Keyword: satire

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  • Testicular Bill of Rights Proposed in Georgia [semi-satire]

    03/18/2019 6:08:08 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 March 2019 | John Semmens
    Angered that the legislature passed a law protecting the unborn from being killed once a heartbeat is detected, Rep. Dar’shun Kendrick (D-Lithonia) has introduced a bill she calls a “Testicular Bill of Rights.” “This will level the playing field by establishing the same kind of regulations infringing upon men’s bodies that Republicans have imposed on women’s bodies,” Kendrick contends. The provisions of her bill include: (1) require men to have their partner’s permission before an erectile dysfunction medication can be prescribed; (2) ban vasectomies and punish doctors who perform them; (3) punish men who have sex without a condom; (4)...
  • Former VP Slow Joe Biden Announce Candidacy (Satire)

    03/17/2019 8:06:53 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 2 replies
    3/17/19 | RetiredTexasVet
    Former Vice President "Slow Joe" Biden announced his candidacy for the Democratic nomination for Vice President today. Reporters and fellow Democrats were taken aback by this surprising announcement. Slow Joe stated that there were several reasons for his decision to run for Vice President rather than President. First, he listed the 8 years of experience that he had as VP under Obama which made him more qualified than anyone else for the position. He stated that it was really like a highly paid part time job with the only downside being considered a lowly step-n-fetch-it. Second, he acknowledged that he...
  • FBI Witness Blames Lynch, Rues Getting Caught [semi-satire]

    03/17/2019 10:06:54 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 March 2019 | John Semmens
    Lisa Page, a key cog in the Obama Administration’s conspiracy to derail Trump’s campaign and sabotage him after he won the election, testified to Congress that it was Attorney General Loretta Lynch who ordered FBI Director James Comey to exonerate Hillary Clinton for mishandling classified government communications. For her part, Lynch denied that she explicitly ordered Comey to do anything. “I just passed on the message given to me by Bill Clinton in our tarmac meeting. He said that Hillary really wanted to be president and that anyone who messed that up would regret it, possibly to the point of...
  • Admitted Thief Throws Hat in Race for Dem Presidential Nomination [semi-satire]

    03/16/2019 12:42:27 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 March 2019 | John Semmens
    This week, Robert “Beto” O’Rourke, the Kennedyesque former Texas Democrat Representative and failed Senate candidate, changed course and declared he will run for his Party’s nomination in the 2020 presidential election. O’Rourke got his start on the path to politics in his teens as a member of the Cult of the Dead Cow (CDC) during the 1980s. The CDC financed its activities by pirating software, pilfering long-distance phone service and credit card fraud. The CDC’s web site contained a warning saying: “This site may contain explicit descriptions of or advocate one or more of the following: adultery, murder, morbid violence,...
  • New Zealand Terror Attack Blamed on Trump [semi-satire]

    03/15/2019 11:35:27 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 March 2019 | John Semmens
    A gunman who described himself as a "Green Nationalist" and admirer of Oswald Mosley—the leader of the British Union of Fascists in the 1930s—murdered 49 people at two mosques in Christchurch. The shooter's "Manifesto" explained the crime as "a more direct approach to saving the planet from overpopulation" by targeting "a group that is among the fastest breeding segment of humanity." He also expressed admiration of China's one-child policy, but "had to take matters into my own hands because western governments don't have the balls to do what is needed." CNN was quick to suggest that US President Trump was...
  • Exasperated Olive Garden Waitress Asks Bernie Sanders If He's Gonna Free Breadsticks (Sat)

    03/13/2019 5:37:41 PM PDT · by Gamecock · 38 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 3/12/2019
    Full Title: Exasperated Olive Garden Waitress Asks Bernie Sanders If He's Just Gonna Sit There Eating Free Breadsticks All Night HYATTSVILLE, MD—An exasperated waitress at a local Olive Garden restaurant was forced to ask Senator Bernie Sanders if he was just gonna sit there all night eating free breadsticks or if he was going to order something, sources confirmed Monday. evening. Sanders walked in and the waitress asked if she could bring him a basket of breadsticks while he thought about what he wanted to order. Sanders' eyes went wild. "Free bread? Oh, I think I would like that very...
  • Army to name new attack helicopter after Elizabeth Warren

    03/13/2019 4:19:20 PM PDT · by Sub-Driver · 67 replies
    Army to name new attack helicopter after Elizabeth Warren Published 12 hours ago on March 13, 2019 By Jim Bowie FORT RUCKER, Ala. — The U.S. Army will honor Elizabeth Warren and her Native American ancestry with the latest addition to its helicopter fleet, the AH-68 Warren, sources confirmed today. The Warren will join the Black Hawk, Kiowa, Apache, and Lakota in the Army’s impressive legacy of combat aircraft named after Native American tribes. The Warren conquered its two chief competitors, the AH-67 Redskin and V-23 Columbus, to win the Army contract. “The Redskin just offended too many white people,...
  • 'Everything Is Bad And The World Is Ending And You Shouldn't Have Kids,' Says Party Of Progress

    03/12/2019 9:25:48 AM PDT · by Rummyfan · 24 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 8 Mar 2019 | Anonymous
    The United States birth rate has continued to fall as millennials increasingly believe that everything is bad, the world is going to end, and to bring kids into this nightmarish hellscape would be tantamount to child abuse. “The world is going to end in twelve years. If you have kids, it will end in probably like six years or something because they’ll just breathe more,” Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said on a recent Instagram Live broadcast. “I have the science right here.” Ocasio-Cortez held up a copy of National Geographic. She later realized she had been referencing an article from 1989 warning...
  • Hawaii Dems Call for Repeal of 2nd Amendment [semi-satire]

    03/12/2019 9:57:40 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 March 2019 | John Semmens
    The Hawaii Senate is considering a resolution calling for a repeal of the 2nd Amendment right to bear arms. The heavily Democrat-dominated body (there is only one Republican and 24 Democrats) will most likely pass the resolution. Resolution co-sponsor Roz Baker (D-Maui) says “the era when individuals had to have firearms to hunt for food or ward off criminals is long past. In 1789, help could not be easily summoned and once summoned could take hours or more to respond. Today, police can be summoned in seconds and arrive within minutes. There is no longer a need for individual ownership...
  • Accused Killer Wants Change in Venue [semi-satire]

    03/11/2019 10:51:38 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 March 2019 | John Semmens
    Cristhian Rivera, the illegal alien on trial for murdering University of Iowa student Mollie Tibbetts in August of last year, has asked for a change of venue. He claims that the likely jury pool won’t constitute a “jury of my peers.” “How can a jury of white corn farmers fairly assess the fate of a Latino immigrant?” he asks. “They don’t know what it is like to trek hundreds of miles to secretly cross the border. They don’t know what it is like to work at menial jobs for low wages? They don’t know how difficult it is for a...
  • Dems Can’t Reach Consensus to Condemn Anti-Semitism [semi-satire]

    03/10/2019 10:33:02 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 March 2019 | John Semmens
    Unable to cobble together a majority of her Party willing to vote for a resolution condemning the repeated anti-Semitic propaganda issuing forth from Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn), Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) was able to get an insipid statement opposing hatred through. “Since there are so many hateful things being said and done in the world, our caucus didn’t think it would be fair to single out Rep. Omar for rebuke,” Pelosi explained. “On top of that, it was pointed out to me the Quran commands Muslims to hate Jews and that criticizing her for following the commands of her faith...
  • DNC Bars Fox News from Covering Debates [semi-satire]

    03/09/2019 11:10:18 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 March 2019 | John Semmens
    The Democratic National Committee (DNC) announced it will not allow Fox News to host any of the 2020 presidential election debates. DNC Chairman Tom Perez cited "the network's hostility toward our Party's positions and policies. It would be unfair for our candidates to have to answer questions from our political enemies." President Trump was quick to mock the DNC's decision. "I guess the Democratic candidates need a host that will give them the questions in advance. They have so little confidence in their ability to explain their crazy ideas to the American people that they want a reliable CNN or...
  • House Dems Endorse Illegal Voting ]semi-satire]

    03/08/2019 10:04:29 PM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 March 2019 | John Semmens
    As part of its top priority "For the People Act," the Democrat-controlled House of Representatives voted 228 to 197 to explicitly endorse local governments that allow illegal immigrants to vote. Federal law currently does not permit non-citizens to vote in federal elections. However, the enforcement of this law is more difficult when state and local election ballots are cast simultaneously. Rep. John Lewis (D-GA) enthusiastically praised the measure, saying "we are prepared to open up the political process and let all of the people come in. 'Newcomers,' as Speaker Pelosi has dubbed them, have a human right to vote. Since...
  • SATIRE Calvinist Church Hosts Bingo Night, Just Selects Winners Ahead Of Time

    03/07/2019 2:40:21 PM PST · by OddLane · 10 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 3/7/19 | Babylon Bee
    Sovereign Grace First Reformed Church hosts a bingo night every few months to reach out to the surrounding community of seniors and provide a fun night for its own elderly church members. But it's not a typical bingo night. Instead of picking winners at random, the pastor simply elects a chosen few to win the night beforehand and informs the winners upfront. "Rather than going through the motions of so-called 'random selection' of bingo numbers, we will simply inform you when you arrive whether or not you were chosen to win," Pastor John McDavies said...
  • Ilhan Omar Withdraws Support From Bill To Save The Earth After Learning That’s Where Israel [satire]

    03/07/2019 1:20:55 PM PST · by C19fan · 13 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | March 7, 2019 | Staff
    Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Green New Deal hit a snag when it lost the support of another freshman representative, Ilhan Omar. Omar had been an enthusiastic supporter of the Green New Deal and wanted to save the earth, but then she noticed something very disturbing when looking at a map of the earth: Earth is the planet on which Israel resides. “You’ve been hypnotized by the Jews!” Omar accused a surprised Ocasio-Cortez. Omar then ripped up a copy of the Green New Deal. “This is just a plot to help Israel keep existing! Did AIPAC pay you off?”
  • California Dem’s Bill Would Outlaw High School Animal Dissections [semi-satire]

    03/06/2019 9:53:52 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 March 2019 | John Semmens
    California Assemblyman Ash Kalra (D-San Jose) has introduced a bill that would ban high school biology classes from dissecting animals as part of their learning about anatomy. Kalra says that “the current law allowing students with moral objections to opt out of the dissection lesson is unsatisfactory. For one, it still allows the callous exploitation of animals to go forward. Second, it allows students without moral scruples to receive a more complete education than their morally superior peers.” “The whole premise of these dissections is founded on an unwarranted notion that humans are more important than other creatures,” Kalra observed....
  • Anti-Infanticide Bill Fails in Senate [semi-satire]

    03/05/2019 11:03:05 AM PST · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 March 2019 | John Semmens
    Last week, the Born Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act was blocked in the US Senate. While a 53-44 majority voted for the measure, the bill failed to garner the 60 votes required by Senate rules and did not advance to an actual vote. If enacted, the measure would require that doctors render aid to any baby that survives an abortion procedure and impose penalties for failure to provide life-saving assistance. All the Democratic senators who have already announced their intention to run for their Party’s 2020 presidential nomination—Bernie Sanders (Vt), Kamala Harris (Calif), Cory Booker (NJ), Kirsten Gillibrand (NY), Amy...
  • Stalin Posthumously Identifies As Strong Woman Of Color To Deflect Criticism Of Socialist Policies

    03/05/2019 7:42:28 AM PST · by xzins · 18 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 4 Mar 19 | BB
    HELL—In a statement offered to reporters during a 15-minute recess from hell, dictator and mass murderer Joseph Stalin announced he now identifies as a strong woman of color in order to deflect criticism away from his socialist policies that killed millions. "I now identify as a strong woman of color, and a lot of men simply can't handle that," Stalin said, sassily snapping his fingers in a "Z" formation. "It drives them crazy to know that a strong woman of color such as myself can wield so much power." Stalin stated that white men simply feel threatened by his accomplishments...
  • Rep. Omar Says Trump Unfairly Undermining Maduro [semi-satire]

    03/04/2019 9:36:36 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 March 2019 | John Semmens
    Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) defended Venezuelan President Maduro’s order for troops to fire on humanitarian aid workers trying to delivery food to the nation’s starving inhabitants. “This food aid has not been approved by the legitimate government authorities,” Omar pointed out. “It is a totally ad hoc effort that is undermining the Maduro regime’s attempts to rally his people against the Yankee imperialism that is the root cause of the crisis in Venezuela.” “Venezuela used to be able to count on oil revenue to finance the country’s transition to socialism,” Omar maintained. “But under Trump’s radical deregulation policy the United...
  • Moderate Dems Threatened [semi-satire]

    03/03/2019 11:59:36 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 March 2019 | John Semmens
    This week, 26 moderate Democrats joined Republicans in voting for an amendment to the House’s bill requiring background checks for all firearms transactions—including those between family members. Since it is against the law for persons in the country illegally to possess firearms, the GOP amendment added a clause requiring gun sellers to notify ICE whenever such a purchase is attempted. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) was outraged “at this betrayal of the socialist future we are trying to bring to this country. If we are going to overcome the constitutional and traditional barriers to gun confiscation in America we must have...