Posted on 12/24/2022 3:25:24 AM PST by Jyotishi
ANALYSIS
Left unaddressed, gaslighting can take a significant toll on your self-esteem and overall mental health
You are overthinking... We all have often come across phrases in our daily life at least once or on repeated terms such as -- You have always been crazy; I don’t know what you want me to say; It’s your fault; Everyone agrees with me; That’s not how it happened; Your memory seems to be slipping; I did that because I was trying to help you.
Such phrases undermine our trust and belief. The more we hear them, the more we stop trusting ourselves. When some other person becomes a gatekeeper to your reality, then you are in a spot which is vulnerable to further manipulation. In other words, when someone controls or denies or tries to play with your thoughts, feelings or behaviours especially on a repeated term, then you are right to suspect reality doubting often termed ‘gaslighting’.
The term ‘gaslighting’ has its origin from a 1938 play, Gas Light, and its adaptation by Patrick Hamilton, known in America as “Angel Street” which later developed into the film ‘Gas Light’ by Alfred Hitchcock. Since the movie was an accurate portrayal of controlling the toxic actions used by manipulators, various psychologists and counsellors began to label this emotional abuse as gaslighting.
Gaslight is a covert type of emotional abuse in which the abuser misleads the victim (target), creating a false narrative and making them question their judgments and reality. It can confuse the victim and cause the victim to question their own judgment, memory, self-worth and overall mental health.
According to ‘The National Domestic Violence’ Hotline’s fact sheet “Withholding, Countering, Blocking/diverting, Trivializing and Denial” are the five techniques which a gaslighter may use to manipulate someone. A gaslighter will often start with something that is true and sensitive to the victim. They may praise the victim initially and immediately confide in them.
They do so to attain power over their victim as they wish to control them either emotionally, physically or financially. Gaslighting can occur in any type of relationships be it personal (an abusive spouse or a parent), or professional (a co-worker or a boss) or, at public and legal institutions where the abusive person may use gaslight to isolate their target, undermine their confidence and ultimately control them.
The more this happens, the more power and influence the victim has on the abuser. The victim starts relying heavily on what others say and have no scope of trusting themselves. They end up doubting their memory, their perception and sanity. They feel confused, anxious and even depressed about their relationship, make excuses for the partner’s behaviour, are not able to understand the reason for unhappiness in their own life, always end up apologizing and are left with no option but to rely on the gaslighter's version of reality.
With time, a gaslighter’s manipulations can make it difficult for the victim to see the truth. At times, it can even lead to the mental health concerns including addiction and even thoughts of suicide.
Gaslighting is not always intentional or malicious. It is a psychologically manipulative tactic to get a person or a group of people to doubt their reality and memory. Almost anyone can be susceptible to this tactic. People gaslight for numerous reasons and every situation is different. Lying and distortion are the cornerstones of gaslighting behaviour followed by repetition. Repetition technique is a brainwashing tactic wherein if a person knows that something is a blatant lie, repetition starts to make them believe it.
Remember gaslighting works because it confuses people and shakes the confidence. But if the victim shows that he is not affected by the behaviour, the person trying to gaslight will decide that it isn’t worth it. Do not be afraid of speaking. When a person is in isolation, chances are that he may be more susceptible to self-doubt and when a gaslighter knows about this, will try to convince as per their best interest. Stand firm in your truth, i.e., believe in yourself, your feelings for the person doing the gaslighting, the goal is to have the receiving person (the victim) doubt their perception.
Keep simple conversations, start writing things or maintain a journal about day to day happening which will help you ground yourself in your own truth and will also make you feel confident in case you start feeling confused or low at your self-esteem. Start collecting evidence such as saving screenshots of texts and emails, taking photos of any damage done to property, keeping a record of the date and time of conversations. Start engaging yourself in physical activities like yoga, long run and meditation. These activities serve as an outlet for tension and distress. Left unaddressed, gaslighting can take a significant toll on your self-esteem and overall mental health.
(The author is a teacher at a reputed school in Delhi)
“I agree with you that IQ is not a defense against gaslighting.”
True. And it seemed that the highly educated and professional ladies had a harder time dealing with it. They knew they weren’t stupid, so “how could this happen to ME?” Total embarrassment and depression.
Not all highly educated people have high IQs. Some majors require very little abstract thinking.
The media gaslights Trump endlessly and he lashes out.
Just like Pelosi intentionally let the Jan 6th mob into the capitol building. Then demonizes Trump. Gaslighting in a sense.
I think that a certain level of shamelessness helps too. If you can horrify a narcissist in their opening gambit they will generally run away from YOU!
People are conditioned to it, starting at an early age. Children. You weren’t, keep that in mind.
You’re seeing the results at 30,000 feet. The people today that are up to say, 30 or 40 years old - they’ve been immersed in this $&t 24/7 365 days a year, since the Womb.
Even so, it isn’t working as well (or as fast) as they’d like. That’s why they have gone full YOLO in recent years. People are tuning out, turning off and are about ready to “drop in”. Could be fun.
Some of the easiest people to con are those that think they are really, really smart.
"The January 6 insurrection."
“Have you ever had somebody attempt to “gaslight” you but they couldn’t get anywhere”
I guess fake compliments are like that. How to deal with them?
I told that to my kids from the beginning. The purpose of learning and getting an education is to develop a "BS Meter", and yes, I used that exact term.
I’m not sure how to classify it, but “This particular example of a bad thing happened to me, therefore this particular example is the most common form of that bad thing” seems like a logical fallacy of some sort.
Never said you were.
It would be an interesting study to investigate whether Males or Females are the predominate figure for a gaslighting personality.
Yes, it would be an interesting study. Lacking actual data, we're left with personal opinions based on nothing in particular. Those opinions tell the world more about the people offering the opinion, than they do about the actual subject of the opinion.
I'm gonna guess its Males because they are usually in the position of power.
ROFL!!! My experience of gaslighting outside the political sphere is of people who lack physical power using gaslighting as a way of compensating. I'm gonna guess it's Females because they're usually the one's lacking physical power. See how it works? Lacking actual data, all we can do is make wild-eyed guesses. At least have the honesty to admit it's just a wild-eyed guess.
Experts say ...
Thanks. I just won $20. I bet my wife that you wouldn’t read an article with actual stats. Merry Christmas. LOL!
sit-rep, I’m very sorry that you’ve had such terrible sorrow and suffering.
My parents were both brilliant people and they used that gift to gaslight me and many of the people in their little corner of the world.
When my ex joined the family they took him under their wings and he joined in to create a very unholy trinity.
When I finally realized that they didn’t love or like me I removed myself from their lives. That’s when I began to heal and to realize that there was no way to repair my relationships with them because they only wanted me around in order to use me. For me, the only solution was to cut all ties completely.
Somehow I survived and am now rid of the whole lot of them but the scars they inflicted upon me and very many other people will continue to have an effect for a long time.
One thing that saved me is that, from the time of my very first memories, I have always known that God loves me, no more and no less than He loves any other person. But, I know that He loves me, therefore I know that I’m valuable no matter what my parents ever told me.
The other thing that has helped to cause as little harm as possible for all concerned has been my attempts to do the right thing and not to react in anger or to take revenge. Believe me, this has been very difficult and I’ve failed many times, but the trying has paid off and I’m continually seeing good and even surprising results from my poor attempts to take the high road.
sit-rep, there is hope for real healing and happiness. I’m proof of that. I can’t possibly know what your solution is but I do know that you are valuable and there are people who need you, especially now, with the wisdom you surely have gained from such a terrible suffering.
Also, there is always hope for your relationships with your children. Only yesterday I had a wonderful, joyful surprise and answer to heartfelt prayer that brought me to tears. (Always remember that you are your children’s only father.)
I hope you won’t mind if I pray for you this Christmas. :-)
Mayflower Madam, I worked with abused women and men, too, and that work helped me to understand my own situation better and to deal with it in a healthy way.
Thank you for your work. I’m sure that there are many people in this world suffering less than they would have suffered had it not been for your work.
Don’t spend it all in one place ...
Just be careful!! id feel real bad if I hear in a few days you got hit by lighting!! :P
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