Don't try this at home....all Clear Heart Redwood.....Posted on 11/13/2005 7:25:15 AM PST by nuconvert
A handyman's guide to decks and other manmade disasters
BY DAVE BARRY
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on May 28, 2000.)
Today's Do-It-Yourself Project Is: How To Build a Deck.
There's nothing like adding a deck to transform an ordinary home into a home attached to a mass of inexpertly nailed wood. And just imagine the family fun you'll have this summer with a deck!
''Come on, kids!'' you'll call to your children. ''Let's go out on the deck and have some fun!''
''Shut UP,'' they'll gaily reply, because they are engrossed in a Sony PlayStation video game that they've been playing for 11 consecutive weeks. ''OK then!'' you'll say, stepping out onto your new deck. ''You kids are just going to miss out on all the AAIIIEEE.'' This is the noise you make when you pick up a splinter the size of a harpoon.
Yes, a deck would certainly be a great addition to your home. But if you're like most people, you're reluctant to tackle such an ambitious project, for fear that you lack the ''know-how,'' or will sever an important limb.
Well, you can stop worrying. For one thing, they are making amazing progress in the field of prosthetics. For another thing, building a deck is NOT as hard as you think! I've watched TV personality Bob Vila do it many times, and he is a regular ''do-it-yourselfer'' just like you, except that he has knowledge, skill, an unlimited budget and a large staff of experts. So let's get started!
Step one is to select a site for your deck. You should do this in accordance with the principles of ''feng shui,'' an ancient Chinese philosophy whose name means, literally, ''new fad.'' Feng shui (pronounced ''wang chung'') teaches us that where we locate our household items affects our happiness by controlling the flow of ''ch'i,'' which is a life force that is always around us, everywhere, all the time, like Regis Philbin.
You may be skeptical, but feng shui is actually based on solid astrological principles that have been scientifically verified by Shirley MacLaine and other leading Californians. These people pay feng shui consultants serious money to come to their houses and tell them things like what direction their beds should be pointing. If you think I'm making this up, check out any feng shui publication, such as Feng Shui for Modern Living (''The World's Biggest Selling Feng Shui Magazine'') which is filled with useful tips, such as this one: 'Keep your toilet seat down ... to prevent ch'i being unnecessarily 'flushed away.' '' (You know how true this is if you've ever had to pay a plumber to fix a toilet clogged by a big glob of escaped ch'i.)
My point is that, unless you want all your ch'i flowing onto your neighbor's driveway, you need to locate your deck in exactly the right place. In my experience, the ideal location for a deck, considering all factors, is: indoors. Just lay some boards on your living-room floor and tell everybody it's a deck. This way, you can enjoy your deck without going outdoors and turning yourself into essentially a Dunkin' Donuts for mosquitoes.
If you insist on having a traditional outdoor deck, follow these steps:
1. Go outside and, wearing steel-tipped work boots, carefully pace off an area the size of a deck.
2. Mark the corners by driving stakes into the ground, using a No. 6 Whacking Hammer. If you hear screaming, you have lawn vampires, and you should call your Realtor immediately.
3. Drive to a giant mega-warehouse home-fixin's superstore that runs TV commercials wherein cheerful, knowledgeable employees help you find exactly what you need. Take beef jerky, as you will be wandering the aisles for days, because those commercials are a big pile of ch'i. You will need to purchase the following deck parts: beams, joists, posts, bevels, headers, footers, thrusters, barristers and 8,000 metric feet of galvanized mahogany.
4. Nail these items together in the shape of a deck, as shown on the Bob Vila show.
That's all there is to it! Time to invite ''the gang'' over to enjoy some outdoor fun on your deck!
IMPORTANT SAFETY TIP: Send smaller, more-expendable members of the gang out onto the deck before you try it.
NIGHTTIME SAFETY TIP: Everybody should wear garlic.
NEXT WEEK'S HOMEOWNER TOPIC: Faster Gardening through Dynamite.
I think he uses the same technique for moles, voles and other pesky subterranean garden critters.
Based on my personal experience, every time an unskilled amateur does something for the first time, it ends up looking (and functioning) like something that an unskilled amateur has done for the first time.
Don't try this at home....all Clear Heart Redwood.....Showing off your handywork to all us unskilled amateurs. That's cruel, Scott.
btw - nice work. ;~ )
Every guy should have a BIG deck !
That's what she said
That's how you get lawn vampires.
FReeepee, ROTFLMAO!
Did you come in under or over your quote?
I mean time wise
I did a subcontract in Short Hills. I was paid nicely but the contractor almost went under after the homeowners kept adding new projects. He almost went insane trying to coordinate and orchestrate all the subs coming and goings. He lost money on the deal.
"I have a good thing going"
BTW, nice job
I agree. Lowest overhead possible. No help (worker's comp problems). Fuel efficient vehicle. Close to home. Best recipe for success and as little headaches as possible. You won't get rich but you won't go poor.
I have a very good accountant- LOL. I just got back almost my entire state tax "contribution" from last year. I pay a pretty low amount in federal considering my income. When you work for yourself you can write everything off...I pay very little in taxes legally.Are you a contractor here in CA ?
Contractor yes. California no. I live in the south. I'd like to live in a southern state with no state income tax but I'm established here.
Good accountant is number one concern. Someone willing to find legal loopholes and use them to maximum. I have two: My wife and my CPA. Each one checks the other's work. Good help is hard to find. LOL.
De-program all channels except The Food Network from the TV she watches.
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