Posted on 05/15/2020 9:00:43 AM PDT by Colonial35
A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. “You talk?” he asks. “Yep,” the Lab replies. “So, what’s your story?” The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.” “But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. “I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired” The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. “Ten dollars,” the guy says. “Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?” “Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that stuff.”
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender,
“Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.”
“Oh yeah?” said Charlie, “And how did this one end?”
“When it was over,” Mike replied,
“She came to me on her hands and knees.
“Really,” said Charles, “Now that’s a switch!
What did she say?”
She said, “Come out from under the bed,
you little chicken.”
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become
accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced
was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! “You need to use
‘Big People’ words,” she was always reminding them.
She asked Kady what he had done over the weekend.
“I went to visit my Nana.”
“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People’ words!”
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
“I took ride on a choo choo. “
She said “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use
“Big People’ words.”
She then asked little Zach what he had done.
“I read a book,” he replied.
“That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”
Zach thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest
with great pride and said:
“Winnie the SH*T”
Speaking of talking dogs:
A guy had a talking dog, so he went to a talent agent.
“I have a talking dog,” he siad.
“Talking dog? Yeah, right.”
“Let me show you.” He turned to the dog. “How does sandpaper feel?”
The dog answered, “Rrrrruf!”
“Yeah, right,” said the agent. “He’s just barking.”
“No, he talks. Let me try again. What do you put on a house?”
“Rrrrrroof!”
“OK, that’s it,” said the talent agent. “Talking dog!”
“Let me try one more question,” the guy said. “Who’s the greatest baseball player of all time?”
“Rrrrrrruth!”
“OK, out! You’re wasting my time.” and the agent threw them out of the office.
As they were riding down in the elevator, the dog said, “Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?”
I didn’t see that one coming.
LOL
Heh, a variant of the old “the sheep is lying” joke...
That is terrible! I need a dozen of them for gifts.
A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation,
lost his wallet and all identification.
Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home
but is stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.
“May I see your identification, please?” asks the agent.
“I’m sorry, but I lost my wallet,” replies the guy.
“Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry,”
says the agent.”But I can prove I’m an American!”
he exclaims. “I have a picture of Ronald Reagan
tattooed on one butt cheek and George Bush on the other.”
“This I gotta see,” replies the agent.
With that, the guy drops his pants and shows the agent.
“By golly, you’re right!” exclaims the agent.
“Have a safe trip back to Boston.”
“Thanks!” he says. “But how did you know I was from Boston ?”
The agent replies, “I recognized Ted Kennedy in the middle.”
Post Turtle
While suturing a cut on the hand of
a 75-year-old California rancher,
whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle,
the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Nancy Pelosi
and her elevation to speaker of the house.
The old racher said, “Well, ya know, Nancy is a post turtle.”
Not being familiar with the term,
the doctor asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was.
The old rancher said, “When you’re driving down a
country road and you come across a fence post
with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post turtle.”
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face,
so he continued to explain.
“You know he didn’t get there by himself,
he doesn’t belong there, he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there,
and you just want to help the dumb SOB get down.”
Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York
to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time.
One little boy puts up his hand.
The Senator asks him what his name is. “Kenneth,”
the boy replies. “And what is your question, Kenneth?”
“I have three questions...”
“First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan
you were paid to develop during your husband’s
eight years in the office as President?
Second - why would you run for President
after your husband shamed the office?
Third - whatever happened to all those things
you took when you left the White House?”
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs
the kids that they will continue after recess. When they resume,
Hillary says, “Okay, where were we? Oh, that’s right, question time.
Who has a question?”
A different little boy puts his hand up.
Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.
“Larry.”
“And what is your question, Larry?”
“I have five questions...”
“First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan
you were paid to develop during your husband’s
eight years in the office as President?
Second - why would you run for President
after your husband shamed the office?
Third - whatever happened to all those things
you took when you left the White House?
Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
Fifth - Where’s Kenneth?”
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket
reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm
handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said,
“Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate!!”
the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry about the misunderstanding,”
said the manager.
“Here, give me the broom - I’ll show you how.”
Funny... Great jokes...
What if Bob Ross was actually a serial killer and all his paintings where of places he hid the bodies...
Stolen joke, waited over a year to use it.
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