Redneck Guide t'Etiquette
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece fo' th' dinin' table sh'd nevah be ennythin' prepared by a taxidermist. Especially eff'n it's mo'e appetizin' than th' meal, ah reckon. Do not aller th' houn'dog t'eat at th' table--no matter how fine his manners are. Be cornsiderate of yer guests. Point out in advance whar th' injury-thrett upin' sprin's is located on th' sofa.
DINING OUT
When decantin' likker, make sho'nuff thet yo' tilt th' paper cup an' pour slowly so as not t'"bruise" th' fruit of th' vine. Eff'n six packin' direckly fum th' bottle, allus hold it witcher fingers covahin' th' label, ah reckon. Remember t'leave a junerous tip fo' fine service. Af'er all, their mobile home costs jest as much as yourn.
DATING (Outside th' Fambly)
Allus offer t'bait yer date's hook, especially on th' fust date. No matter how busted yer, nevah take yer date flowers thet were stolen fum a cemetery. (They might be fo' a friend o' relative of hers o' her fambly.) Be aggressive. Let her knows yer interested: "I've been wantin' t'go out wif yo' on account o' ah read thet stuff on th' men's bathroom wall two years ago." Establish wif her parents whut time she is specked back. Shet mah mouth! Some will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." Eff'n th' latter is th' answer, it's th' fella's responsibility t'git her t'skoo on time. Eff'n a gal's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, o' an on overpass, odds is fine thet th' date will ind in frestrashun. Even eff'n yo' kin't git a date, avoid kidnappin'. It's bad fo' yer repeetayshun.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
Cryin' babies sh'd be taken t'th' lobby an' picked up eemeejutly af'er th' movie has inded, cuss it all t' tarnation. Refrain fum talkin' t'chareeckers on th' screen, as enny fool kin plainly see. Tests haf proven they kin't hear yo'.
WEDDINGS
Livestock usually is a pore choice fo' a weddin' gif'. Is it okay t'brin' a date t'a weddin'? Yessuh, unless yer th' groom, dawgone it. When dancin', nevah remove unnergarments, no matter how hot it is. Kissin' th' bride fo' mo'e than 5 seconds may git yo' cut. A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effeckive but also a proven fly deterrent. Fo' th' groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure sueyt wif a cumberbund an' a clean bowlin' shirt kin create a natty appeareence. Though uncomfy, say "yes" t'socks an' shoes fo' this hyar special occashun.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim yer haidlights fo' approachin' vehicles, even eff'n th' gun is loaded an' th' deer is in sight. When approachin' a four-way stop, th' vehicle wif th' largess tires allus has th' right of way. Nevah tow t'other car usin' pantyhose an' duck tape. When sendin' yer wife down th' road wif a gas kin, it is impolite t'ax her t'brin' back beer. Nevah relieve yo'seff fum a movin' vehicle, especially when drivin'. Do not remove th' seats fum th' car so thet all yer kids kin fit in, as enny fool kin plainly see. Do not lay rubber while travelin' in a funeral processhun.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Nevah take a beer t'a job interview o' ax eff'n they press charges. Allus identify varmints in yer yard befo'e shootin' at them, dawgone it. Allus say "Excuse me" af'er gittin' sick in someone else's car. It's cornsidered tacky t'take a right fineer t'church. Even eff'n yer sartin thet yer included in th' will, it's cornsidered tacky t'drive a U-Haul t'th' funeral home. Th' socially refined nevah fish coins outta public toilets, especially eff'n other varmints is aroun'. Eff'n yo' hafta vacuum th' bed, it's time t'change th' sheets. Allus provide an alibi t'th' po-lice fo' fambly members.
HYGIENE
While ears need t'be cleaned regularly, this hyar is a job thet sh'd be done in private usin' one's OWN truck keys. Unlike clo'es an' shoes, a toothbrush sh'd nevah be a han'-me-down item, dawgone it.
Even if its momma was a blue ribbon winner at the fair?
Shoot. Come on Pork Chop, let's get you back in your pen. I'm a goin on down to the walmart and see if I can find something else for the wedding. Probably should return that case of bbq sauce too.
a.cricket