CaloCredits - Expiation of Guilt (at a price)

mjo525 | 2/2/07 | mjo525

[marko525]

CaloCredits© Explained

Have your recently discovered that you eat more than twenty times as much as the average American? Are you feeling guilty that, due to your gluttony, you are consuming an unfair share of the planet’s food supply?

Now, due to an innovative new product called CALORIE OFFSET CREDITS (CaloCredits©) you can absolve yourself of guilt - and here is the exciting part - with no need to change your life style one iota by becoming calorie neutral!

How does this amazing program work you ask? When you purchase CaloCredits© from us we take your hard earned money and invest it in a global portfolio of calorie reduction programs.

Some of our most productive programs include:

1. The Third World Calorie Consumption Reduction Program (TWCCRP) – This innovative program pays poor people in third world countries to reduce their caloric intake. When this program was first started we discovered that the indigenous peoples we enrolled in the program were taking our money and buying food (talk about your unanticipated consequences) so the program has been modified to pay them with subscriptions to the Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition DVD and other products that educate our “clients” in the value of being thin, while at the same time, in solidarity with the models, they are do their part to maintain the earth’s delicate ecological balance.

Now some will say that it is unfair to ask the third world poor to reduce their consumption of calories to indulge the guilt of fat Americans but think about it, the over whelming majority of humans on earth are in the third world so we Americans could starve ourselves to death and it still would not balance the calories that all those untold masses want to consume. Besides, they need the money.

2. The Beef Consumption Reduction Program (TBCRP)- We were recently horrified by new reports that show that the beef industry is one of the major contributors to global warming. In response we have developed a new program so earth friendly that we get choked up just thinking about it – a program that will simultaneously contribute to calorie reduction, and end global warming, at the same time.

One of the advantages of this program is that it builds on the infrastructure already on place for the TWCCRP program. This innovative program offers our existing third world clientele the opportunity to earn additional cash and prizes (well, prizes anyway, we already told you about their propensity to spend cash on food and we won’t make that mistake again!) by agreeing to remove beef from their diets.

3. Third World Calorie Consumer Elimination Plan (TWCCEP) - As we stated above, we believe that the best way to insure the most “bang for your CaloCredit© buck” is to go to where there are the most mouths that want to voraciously consume the worlds limited supply of calories. And as we all know, if capitalism and free markets continue their pernicious spread around the globe, those people in the third world will have access to more wealth which will increase there ability to start demanding more calories (for a frightening expose of this looming disaster read Thomas Malthus’ “The Principle of Population” and “Paul Echlich’s The Population Bomb”).

This program takes your money and attacks the root of the problem (human beings) by paying poor third world mothers to abort their children. You can save the planet while at the same time save some poor child from a miserable life here on Earth. You can’t get any more humanitarian that that.

These are just a few of the earth saving, guilt expiating programs that we support so get up off your fat a** and visit our web site at www.calocredit.com before your next visit to the fridge!

“Calorie Offset Credits (COC)” is a generic name for this type of innovative new earth saving investment programs which are being marketed by many reputable companies. CaloCredit © is a registered trademark of calocredit.com. We are currently working with other COC vendors to develop the first global COC trading market.

[blazematrix]

LOL! This is funny!

BM

[Thombo2]

What a great idea!Last night i consumed an entire medium Domino's pizza in one sitting.I was overwhelmed with guilt thinking about all those starving third worlders.I'm signing up today!Thanx marko:)

[patton]

I was LMAO until I got to the abortion part.

Too true to be funny, IMHO.

[mulligan]

Are these like Carbon Certificates? What a wonderful world. Does this also help
Al Gore and global warming?

[gridlock]

Johnnie, eat your vegetables! Think of all the starving children in China you are feeding with your Calorie Offset Credits!

[blazematrix]

Yes, I love parodies like this! It's the same as calling people that consume more power than they need to FAT people! Some could call them useless eaters. Eat more than 2000 calories a day you will be taxed. Tha FAT TAX! If you eat more than you need in a week, the power (food) will be turn off. So all these useless eaters will starve to death.

Good parody!
BM