Democratic Whizzinator - (side slappingly funny + totally true! Take this, you Dems!)

TOWNHALL.COM ^ | MAY 18, 2005 | JAY BRYANT

[CHARLITE]

Way back in the Slick Nineties, Bill Clinton famously plea-bargained an apology on the issue of drug use by admitting to having smoked marijuana without inhaling.

Recently, a Minnesota Viking running back named Onterrio Smith was found to be in possession of a device called the Whizzinator – which is an artificial penis which carries its own supply of urine and can be used to produce a drug free sample upon demand. Smith, who obviously studied at Slick Willie's knee when it comes to plea- bargaining, told investigators he was taking the stuff to his cousin. Use it himself to phony up a random NFL drug test? Moi?

Then again, there's the celebrated Macaulay Culkin, the former child actor, who testified in court that while he did indeed sleep with Michael Jackson out there in Neverland, neither he nor Jackson inhaled, exhaled or took their pants off.

Is that believable? It depends, I suppose, on what your definition of is is.

Let me put it this way: if sweet little Macaulay's testimony helps Jackson, then Jackson does indeed have a jury of his peers.

My peers, on the other hand, are chortling, "yeah, right."

"That's my story and I'm sticking to it," is the punch line from an old joke that has become a catch phrase for an absurd explanation for one's behavior – the kind for which the word "patently" was invented, as in "patently obviously lie."

This brings me to another obvious lie, one currently being retailed by Senators of the Democratic persuasion, their 527 Committee propagandists and various and sundry media toadies.

Simply stated it is this: because Alberto Gonzalez once said that Texas Supreme Court Justice Priscilla Owen was a "judicial activist," she should be disqualified from consideration for promotion to the appellate court.

At least one of the 527's – People for the American Way – is currently running commercials in which Gonzalez's statement is the one and only reason given to support the filibuster against Owen's nomination.

And talk show after boring talk show, Democratic spokespersons line up to recite how awful Owen is and quote Gonzalez. Now, in case you missed it, analysis has conclusively shown that Gonzalez said no such thing about Owen; the comments, taken from a judicial opinion he wrote when he and Owen were colleagues on the Texas Supreme Court, referred to another justice altogether, and not to Owen. So the charge that Gonzalez called Owen a "judicial activist" is wrong to begin with, as Gonzales himself has said.

But that's not the point I want to make here.

I want to say, first, that if the principal argument against Owen is that she is a judicial activist, how come the Democrats are against her? It's never stopped them before. Moreover, what a skimpy charge this is, to justify not just opposing a nominee, but refusing to allow a floor vote on her nomination – filibustering, in other words.

When Democrats went apoplectic against Clarence Thomas, they at least gave as their excuse that he had a history of sexual harassment. It was a phony baloney charge, to be sure, but at least it was a something that, if true, might have (especially in those pre Slick Willie days) caused a reasonable person to question the advisability of voting for the nominee. And way back in the good old days of the Great Society, when Republicans fought the elevation of Abe Fortas to Chief Justice, the charge was bribery and corruption – accusations that did indeed prove to be true.

Weighed against this standard, the charge of "judicial activism" – especially when it emanates from the left side of the Senate chamber – is so inconsequential as to be unworthy of mention.

If that's the worst thing they've got against Owen, they've got (to quote Archibald MacLeish) "nothing, nothing, nothing at all." When the opposition research guy came in with that as his biggie, it must have gone over like a lead balloon, and I can just hear Harry Reid shouting, "That's it? That's the best thing you've got?"

When you add the flimsiness of the (untrue) charge and the somber citation of Gonzalez' opinion, you wind up with a true Whizzinator of a story. To anyone who advances the Gonzalez argument, I offer this reply: are you willing, as a general proposition, to permit Alberto Gonzalez to be determine whether or not you will support a nominee for the bench?

I didn't think so. You don't give a rat's necktie what Alberto Gonzales thinks, for all your pious quoting of his words.

But that's your story, and you're sticking with it.

So you're stuck with it. Nuke, 'em, Bill.

Writer and veteran GOP media consultant Jay Bryant is a moderator for the Capitol Hill Workshop. His commentaries may also be heard on NPR's 'All Things Considered.'

[mainepatsfan]

Smith practiced with the Vikings today but for some reason he didn't want to talk to the media.

[TruthShallSetYouFree]

Smith practiced with the Vikings today but for some reason he didn't want to talk to the media.

Maybe he was "pissed off!"

[mainepatsfan]

If he thinks reporters are going to give him a hard time about this just wait until the regular season when his opponents start giving it to him.

[TruthShallSetYouFree]

"That's my story and I'm sticking to it," is the punch line from an old joke

The derivation of that phrase, as I heard it (correct me if I'm wrong) is as follows:

A major-league baseball player and his family were in Florida for spring training. The regular season was fast approaching and they had packed up most of their household goods, awaiting the trip north. The ballplayer stayed out all night, and staggered into the kitchen the next morning. His wife asked him where the hell he had been all night.

"Well, dear, I came home at about 11 pm and didn't want to wake you or the kids, so I slept in the hammock on the porch."

"Honey, we packed up the hammock two days ago."

(Brief pause) "Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it."

[CHARLITE]

""Honey, we packed up the hammock two days ago."

(Brief pause) "Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it."

Good one, Truth. Thanks for the clarification!

Char :)

[tet68]

a device called the Whizzinator – which is an artificial penis which carries its own supply of urine

I'm pretty sure Hillery! has one of these, I know I
've seen a pic of her standing in the men's room.

I wonder if hers comes with batteries.

[Keyga8tor]

Is he afraid of leaks?

[beyond the sea]

Maybe he was "pissed off!" ----

LOL! ........... better than being pissed on.

;-)

[eeriegeno]

Way back in the Slick Nineties, Bill Clinton famously plea-bargained an apology on the issue of drug use by admitting to having smoked marijuana without inhaling. Recently, a Minnesota Viking running back named Onterrio Smith was found to be in possession of a device called the Whizzinator – which is an artificial penis which carries its own supply of urine and can be used to produce a drug free sample upon demand. Smith, who obviously studied at Slick Willie's knee when it comes to plea- bargaining, told investigators he was taking the stuff to his cousin. Use it himself to phony up a random NFL drug test? Moi? Then again, there's the celebrated Macaulay Culkin, the former child actor, who testified in court that while he did indeed sleep with Michael Jackson out there in Neverland, neither he nor Jackson inhaled, exhaled or took their pants off. Is that believable? It depends, I suppose, on what your definition of is is.

I love it Jay. You have a unique and humorous way of defining reality.......

Now, only if the rest of America would see things your way, maybe we might move this country forward and out of the gutter?

[Sun]

There's a snappy country song with "That's my story and I'm sticking to it."

[Sun]

Even if none of these WAVERING senators is your own senator,
please call 'em, anyway.

The last I heard the six key GOP Senators are Collins (ME), DeWine (OH), Hagel (NE), Murkowski, Specter (PA), and Warner (VA). Frist can afford to lose only two, because McCain, Chafee, and Snowe have declined to end the judicial filibusters.

We can call toll-free at 877-762-8762 .


Fax or e-mail info can be found here (but phone calls are more effective):
http://www.conservativeusa.org/mega-cong.htm

Urge each to FULLY SUPPORT THE FILIBUSTERING
RULES CHANGE.

It might not hurt to tell them about this poll, either:

Should Senate Rules Be Changed?

Yes 57%
No 25%
RasmussenReports.com

Very simple, very straightforward. That's why Rasmussen has such a good track record. They are honest.


Senator John Warner is rather difficult to reach by phone, so here's the link to send him your message. Just click & fill out the form and give him your brief message:

http://warner.senate.gov/contact/contactme.cfm