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A Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Jacksonville. He tells the priest, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the hell out of an Obama supporter.” The priest says, “My son, I’m here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service.”

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered. “Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came...

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says “Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.” The woman answered “Well, I have contacts.” The policeman replied “I don’t care who you know! You’re getting a ticket!”

A lawyer with a wife and 12 children needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner, who wanted to reoccupy the home. He was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said that he had 12 children no one would rent a home to him, because they felt that the children would destroy the place. He couldn’t say that he had no children, because he couldn’t lie; we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie. So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids....

During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level. So I described a typical day this way: “Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake.” Inspired by my story, the doctor said, “You must be some outdoorsman!” “No,” I replied, “I’m just a $hitty golfer.”

A Pharmacist walks in to the shop & notices a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk: "What's with the guy over there by the wall?" The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives". The owner, wide-eyed and excited shouts: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives". The clerk calmly responds: "Of course you can, look at him - he's afraid to cough."

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, “I’m sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I’m a gynecologist.” Then the proctologist fainted.

Near Fredericksburg , Texas , where there is a large German-speaking population, a farmer walking down a country road notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand. The farmer shouted: “Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.” Which means: (Don’t drink the water, the cows have sh** in it.) The man shouted back: “I’m from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama’s health care plan, I can’t understand you. Please speak in English.” The farmer replied: “Use two hands, you’ll get more.”

Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar,” the Preacher says. Leroy gets in line, and when it’s his turn, the preacher asks: “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you.” Leroy replies: “Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.” The preacher puts one finger in Leroy’s ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy’s head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy. After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, “Leroy, how is...

WHY IS IT THAT WE HAVE TO SPEAK ENGLISH? U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a Naval conference that included admirals from the U.S. English, Canadian, Australian, and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking...

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER Fresh from the shower, my wife stands in front of the mirror complaining to me that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, I uncharacteristically come up with a suggestion. ‘If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.’ Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. ‘How long will this take?’ she asked. ‘They will grow larger...

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. “You talk?” he asks. “Yep,” the Lab replies. “So, what’s your story?” The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all...

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied."We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the...

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have an AutoCAD monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred...

A Teamsters boss goes to a convention in Las Vegas for a few days.One night he goes out to a brothel. Like a good union man, he asks the madam if it's a union shop."No", she says. He says "Well, If I were to give you $100 how would you split it?"The madam says "The girl would get $20 and the house gets $80". "Pahh! " he says, and walks off to find another brothel.He asks the next madam "Are you a union shop?" "Oh, yes!" was the reply. He says "Well, If I were to give you $100 how...

Lost on a rainy Friday night, a priest stumbles into a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, he's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips he's ever had. After dinner, he goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. He is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Francis." "I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" Brother Michael replied, "Well, I'm the fish...

WE NEED MORE GRANDMOTHERS IN COURT!!! Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer: In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand ... a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You...

A while ago there used to be this thread. Well, I have not seen it for a while. Let's light this candle.

YOU HAD ONE JOB Those colors though... ~ If you’re going to rob a store at least keep hold of the gun. ~ A-MAZE-ING! ~ Slow news day? ~ Lucky it was only a paintball gun. #firearmsfriday ~ Odd looking flute. ~ We're all doomed ~ May want to keep the dog inside next time. ~ I'm not a fan of this guys work ~ Well, that sucks! ~ And, this does not suck. A glitch in the Matrix ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

What happened to the Friday Silliness thread, we need humor and laughs.