Posted on 12/31/2006 11:49:34 AM PST by nuconvert
The year in review: From Pelosi to Pitt, perverts to Paris, Dave Barry offers a last laugh
BY DAVE BARRY
It was a momentous year, a year of events that will echo in the annals of history the way a dropped plate of calamari echoes in an Italian restaurant with a tile floor. Decades from now, our grandchildren will come to us and say, ''Tell us, Grandpa or Grandma as the case may be, what it was like to be alive in the year that Angelina Jolie, Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Britney Spears and Katie whatshername all had babies, although not necessarily in those combinations.'' And we will smile wisely and emit a streamer of drool, because we will be very old and unable to hear them.
And that will be a good thing, because there are many things about 2006 that we will not want to remember. This was the year in which the members of the United States Congress, who do not bother to read the actual bills they pass, spent weeks poring over instant messages sent by a pervert. This was the year in which the vice president of the United States shot a lawyer, which turned out to be totally legal in Texas. This was the year in which there came to be essentially no difference between the treatment of maximum-security-prison inmates and the treatment of commercial-airline passengers.
This was the year in which -- as clearly foretold in the Bible as a sign of the Apocalypse -- Howie Mandel got a hit TV show.
Also there were many pesky problems left over from 2005 that refused to go away in 2006, including Iraq, immigration, high gas prices, terrorism, global warming, avian flu, Iran, North Korea and Paris Hilton. Future generations are going to look back at this era and ask us how we could have allowed Paris Hilton to happen, and we are not going to have a good answer.
Did anything good happen in 2006? Let me think. No. But before we move on to 2007, let's take a moment to reflect back on the historic events, real and imaginary, of this historic year, starting with . . .
JANUARY
. . . a month that dawns with petty partisan bickering in Washington, D.C., a place where many people view petty partisan bickering as honest, productive work, like making furniture. The immediate cause of the bickering is the Republican ethics scandal involving lobbyist Jack Abramoff and House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, both of whom you can tell, just by looking at them, are guilty of something. The Democrats charge that the Republicans have created a Culture of Corruption and should be thrown out of office so the Democrats can return to power and run the scandal-free style of government for which they are so famous. The Republicans respond that the Democrats are soft on terrorism soft on terrorism soft on terrorism softonterrorism. Both sides issue press releases far into the night.
The other big focus of the bickering is the nomination of Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court. As always, the Senate Judiciary Committee hearings provide high-quality TV entertainment as the nation tunes in to see if Sen. Edward M. Kennedy will be able to successfully remember the nominee's name. The bulk of the hearings are spent in the traditional manner, with Democrats trying to trick the nominee into revealing his views on abortion, and Republicans reminding the nominee that he does not have to reveal his views on abortion. The subsequent exchange of press releases is so intense that several government photocopiers burst into flames.
In the War on Terror, Osama bin Laden, who may or may not be dead, nevertheless releases another audio tape, for the first time making it downloadable from iTunes. Bin Laden also starts a blog, in which he calls upon his followers to destroy the corrupt infidels and also try to find out how a person, hypothetically, can get Chinese food delivered to a cave.
In the Middle East, Palestinian voters elect the militant Hamas party, which assumes control of government functions such as street repair, which Hamas decides to handle by firing rockets at potholes. Canada also holds elections, which are won by some Canadian, we assume.
In economic news, the big story is the retirement of Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan, who, after 19 years as the person most responsible for guiding the American economy, steps down, taking with him the thanks of a grateful nation and a suitcase containing $11 billion. But the financial news is not so good in . . .
FEBRUARY
(excerpted.....for the rest of the year see orig. link above)
Happy New Year! pong
YOU got to admit , it has been a wild year. Full 0f ups and downs, good and bad. But we are all still here loyal as ever ready for the New Year and the new battle. Do the libs really think they can keep what they got? Now it is their turn in the hot seat and the seat is going to get hotter ever minute the clock ticks. Don't worry they will screw up they always do. Happy New Year and to the libs good luck in the New Year , you will need it because we will be watching. With us around who needs the commie press anyway!
Dave Barry is turning into Art Buchwald, a writer you read while longing for him to be edgy-funny, finally reconciling yourself to slap-stick. Barry's quasihumor gets me wondering why Scott Adams started pulling his punches in Dilbert. Happily, we'll always have Mark Steyn, cross your fingers.
FMCDH(BITS)
FMCDH(BITS)
Not quite his best, but some good stuff. I liked the last paragraph before the burp.
Barry Barry good!
Happy 2007!
Thanks for a great post - I read it all;)
That's about right.
Crappy New Year!
I still think you and Sully are evil twins.
When you toast in the new year, you don't have to do it once for each time zone.
Yes I do!
Did anything good happen in 2006? Let me think.....My stocks were up 20%. WoooHooo.
One thing I like about Dave Barry is that he seems to be politically even-handed in his satire. He's probably a lib like most people in the business, but at least tries to take swipes at both sides.
Happy New Year! We read this aloud last night at our NYE party and just cracked up. Maybe some of the earlier posters should have had a good meal with good friends and a couple of glasses of cheap wine before reading this. What a way to enter the new year- with humor to LOL!
Good one. LOL
That one's too true for comfort.
JUNE
. . . the big sports story is the start of the World Cup tournament, with U.S. fans hopeful that our players have finally caught up with the rest of the world in soccer. The American team arrives in Italy brimming with confidence, only to be informed that the tournament is being held in Germany. Undaunted, the team boards a train for Geneva, with the coach promising that ``we will score many touchdowns.''
That sounds about right...and they couldn't even score. Aren't we all proud?
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