Posted on 06/04/2022 8:14:02 AM PDT by upchuck
1. ~~~~~~ Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems.
"Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor. "I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said.
Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street. "Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV."
"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"
2. ~~~~~~ One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”.
The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong, why are you so down today?” The man said “My wife and I got into a fight, and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month”.
The bartender said “So whats wrong with that?"
The man said “Well the month is up tonight”.
3. ~~~~~~ Pfizer announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, that will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink.'
The Pepsi marketing department has come up with a snazzy name for the new concoction: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: Research data shows there is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
4. ~~~~~~ A missionary in Africa was out taking a walk in the jungle. Suddenly, he heard a noise from the brush in front of him. It was a lion. He started to back up and heard a noise from behind. Sure enough, it was another lion. He looked to his left and then to his right. You guessed it, lions were on both sides. He was surrounded by lions. It looked grim; the missionary sat down where he was and started to read his Bible. Shortly after he started reading, the lions jumped the missionary and ate him.
Moral of the story: Never read between the lions.
5. ~~~~~~ Thoughts on men:
Macho doesn't prove mucho. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
A man's home may be his castle on the outside; inside, it is more often his nursery. ~Clare Booth Luce
You [men] are not our protectors.... If you were, who would there be to protect us from? ~Mary Edwards Walker
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. ~Frank McKinney "Kin" Hubbard
Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit. ~Maureen Murphy
On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars. ~Bruce Willis
Few women care what a man looks like, and a good thing too. ~Mignon McLaughlin
What's the matter with you guys? The sight of blonde hair knocks you three rungs down on the evolutionary ladder. ~From the television show Civil Wars
A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job. ~Ella Harris
A man always blames the woman who fools him. In the same way he blames the door he walks into in the dark. ~Henry Louis Mencken
There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance. ~Author Unknown
Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near. ~Helen Rowland
When it comes to hiding porn, every man is a CIA agent. ~S. Sachs
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. ~Mae West
There's nothing wrong with most men's egos that the kowtowing of a headwaiter can't cure. ~Mignon McLaughlin
Men are only as loyal as their options. ~Bill Maher
Plain women know more about men than beautiful ones do. ~Katharine Hepburn
I wonder why men get serious at all. They have this delicate, long thing hanging outside their bodies which goes up and down by its own will. If I were a man I would always be laughing at myself. ~Yoko Ono
God made man stronger but not necessarily more intelligent. He gave women intuition and femininity. And, used properly, that combination easily jumbles the brain of any man I've ever met. ~Farrah Fawcett
What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need, and a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. ~Author Unknown
If they can put a man on the moon why can't they put them all there? ~Chocolate Waters
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. ~Natalie Wood
If men had more up top we'd need less up front. ~Jaci Stephen
Don't accept rides from strange men - and remember that all men are as strange as hell. ~Robin Morgan
What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? ~Erma Bombeck
The average man is more interested in a woman who is interested in him than he is in a woman with beautiful legs. ~Marlene Dietrich
6. ~~~~~~ I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, "What's going on?"
"You tell me." replied my wife.
I said, "I don't know, you're sitting on the sofa with a stranger."
"A stranger, eh?" shouted my girlfriend, "I'm no stranger, we've been having sex for six months!"
I looked at my wife and said, "Is this true?"
👍
Thank you!
Whenever I need a good laugh I go to the “Best of Al Bundy”
Example: A large woman is in the shoe store. After being ignored she stands up, spreads her arms and shouts;
“Excuse me, but am I invisible?”
Al Bundy: “Possibly from Pluto.”
Pope Francis, Elton Musk, and Joe Biden are on an airplane when the engines fail. They find three parachutes.
Joe Biden grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane saying, “I am the leader of the free world, so I must be saved.”
Elton Musk grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane saying, “My cars will revolutionize the world, so I must be saved.”
Now the Pope and the pilot are the only ones left on the plane. The Pope says to the pilot, “My son, take the last parachute. I am old, and you have your whole life ahead of you.”
“Actually there are two parachutes left,” the pilot says. “Mr. Biden grabbed a seat cushion.”
BOOKMARK
No. 6
LOL.
Wish I would have thought of that.
5.56mm
I am reading a book on anti gravity. I can’t put it down.
“What’s the matter with you guys? The sight of blonde hair knocks you three rungs down on the evolutionary ladder.”
Ever wonder where that behaviour originated?
If you answered, The Holy Roman Empire, then you have probably read:
Manwatching: A Field Guide to Human Behavior by Desmond Morris. He has many examples of Rome’s effect even to the present day. Roman law stated that all prostitutes had to dye their hair blond to be easily recognized on the streets and controlled by the authorities. Prostitution was allowed but only in certain areas of the city. Blond = prostitute has been trained into man’s DNA and it only took 500 years.
Every Rottweiler I ever owned always herds anything moving, including people. Having been bred to herd by the Romans to feed the Roman legions, you need not even train them to do so. It has been passed down in the breed’s DNA.
:-)
The song most requested of accordionists?
Can you play Far, Far Away?
What's the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off before you jump up and down on a trampoline.
What is the range of an accordion?
Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!
What is the difference between an accordionist walking down the road with his accordion, and a goldfish swimming down the gutter with a banjo on his back?
The Goldfish has got a gig to go to.
What do a true music lover and an accordionist have in common?
Absolutely nothing.
Why do accordian players walk while they play?
It’s harder to hit a moving target.
She was a cutie back then! (MTM)
Silliest jokes - Us government officials, public schools, mass media.
Not necessarily in any order.
MRking. Yea
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