDA syndrome was my first thought as well. Have a thorough workup by a rheumatologist, as autoimmune problems can contribute to psychological issues.
Another thought could be an extreme reaction to hormonal imbalance of some sort, such as thyroid issues.
When our son was having a breakdown, we opted for neurotherapy. It’s a feedback type of therapy, and for us, it worked! No drugs.
Please check it out, We saw great results after the very first session.
https://neuroptimal.com/find-a-trainer/
This will be difficult, but not as hard as not doing it: Get him off sugar and processed foods. Ditto with digital: it changes the brain in ways we’re still discovering, and neurological connections that were assumed to be normal with age are not. To form the connections, kids need physical experience. So ditto on getting him OUTSIDE!!!! Interacting with animals, plants, wood (building), doing things that give him the experience of having done something that lasts. It sounds like he doesn’t know he can actually control much in his environment. Show him. Some people are extra sensitive to dyes used in foods and the chemicals added to preserve them. Cook real food. Medications can hep, but they don’t diagnose or FIX whatever the underlying problem is.
Also, look at the super brain yoga (Google it - it’s amazingly effective) and at cross body movements. They help calm the brain. The principle is to enlist the body’s natural mechanisms, to give them what they need to bring him back to himself. The closer you can get to natural, the better. Prayers, healing thoughts, and blessings!
This is rambling, but PLEASE consider
“Seek professional help.”
“Get professional Medical help immediately.”
They’ve done that.
The depression fades away as a child develops goals for their future and moves toward them.
I do workshops on this topic.
A child who develops goals for themselves develops an individual identity and moral values around the future identity that stays with them when they leave your nest.
In addition, teenage transition is like a ballerina doing perrouetts across a stage without a focal point. They get dizzy and fall over. Future goals in life are the teens focal point that keeps depression away.
Drugs do save lives, but they also block growth through a normal transition stage of development.
PS The goals must be theirs, not yours.
PSS It’s healthy to change their future goals and future identity many times.
PSSS The younger they are, the future goals need to be near in time proximity and attainable in order to create validation and a healthy self confidence.
“Get qualified psychiatric help, preferably from your church.”
That’s the last place I’d go for help. Most preachers I know are nuttier than fruitcakes. (And I know MANY.)
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