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THE TWELVE DAYS OF PC CHRISTMAS
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On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,
THREE deconstructionist poets,
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses,
and...
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Good Kwanzaa--Oh, heck! Happy Solstice!
(unless otherwise prohibited by law) *
*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with a suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.
14> O Little Town of Birmingham
13> I Don't Fear What You Fear
12> Oh, Krispy Kreme
11> Angels I Have Heard While High
10> Grandma Got Run Over By a Train, Dear
9> Oh Come *On*, All Ye Faithful!
8> Silent Night. Total F**king Silence.
7> Hark! The Victoria's Secret Angels Jiggle
6> We Kiss You a Mahir Christmas
5> Livin' La Vida Loca -- not that it has anything to do with atheism, but that Ricky Martin is HOT!
4> Whose Kid is This?
3> O Stoli Night
2> Amway -- I'm a Manager
...and the Number 1 Atheist Holiday Song...
1> Got Breasts, Ye Merry Gentlemen?
16> Pestilence Is Comin' to Town
14> Do You Smell What I Smell?
13> Blood Let Ye Merry Gentlemen
12> Giveth Thy Caroling Neighbors Money, or We'll Tell the Towne of Thy Predilection for Farme Animals
11> Chipmunks Roasting On An Open Fire
10> Daddy Lost His Fingers A-Makin' the Christmas Sausage
9> All I Want for Christmas is my Grog and Mead
8> Espied Have I Father Christmas and My Mother Dear Under the Candled Tree Embracing Nakedly
7> Joy to the World, Flat Disk That It Is
6> Best Friggin' Leave Some Friggin' Cookies for Santa This Friggin' Year, Ye Friggin' Ingrates
5> We Three Moyles of Orient Are
4> The Cloven Hoofe of a Reindeer Hath Laid My Mother's Mother to her Rest
3> Wake Up, Ye Merry Gentlemen -- My Husband Hath Arriveth Home Early!
2> Oh, Who Shall Cut the Christmas Cheese?
...and the Number 1 Forgotten Olde Tyme Christmas Carol...
1> Mistletoe, Schmistletoe: If I Feel Thy Tongue, Thy Head Will Roll
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:
* Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly.
* We three kings of porridge and tar...
* On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me...
* Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
* He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.
* Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
* With the jelly toast proclaim...
* Olive, the other reindeer...
* Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say.
* Sleep in heavenly peas.
* In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown.
* You'll go down in listerine.
* Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay.
God rest ye Unitarians, let nothing you dismay
Remember there's no evidence there was a Christmas day.
When Christ was born just is not known, no matter what they say,
Glad tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact,
Glad tidings of reason and fact.
There was no star of Bethlehem, there was no angel song,
There could have been no wise men, for the journey was too long,
The stories in the Bible are historically wrong,
Glad tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact,
Glad tidings of reason and fact.
Much of our Christmas custom comes from Persia and from Greece,
From solstice celebrations of the ancient Middle East,
Our so-called Christmas holiday is but a pagan feast,
Glad tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact,
Glad tidings of reason and fact.
SCHIZOPHRENIA- Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY- We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
DEMENTIA- I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.
NARCISSISTIC- Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
MANIA- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense.
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY- Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
PARANOIA- Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.
DEPRESSION- Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE- Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE- On the First Day of Christmas My Mother Gave to Me (and then took it all away).
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CAN YOU NAME THESE CHRISTMAS SONGS?
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1. Oh, member of the round table with missing areas
2. Boulder of the tinkling metal spheres
3. Vehicular homicide was committed on Dad's mom by a precipitous darling
4. Wanted in December: top forward incisors
5. The apartment of two psychiatrists
6. The lad is a diminutive percussionist
7. Sir Lancelot with laryngitis
8. Decorate the entryways
9. Cup-shaped instruments fashioned of a whitish metallic element
10. Oh small Israel urban center
11. Far off in a haybin
12. We are Kong, Lear, and Nat Cole
13. Duodecimal enumeration of the passage of the yuletide season
14. Leave and broadcast from an elevation
15. Our fervent hope is that you thoroughly enjoy your yuletide season
16. Listen, the winged heavenly messengers are proclaiming tunefully
17. As the guardians of the woolly animals protected their charges in the dark hours
18. I beheld a trio of nautical vessels moving in this direction
19. Jubilation to the entire terrestrial globe
20. Do you perceive the same vibrations which stimulate my auditory sense organ?
21. A joyful song of reverence relative to hollow metallic vessels which vibrate and bring forth a ringing sound when struck
22. Parent was observed osculating a red-coated unshaven teamster
23. May the Deity bestow an absence of fatigue to mild male humans
24. Rose-colored uncouth dolf is aware of the nature of precipitation, darling