Posted on 08/28/2020 6:02:23 AM PDT by Colonial35
During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level. So I described a typical day this way: “Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake.” Inspired by my story, the doctor said, “You must be some outdoorsman!” “No,” I replied, “I’m just a $hitty golfer.”
Four guys are driving across country together: one from
Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida, and one from New York.
A short way down the road, the man from Idaho starts to pull
potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.
The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, “What the heck are
you doing?”
The man from Idaho says, “We have so many of these things in
Idaho they’re lying around on the ground. I’m sick of
looking at them!”
A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins
pulling ears of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.
The man from Florida asks, “What are you doing that for?”
The Nebraskan replies, “We have so many of these things in
Nebraska, I’m sick of looking at them!”
Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car
door and pushes the New Yorker out.
Saw a middle-eastern friend shaking a carpet
on 6th floor balcony.
I called out “whats up Ahmed,
won’t it start?”
1. Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
2. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
3. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
4. My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad,
finally I had to take his bike away.
5. I’m so good at sleeping.
I can do it with my eyes closed.
6. My boss told me to have a good day..
so I went home.
7. Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
8. A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia.
The librarian says “They’re right behind you!”
9. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally
passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
10.Why do blind people hate skydiving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
11.When you look really closely,
all mirrors look like eyeballs.
12.My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange”
I said: “No it doesn’t”
13.What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
14.What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
Aye matey.
15.My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
16.I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger.
Then it hit me.
17.Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well.
18.I ate a clock yesterday,
it was very time consuming.
19.Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope.
20.A blind man walks into a bar.
And a table. And a chair.
21.I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people
but none of them work.
22.What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
23.Did you hear about the italian chef that died?
He pasta way.
24.Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?
Because it was two tired!
25.Parallel lines have so much in common.
It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
26.My wife accused me of being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.
27.Where do you find a cow with no legs?
Right where you left it.
28.When a deaf person sees someone yawn
do they think it’s a scream?
29.As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
30.How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the physco path.
31.And the lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life”.
John came fifth and won a toaster.
32.What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don’t look! I’m about to change.
33.I just wrote a book on reverse psychology.
Do *not* read it!
34.What did one hat say to the other?
You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.
35.Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure?
Because he was a little shellfish.
IB10!..................
He was just doing routine maintenance - the equivalent of an oil change.
Good morning, Colonial! Thank you for starting my day with laughs.
Two Mexicans are riding a bicycle on a road about 15 miles outside of
Lafayette , LA. One of the bike’s tires goes flat and they start hitching
a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and
the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them they can ride in the trailer
if they could fit in with 20,000 bowling balls he is hauling.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver
shuts the doors and gets on his way.
Wanting to make up time the trucker speeds up. Sure enough a blonde cop
pulls him over for speeding.
The officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver
jokingly replies “Mexican eggs.”
The Blond Lady Cop obviously doesn’t believe this so she takes a look
in the trailer. She opens the back door and shocked, quickly shuts it
and locks it. She calls for immediate backup from headquarters,
the Border Patrol and the Swat Team.
The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers.
“I stopped a Tractor-Trailer with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it... two have
hatched and they’ve already stolen a bicycle.”
A senior citizens’ group charters a bus from Burlington, IA to Branson, MO.
As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says,
“I’ve just been molested!” The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.
So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down. A short time later,
another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested.
The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos,
but who would be molesting those old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she’d
been molested too.
The bus driver decides that he’d had enough, and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his
hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
“Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?” says the bus driver.
“I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times,
but every time I grab it, it runs away.
My golfer husband is still laughing at that!
LOL!
Man: “Doc, I got this problem with my ‘love life’ but am allergic to Viagra. What can I do?”
Doctor: “Walk ten miles every day. Call me in a week.”
ONE WEEK LATER:
Man: “Doc, I did like you said.”
Doctor: “Excellent, Is you ‘love life’ working?”
Man: “How the heck would I know? I’m seventy miles from home!”
What’s the password?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xect030DfSQ
They take the physco path........................PSYCHO......
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn’t familiar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese in the trap.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It’ll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...
23. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
34. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what
happened.
37. Just remember - if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.
38. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the
coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a
supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment
grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks,
“What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”
The woman replies, “Its Keith, the midget.”
Today’s word is.................fluctuations.
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was
trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, “Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?”
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations.”
The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people, too.”
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a mudslide.
The bartender looks at the man and says, “You ain’t from ‘round here are ya?’
“No,” replies the man, “I’m from Massachusetts.”
The bartender looks at him and says, “Well, what do ya do in Massachusetts?”
“I’m a taxidermist,” said the man.
The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks,
“What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?”
“The man says, “I mount animals.”
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar...
”It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!”
Two Jewish guys were stranded on a Pacific island and after a dozen years
they were finally rescued.
The rescuer noticed that there were three synagogues that had been
built on the island, so he said to the men:
“There are only two of you here, why do you need three temples?”
“Well, one he goes to, one I go to, and one we both don’t go to.”
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