[FARS]

Alan Peters has posted a serious Defense & Foreign Affairs analysis about Iran starting a Civil War in Lebanon (not just Iraq).

Just prior to that he has a hillarious story, which I have linked here and printed out in this reply post. If you go to the link I put below and scroll to the next story you get the serious one.


With all that's going on, a good laugh is so welcome.

http://noiri.blogspot.com/2006/11/laugh-till-you-cry.html

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.

The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety ... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against flesh or a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant, a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference -- pretty cute, really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries -- thinking to myself, "No possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it, master." Reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad, I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION )*(&#(*)&)(#%)jld*(&#*#***!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again! Do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-B---H... That hurt like he-l!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

How did they up get there?

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

[ARealMothersSonForever]

If you need a REALLY good laugh, check this. I am having a hard time typing.

[RaceBannon]

Those funky Marines!

[SunkenCiv]

That's funny! Last season (I think) SNL did a bit about household tasers that involved a succession of people shocking one another with progressively more powerful models from the same company.

[struwwelpeter]

Now THAT was funny ;-)

[George W. Bush]

What an amazing story. A story of amazing stupidity.

I guess some people didn't pay attention in science class.

[Rushmore Rocks]

Thanks, I think we all need a bit of humor right now. (too much time on the Kristinn thread)

That was funny!

[mountn man]

Thanks for the ping. I laughed my testicles off.

[IncPen]

See #3,777

[Irish Eyes]

That was great! I am still laughing.

[nw_arizona_granny]

Clearly, the decision to undertake the highly-symbolic assassinations was made at the highest levels in Tehran and Damascus, but with the intention of causing a violent reaction from the Phalangists and other anti-Syrian elements in Lebanon, without the principal Shi’a ally of Iran, HizbAllah, being seen as having initiated the new civil war.

posted by Alan Peters at 3:09 PM<<<

Fars, thank you for alerting us to the Lebanon post, it is about what I have been reading, here and there and the general opinion on what is coming.

Still it is shocking to see it all in one report.

Thanks for the laugh, they are always welcome.

Years ago when the tasers were new items on the market, it came out in our miners meeting, that they could be used to isolate rattlesnake venom if one was bitten and did not have a doctor nearby.

Simply apply around the bite.

The Mexican miners would use a method that was close, before the taser, by taking the wires off the coil on a Model A, Ford and using the shock that came through the wires, by applying it in a circle around the bite.

I remember the Model A's, but am not sure that i can tell you how they worked to get the shock, something about a Magneto and Coil.

I know that I grew up being warned to not touch this or that on a car's engine area, or I would get shocked.

Do keep us alerted to Alan's new posts, please.

[Alamo-Girl]

Thanks for the chuckle!

[EBH]

Please remove me from you ping list!

Thank you.