Posted on 11/13/2005 7:25:15 AM PST by nuconvert
A handyman's guide to decks and other manmade disasters
BY DAVE BARRY
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on May 28, 2000.)
Today's Do-It-Yourself Project Is: How To Build a Deck.
There's nothing like adding a deck to transform an ordinary home into a home attached to a mass of inexpertly nailed wood. And just imagine the family fun you'll have this summer with a deck!
''Come on, kids!'' you'll call to your children. ''Let's go out on the deck and have some fun!''
''Shut UP,'' they'll gaily reply, because they are engrossed in a Sony PlayStation video game that they've been playing for 11 consecutive weeks. ''OK then!'' you'll say, stepping out onto your new deck. ''You kids are just going to miss out on all the AAIIIEEE.'' This is the noise you make when you pick up a splinter the size of a harpoon.
Yes, a deck would certainly be a great addition to your home. But if you're like most people, you're reluctant to tackle such an ambitious project, for fear that you lack the ''know-how,'' or will sever an important limb.
Well, you can stop worrying. For one thing, they are making amazing progress in the field of prosthetics. For another thing, building a deck is NOT as hard as you think! I've watched TV personality Bob Vila do it many times, and he is a regular ''do-it-yourselfer'' just like you, except that he has knowledge, skill, an unlimited budget and a large staff of experts. So let's get started!
Step one is to select a site for your deck. You should do this in accordance with the principles of ''feng shui,'' an ancient Chinese philosophy whose name means, literally, ''new fad.'' Feng shui (pronounced ''wang chung'') teaches us that where we locate our household items affects our happiness by controlling the flow of ''ch'i,'' which is a life force that is always around us, everywhere, all the time, like Regis Philbin.
You may be skeptical, but feng shui is actually based on solid astrological principles that have been scientifically verified by Shirley MacLaine and other leading Californians. These people pay feng shui consultants serious money to come to their houses and tell them things like what direction their beds should be pointing. If you think I'm making this up, check out any feng shui publication, such as Feng Shui for Modern Living (''The World's Biggest Selling Feng Shui Magazine'') which is filled with useful tips, such as this one: 'Keep your toilet seat down ... to prevent ch'i being unnecessarily 'flushed away.' '' (You know how true this is if you've ever had to pay a plumber to fix a toilet clogged by a big glob of escaped ch'i.)
My point is that, unless you want all your ch'i flowing onto your neighbor's driveway, you need to locate your deck in exactly the right place. In my experience, the ideal location for a deck, considering all factors, is: indoors. Just lay some boards on your living-room floor and tell everybody it's a deck. This way, you can enjoy your deck without going outdoors and turning yourself into essentially a Dunkin' Donuts for mosquitoes.
If you insist on having a traditional outdoor deck, follow these steps:
1. Go outside and, wearing steel-tipped work boots, carefully pace off an area the size of a deck.
2. Mark the corners by driving stakes into the ground, using a No. 6 Whacking Hammer. If you hear screaming, you have lawn vampires, and you should call your Realtor immediately.
3. Drive to a giant mega-warehouse home-fixin's superstore that runs TV commercials wherein cheerful, knowledgeable employees help you find exactly what you need. Take beef jerky, as you will be wandering the aisles for days, because those commercials are a big pile of ch'i. You will need to purchase the following deck parts: beams, joists, posts, bevels, headers, footers, thrusters, barristers and 8,000 metric feet of galvanized mahogany.
4. Nail these items together in the shape of a deck, as shown on the Bob Vila show.
That's all there is to it! Time to invite ''the gang'' over to enjoy some outdoor fun on your deck!
IMPORTANT SAFETY TIP: Send smaller, more-expendable members of the gang out onto the deck before you try it.
NIGHTTIME SAFETY TIP: Everybody should wear garlic.
NEXT WEEK'S HOMEOWNER TOPIC: Faster Gardening through Dynamite.
Dave Barry is a national treasure.
Yep. My wife and I cringe, too, at some of the things they do--one painted a piano the other day...arrrgh!
I have a friend that thought he was complementing me by calling me a female "VILA" I informed him that Bob can't do anything and that's why he has flunkies like Norm and the other guys who are the real thing.
LOL! Brings to mind P.J. O'Rourke's description:
"He made the kind of noise that people who own more than one cat make, when the kind of people who own more than one gun, light cigarettes indoors."
Chee!
Similar to Fishing with Hand Grenades.
Either those pictures are really, really bad, or your gazebo could have used the services of a plumb bob. It looks like it is about to fall over to the right.
That's what I thought. Your woodwork is way too classy for it to have been built that far out of plumb. I caught myself looking at the pics and leaning my head over to the right...
Oh sweet mother of pearl!
I must admit that when I see them painting over fine old wood I cringe.
Talk to the architect......just following the plans.
Just joking Scott. It's nice work. Relax, kick back have a bud.
I know you are joking...its only noon here...maybe a glass of wine later. ; )
A friend's wife once bought a table and chairs set painted god-awful-green at a yard sale for some pittance. The plan was to strip the paint off and repaint them with a more agreeable color (brown, IIRC). After stripping, the table and chairs turned out to be made out of absolutely gorgeous oak, in excellent condition.
After sanding, the wood got oiled, not painted. Turned out to be a truly beautiful dining room set. I'd like to strangle whoever painted it in the first place.
I'll tell you how you can get even with her.
Start taking an interest in all those cooking shows and then tell your wife that it would be really neat if we could start having some of these "easy-to-make" dishes at home.
"Based on my personal experience, every time an unskilled amateur does something for the first time, it ends up looking (and functioning) like something that an unskilled amateur has done for the first time."
I used to be an unskilled amature, but I've screwed up so many projects over the past 30-some years that I'm now an unskilled professional! ;)
On the other hand, the ABS computer I put in my wife's car last weekend is still working, and we've even driven it!
It involves dynamite?
No lawyers, prosecutors will be violated.
or B S
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