Dumb, dumber, dumbest: The top 10 crooks of 2003

Ken Rodriguez: In a salute to San Antonio's Eddy Lee Dacy, I present the first Year In Review of Clueless Criminals — tales of bungling burglars, bonehead bank robbers and assorted clumsy crooks. Haven't heard of Dacy?

While on probation for possession of marijuana and methamphetamines, Dacy split town without permission from his probation officer.

Dacy, 46, apparently thought no one would find him and his teenage girlfriend in New York City.

He gets the local Dumb Crook Award for 2002. Here is my national Top 10 for 2003:

No. 10: On Nov. 29, a Long Island man stole $2,000 worth of digital camera equipment from a Wal-Mart.

Before he took the merchandise, the man posed for a picture on a store demonstration camera — chained to the counter and held by a female accomplice.

No. 9: In October, a man wearing baggy pants with a T-shirt over his face held up a restaurant in Hendersonville, N.C.

The robber jumped over the counter to reach the cash register, landed on his elbows, lost hold of the gun and fled. He tripped onto a wooden picket fence and got stuck upside down. Police found him with his pants around his ankles.

No. 8: On Nov. 19, at 2:30 a.m., a 24-year-old man was changing a flat tire on Interstate 35 in North Texas when police pulled over to help.

The man, who had been convicted on multiple counts of drug possession, panicked. He tried to swallow a bag of marijuana and choked to death.

No. 7: In August, an Akron, Ohio, man stole a small safe from a watering hole called the Nut House.

The man hailed a cab, took the safe home, and explained to the driver that he had no money for the $12 fare, which is why he stole the safe.

Robbed, the cabbie called police. Officers found the suspect still trying to open the safe.

No. 6: In February, an inmate who escaped from Waco's McLennan County Jail in an orange jumpsuit broke into the theater department at Baylor to slip into something less conspicuous.

No. 5: Last week in Naples, Fla., two jewelry theft suspects running from police climbed into a car they thought was a getaway vehicle.

Only to discover the driver in the unmarked car was wearing a badge and a sheriff's jacket.

No. 4: On Jan. 1, a man in Palm Beach County, Fla., stole a gun from a friend and robbed a gas station of $200.

The robber left behind his wallet with four pieces of ID and three traffic tickets.

No. 3: In February, a burglar broke into a Mineral Wells store, emptied the cash register, used the toilet without flushing it, left a pistol on a bathroom counter and fell asleep.

In the morning, the store owner — the wife of the local district attorney — found the burglar snoring.

No. 2: In October, two men in Stuart, Fla., held up a gas station with a BB gun, getting beer and a hot dog.

After leaving personal ID and a gun on the counter, the men called back and asked if they could swing by to pick up their belongings.

No. 1: In September, a California man was sentenced to 33 years for robbing a bank.

Hours after the heist, he returned to the bank to deposit some of the loot into his own account.

The 2003 Darwin Award Winners

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

And now, the honorable mentions:

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company suspecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The security guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"

Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER! When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

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