Posted on 11/20/2020 8:57:46 AM PST by Colonial35
Attorney riding in his limo sees a family on the side of the road on their hands and knees. He tells his driver to pull over and see if there is a PI case there. The driver informs him that the family is so poor they are eating the grass. The attorney tells the family get in the limo, I will feed you!. I will take you to my home. Later the mother asks are you really going to feed us? And the attorney says hell yes, I fired the Gardner two weeks ago and the grass is out of control.
A man called his mother in Florida ,
Mom, how are you?
Not too good, said the mother. I’ve been very weak.
The son said, Why are you so weak?
She said, Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.
The son said, That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?
The mother answered, Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food
if you should call.
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, What part is it?
The boy says, I play the part of the Jewish husband.
The mother scowls and says, Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out,
she’ll kill me!
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love?
“Honey, I’m home!”
Someone stole all my credit cards but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends
less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night;
only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill so the
doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. Mrs. Cohen
answered, So did my arthritis!
Doctor: You’ll live to be 60! Patient: I am 60! Doctor: See! What did I tell you?
Patient: I have a ringing in my ears. Doctor: Don’t answer!
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, You’ve been brought here for drinking.
The drunk says Okay, let’s get started.
A doctor, an engineer, and a computer scientist were discussing who among them
belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said,
Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him
the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.
The engineer replied, But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from
chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering
is an older profession than medicine.
Then, the programmer spoke up. Yes, he said,
But where do you think all the chaos came from?
Nineteen Newfoundlanders go to the cinema. The ticket lady asks
Why so many of you? Buddy replies, The film said 18 or over.
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop
and they were $70. Forget it, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at an A.T.M. yesterday. A little old lady asked if I could check her balance,
so I pushed her over.
Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy.
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 a m. Can you believe that! 2:30 a m
Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
Guy goes into a taxidermy shop with two dead rabbits.
Do you want them mounted? the taxidermist asked. No just holding hands.
The wife was counting all the nickels and dimes out on the kitchen table when
she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, “She’s going through the change.”
My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
An East Indian fellow has moved in next door. He has traveled the world,
has swum with sharks, has wrestled bears and has climbed the highest mountain.
It came as no surprise for me to learn his name was Bindair Dundat
Little girl comes down a country path pulling a great big bull.
A farmer coming the other way says, What are you doing? I’m taking this bull
down to the cows so he can mate with them. Well, can’t your father do that?
No . . . it’s gotta’ be a bull.
Guy sitting at a bar tells his buddy that he got a job as a diesel fitter
in a pantyhose factory. What’s that? Well, I take the pantyhose off the machine,
hold them up, and say, Hey, Diesel Fitter.
I do taxes. A lady called me on April 20th and asked if I’d do her taxes.
When she got here I got her name, SS#, address and the rest of the mundane crap.
I asked what she did for a living. She said I’m a whore. I told her I couldn’t
put that on her return so she said I’m a prostitute. I told her the same thing
so she said I run an escort service. I explained you can’t say that as you
could be arrested. She sat for while and thought. Finally she said I’m an exotic
chicken farmer! I said How did you come up with that? She said I raised a
thousand little peckers last year! I said Chicken farmer it is.
Retired Person’s Perspective
1. I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people I’m just saying let’s
remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way
much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. If they are holding
a gun, she’s probably very unhappy.
4. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone
you’ve just met? That’s common sense leaving your body.
5. I don’t like making plans for the day. Because then the word “premeditated”
gets thrown around in the courtroom.
6. I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
7. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
(That is like the guy who named his dog “5 miles” and walked “5 miles” every day)
8. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers:
If you find one, what’s your plan?
9. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
10. Old age is not as bad as I thought. It’s a good feeling when you feel happy
just to wake up in the morning.
A Californian, a Texan, and a New Yorker, attending a convention in a little
town just outside Las Vegas, were standing in a seedy bar enjoying a few drinks.
The Californian grabbed his wine spritzer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he
threw the glass against the back wall, smashing it to pieces. He told the other
startled drinkers that the standard of living was so high in California that they
never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the New Yorker finished drinking his Manhattan, and threw his glass against
the back wall. He loudly proclaimed that in New York not only were they all are
rich from banking and imports, he too never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Texan drank his beer, drew a revolver, and shot the Californian and
the New Yorker. As he was returning the gun to his holster, he told the wide-eyed
bartender that in Texas they had so many New Yorkers and Californians that they never
had to drink with the same ones twice.
Never Squat With Your Spurs ON
Most will make you smile. A little wisdom is thrown in.
Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post,
was one of the greatest political country/cowboy sages this country has ever known.
Some of his sayings:
1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to
fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the
electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.
10. If you’re riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then
to make sure it’s still there.
11. Letting the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious,and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only
polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to
clean up the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly...
there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d
hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said,
I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend
to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.
He was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,
when the bird continued, May I ask what the turkey did?
A farmer was showing a city slicker his farm, and when they came to
the pig pen, the following exchange took place:
CITY SLICKER: Hey! That pig only has three legs! What happened to it?
Was it born that way?
FARMER: Well, no I’m glad you asked. That pig is s special-un.
He saved the life of me and my family. Our farm was on fire while we were
all sleeping, and that there pig got loose, came into the house and raised
such a ruckus, and wouldn’t stop, that we all woke.
We couldn’t find our way out, and that there pig led us through the smoke
and fire to safety. Yea, he is a special-un. So, we feel an obligation to treat
him right special.
CITY SLICKER: That’s amazing! What happened to his leg, did he injure it
in the fire?
FARMER: Oh, no. A pig that special, you just don’t eat all at once.
Two Alberta Farmers were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
One says to the other, Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?
The second one replies, Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!
The first one says, with wide eyes, Wow, they aren’t very expensive.
At this price, I’m buying one.
The second farmer smiles and pats him on the back. Good idea! Order one and if
she’s as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.
Three weeks later, the younger farmer asks his friend, Did you ever receive the
girl you ordered from the Sears catalog? The second farmer replies.
No, but it shouldn’t be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!
Subject: Short story
Hillary phoned the president’s office shortly after midnight.
I need to talk to the president, it’s an emergency!, exclaimed Hillary.
After some cajoling, the president’s assistant agreed to wake him up.
So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?, grumbled Trump.
A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take her place begged Hillary.
Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortician, replied President Trump.
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He seemed to be paralysed.
Three women, from England, Wales, and Ireland, were walking past and felt
sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said, have you ever had a hug? The man said, No.
So she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, Have you ever had a kiss?’ The man said, No.
So she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Irish woman came to him and said, have ya ever been fooked laddie?’
The man broke into a big smile, and said, No.
She said, Aye ya will be when the tide comes in!
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s
house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer, said his mother.
I don’t need to, the boy replied.
Of course, you do his mother insisted. We always say a prayer before eating
at our house.
That’s at our house. Johnny explained. But this is Grandma’s house and she
knows how to cook.
I saw a middle aged couple holding hands as they walked through the mall. I thought it was so sweet that they were still that way in love that I said so.
“Yeah,” said the man, “I always hold her hand. When I let go she shops.”
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