ACE OF DIAMONDS IRKED BY NO. 4 RANKING

Borowitz Report ^ | June 20, 2003 | Andy Borowitz

[stilts]

Calls Uday, Qusay 'Do-nothings'

Abid Hamid Mahmoud al-Tikriti, the just-captured "ace of diamonds" from the former Iraqi regime of Saddam Hussein, last night blasted his number-four status, arguing that he should rank higher than both Uday and Qusay Hussein in the infamous deck of cards.

"When the Americans told me I was number four, I practically fell out of my chair," Mr. Mahmoud told CNN's Larry King during an hour-long interview. "What were they smoking when they put together these rankings?"

Mr. Mahmoud attempted to portray himself as a victim of nepotism, claiming that the Hussein sons' role in Saddam's brutal dictatorship had been "blown way out of proportion" and that the two aces were "do-nothings."

"So Uday goes and steals a billion dollars from an Iraqi bank," Mr. Mahmoud said. "Larry, when you're one of Saddam's sons, that's like making a trip to an ATM."

As for Qusay Hussein, Mr. Mahmoud offered an even more withering portrayal.

"As far as I can remember, Qusay spent all his time at the Presidential Palace playing with his Sony PlayStation and downloading movies over the Internet," Mr. Mahmoud said. "If he's an ace, then I'm Kelly Clarkson."

Less than an hour after Mr. Mahmoud's controversial interview was broadcast, former Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein came out swinging in defense of his sons on "Access Hollywood."

"There's always a whiner in every organization, and in our brutal dictatorship that was definitely Mahmoud," Saddam said. "He's still mad that Qusay beat him out for Employee of the Month last November."

[stilts]

I enjoy this guy's work. Always good for a chuckle.

[DoughtyOne]

Like it or not, he'll remain number four in the DOD deck. However there is a consolation prize. All these guys are #2 to the US citizen.

[MEG33]

Thanks for the humor break!

[nutmeg]

ping!

Please FReepmail me if you want on or off my infrequent ‘miscellaneous’ ping list.

[Jumper]

Typical immature reaction of the typical Arab Culture rich kid:)

[L.N. Smithee]

This reminds me of that Bugs Bunny cartoon in which Bugs was offended that the bounty on a rabbit was only two cents. So he went about the business of causing so much trouble (filling in the Grand Canyon, sawing Florida from the continental U.S. and shoving it South America) that the bounty on his head was thousands of dollars.

The cartoon ended with hundreds of hunters opening fire on him.

[Criminal Number 18F]

I agree with ya. My day used to start with Drudge Report. Now it starts with Borowitz Report, and sets a much better tone for the day.

Andy Borowitz rocks!

d.o.l.

Criminal Number 18F

[The_Media_never_lie]

Seems like we need to promote him to joker.