(vanity) Vet and family

Hello fellow Freepers, I apologise for the vanity, but I'm near my wits end. My son, a two tour Iraqi combat veteran, diagnosed with PTSD, Traumatic Brain Injury, Hyper Anxiety. Family relations are strained to the max, as anything he's confronted with turns into shouting matches, and a lot of hurt feelings. He refuses to take his prescribed medications, and instead, would rather lose himself in alcohol or pot. A regular job for him is impossible to hold. His short and long term memory is nonexistent. I have a daughter that lives less than a mile from me, along with three of my grandchildren. My son doesn't allow them to visit for fears of being ripped off of his army gear (which he is very protective of). He'll give something of his to a friend only to forget who he gave it to, and then blame it on them, accusing them of stealing it. My wife is distraught, as the only way she gets to see her grandchildren is to drive over to my daughters house. Normal family get to gathers don't happen. I've resigned myself to the fact that I can't possibly fix this on my own, and neither can he, unless he can recognise his problems. There has got to be others out there that truly know the pain (as a father), that I'm experiencing. It's tearing us apart.

I recently visited my sole remaining Aunt for the last time. Unfortunately she was gone (she didn’t recognize my mother or myself).

TBI - for those who are incapable of understanding, in particular those who have not experienced it personally - is an order of magnitude worse than Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s or dementia in general:

With TBI, you remember who you once were. I’ve been there. In fact, I believe that stories some of you have read in the paper about elders walking away from a hospice or care facility at night in the dead of winter was a genuine case of a person so-afflicted who had a “moment of clarity” and remembered who they were, just long enough to make a conscious decision.

In the case of TBI, the lack of self-worth is incredibly-defeating. For 5 years I compromised and suffered in my own right until one day it was like someone flipped a switch and it was gone. In my case it followed a dramatic lifestyle change and, as stated in the prior comment, I believe that brain injury and traumatic mental stress in general (PTSD) is exacerbated by systemic inflammation.

Hence, in some cases I believe it to be reversible or, at a minimum, a condition which presents much better for the patient and those around them. To be clear, there are competing issues here: Permanent physical brain trauma and PTSD (psychological issues brought about by physical conditions in the brain).

I did not have the tendency for violent outbursts described by the OP of his son, so I “compromised” in different ways. My principal manner of compromising was “projects”. At that time I was incapable of writing, as I’m doing prodigiously today. I also joined Toastmasters and am speaking publicly as well. However, I still have trouble with simple math, but my creativity has returned with a vengeance. Most frustrating: My ability to remember people’s’ names is just as bad as it always has been: No worse, no better. Damn it all. /s

Regardless how it’s labeled, it’s all the same: Therapy & support. I know others - my stepson included - who have made the difficult decision to admit that medical science/doctors don’t know what causes it (PTSD) and cannot help and compromised in their own manner to regain some modicum of self-worth. My boy revels in his job and working out at the gym. Unfortunately he has an affinity for “juicing” and I view that as an addiction no worse than alcohol, sans some of the effects of the latter when inebriated.

In my own case, for lack of a better way of phrasing it, I am blessed with the good fortune of having made a number of changes in my life which permitted my body to begin healing. Ironically that included my brain.

Regardless, whether a person is compromising or, as in my own case, recovering, there is only one takeaway for those such as the OP’s son:

Hope. Not “wishes” (as in “wish” in one hand) but genuine hope.

I did not have any hope whatsoever while I was suffering for 5 years. My own experience gave some hope to my stepson.

I hope it helps others and hope to get my books published soon. The psychological aspect is corollary to the physical health and I am now compelled to write more than a mere chapter on the topic (it’s a 4th book).

Know this: I had TBI and all the symptoms. Doctors said I’d have it for the rest of my life. After 5 years of it, I cleaned up my diet and one day, the fog - aka the iron curtain - lifted (accidentally; I never expected it). Even my memory came back (mostly). Some weeks it’s like opening a new book, the old memories which present once again. I view PTSD and many forms of mild TBI as complications to other health issues.

I gave up on VA and TBI. When they started calling any exposure to an explosion as a possible TBI, I put in a request for an evaluation. Having been within less than 10ft of a rocket explosion in 68 that rang my bell and left me riddled with fragments I figured my memory problems might be contributable to undiagnosed TBI. I haven't remembered a dream nor can I remember any names and faces from my squad/platoon/company mates after spending months in the field with them. I even went to a 35yr reunion and did not recognize a face or a name even though they knew me. The VA told me if I wasn't diagnosed at that time that I had no TBI because of the lapsed time. So, some of the VA hoopla seems still to be to deflect away from the problem.

I have to respectfully disagree.

There are numerous examples of those with brain trauma being successfully helped with or the effects of years of stress and/or depression (another form of trauma), to state nothing of the complicating factors of drug (legal or otherwise) and alcohol abuse.

https://www.rewireme.com/brain-insight/5-myths-ptsd/

The relatively-new field of study is referred to as Neuroplasticity.

2 conflicting references and a 3rd supporting recovery:

https://www.sciencealert.com/hippocampus-inhibition-pathways-prefrontal-cortex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-relapses

http://healingtraumacenter.com/neuroplasticity-and-rewiring-the-brain/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/workings-well-being/201703/how-heal-the-traumatized-brain

For the OP, this is pertinent to starting the healing journey, but I concede that you have an uphill battle to get your son to admit some small steps can change how he feels:

https://www.jennifersweeton.com/tools/

My entire frontal lobe was turned to hamburger.

There was an empty hole as big as my fist until scar tissue? formed, years later.

Temporal/occipatial lobe damage, as well.

Total anosmia, to boot.

It was a miracle I did not die.

11 day coma “only”.

Mostly intact but I have memory issues galore, mild absence seizures and neurological deficits.

This was back in 1981, when all they really did was strap you down and hope you didn’t die.

Things are probably better now, medically, but the craptastic “doctor” I had was barely more than useless.

I had NO support from family and no therapy.

My mother was pissed that the money spent on my hospital stay meant she didn’t get her usual annual new car.

Seems y’all are more willing to make sure your boy doesn’t wind up like me.

Have hope.

In spite of everything no one bothered doing, I actually got smarter.

“Changed” into a person who wanted to learn about “crazy stuff” like quantum physics and learned Greek to read the NT.

Before, I just wanted to party and see bands.

Probably the ‘rewiring’ effect.

So, maybe the difference will be the support he’s getting.

Hope so, anyway.

Hello, I too have faced similar obstacles in family life.

Anger at the son is to be left at the side. You have a job to do as a parent and you owe it to your family at to try and help. Anger does no good.

You have to bring him forward and leave the pain he is holding on to behind. Show a path. Take the time. Don’t give up. And pray for him and you and your family. Let him know that he is the reason you try to help. He is your son.

You are the father, not to scold but to guide. You can do it. Teach him not to be a victim.

Get him off the prescription drugs. They will mess with the alcohol he will drink and his mind if he doesn’t.

Talk, but not just about him and what he is doing to himself. Be his “therapist”. Learn to guide the conversation toward enlightenment. Show him the beauty in the world. Doing this will make him want to change and seeing and imagining a better happiness that come with the future. We can all change.

You are right that it’s up to him, but your guidance is key. I say this only if he is not violent as I have assumed. If he is, there are similar but other steps and advice to add.

Prayers for you and your family. Stand and be strong.

Concerned about myself and, later, our boy, I read a lot on the topic of rewiring.

It’s not easy (understatement). But it was a lot easier than “coping” as I was doing prior, wondering if I’d get worse.

The first year was the worst: Doc said if symptoms persisted after 8 months, they’d likely be permanent. He was only wrong about the “permanent”.

I forced myself to do things which were incredibly difficult but the one thing which mattered to me was my creativity (it was gone).

In my own case, my own “therapy” helped, but it was eliminating the systemic inflammation which literally turned on the lights. No joke: I woke up one day and knew something was different, but it took a few days for it to sink in and about 300 hours of research to understand why (that’s me: I have to have an explanation).

“Therapy” continued and eventually I wrote the book(s). My creativity returned as well and now I don’t need to sell all my woodworking tools.

“Craptastic doctor”. I think I’ll have to borrow that :)

I’m glad you found your own way. I hope your story helps others.

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