Free Republic

SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READS: We will heel you. We will save your sole. We will even dye for you. A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK: "Blind man driving." Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." *In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." *On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels. At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for: You've come to the right place. On a Plumber's truck. "We repair what your husband fixed." On another Plumber's truck. "Don't sleep with a drip. Call...

A few pearls of wisdom The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless. Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. “Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo." Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is littered with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision. Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock. “The starting pay is $40,000. Later it can go up to $80,000.” Great. I’ll start later. ”Trust science. Studies show...

It is an outcome that few dared to hope for. But 10 days after Ukraine's generals announced the start of their first major counter-attack against Russian troops, the road to victory is starting to become clearer. Clever tactics saw Ukraine's commanders draw Russian troops into the south of the country before pinning them down with a counter-attack around the city of Kherson. Some of Putin's best men are now all-but trapped in the city, bullied by Ukrainian artillery and with no easy way to retreat back across the Dnipro River after HIMARS strikes destroyed the main bridges. That gave Ukraine...

After being married for 30 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for just a moment and said, “You’re an alphabet wife…..A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K.” The wife then asks, “What does that mean?” He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Georgeous, and Hot.” She smiled happily and said, “Oh that’s so lovely but what about I,J,K?” He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”

- Reading can seriously damage your ignorance - The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless. - Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision. - Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock. - Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at 60 than at age 6. - Drinking 42 cups of coffee at one sitting will kill you with a caffeine overdose, please stop at 41. - “The...

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud. This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this: What Makes 100% ? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer...

Funny stuff

Thanks to technology, musical icon Elvis Presley and country star Martina McBride appear to be sharing a “Blue Christmas“ duet together. The footage of ‘The King’ comes from his 1968 Comeback Special. “Blue Christmas” was written by Billy Hayes and Jay W. Johnson and most famously recorded by Presley in 1957. This version with McBride appears on the album Elvis Presley Christmas Duets. Watch a retro-clad Martina find herself next to Elvis in the music video from 2008 below!

A Russian Jew, was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel. At Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked, "What is this?" The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked : Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations of socialism and created the future and prosperity of the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our dear hero." The Russian customs officer let him go without further inspection. At Tel Aviv airport, the Israeli customs officer also asked our friend, "What is...

An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. I didn’t think the chiropractor would improve my posture. But I stand corrected. I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate. Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder. I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops. My cross-eyed wife...

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not using it in a fruit salad. Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..' - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) <><> I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' - Eleanor Roosevelt <><> Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been...

A Lexophile" describes those who have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "To write with a broken pencil is pointless." An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile. This year's submissions: I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore. I...

The family put up the display for a contest, purchasing a dummy online and positioning a ladder beneath it to look like it’s tipping over. It’s a recreation of the scene from the movie "National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation," where Clark Griswold hangs from the roof while putting up Christmas lights. The display was too realistic for some. The Heerleins said someone rushed to help, thinking the dummy was a real person in distress. They called 911, along with about a dozen others.

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence. Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences. Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months. Q. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? A. I don’t know and I don’t care So what if I don’t know what “Armageddon” means? It’s not the end of the world.

Definitions BEAUTY PARLOR A place where women curl up and dye. CHICKENS The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. HANDKERCHIEF Cold Storage. INFLATION Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO An insect that makes you like flies better. POLITICAL CORRECTNESS A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority. RAISIN A grape with a sunburn. SECRET A story you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON A...

Foster as brain surgeon. Here is an airline pilot. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8XC3Hc-rAkk

MERGER TIPS FOR 2017: For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2017: 1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace. 2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker. 3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood. 4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa....

BELLINGHAM, Wash. - A Bellingham man, who is supporting Donald Trump, says people kept on stealing his Trump yard signs, almost as fast as he was putting them up. Ray Gilbride tells our partner KIRO Radio that he has had a total of seven signs stolen. This summer, Gilbride got fed up. First he set up a security camera, but when he turned over footage of people taking the signs to police, he says they didn't follow up. Gilbride then wired up a rig that electrified the signs. Surveillance video showed people taking the signs and getting shocked.

Ted Cruz backers have filled all 12 of the delegate slots at stake today in Colorado, swiftly navigating the complex process to consolidate support around his candidacy. His supporters now fill all 21 of the state’s allocated slots so far.

No way, no how does Obama get to pick his replacement!! Obama isn't fit to shine Scalia's shoes!! This should GALVANIZE all of us! (Vanity), in honor of this great man, to work doubly, triply hard to defeat the Democrats in November!