Keyword: satire

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  • Dems Seek to Grease Skids for Tax Increase [semi-satire]

    12/18/2018 9:24:34 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 Dec 2018 | John Semmens
    Now that they will be back in the majority in the House of Representatives starting in January, Democrats are looking to ways to make raising taxes on Americans easier. Incoming House Rules Committee chairman Rep. Jim McGovern (D-Mass) announced he will not be abiding by the formerly bipartisan agreement to require a three-fifths majority to raise income taxes. “It should not be so hard for the government to seize the wealth that collectively belongs to the state,” McGovern said. “The notion that the person who earns an income should have protection against the government taking a bigger slice of it...
  • The 8 Stages of Gardening

    12/17/2018 10:25:06 AM PST · by orsonwb · 21 replies
    The How Do Gardener ^ | 12/16/2018 | Rick Bickling
    Just as in life, gardening has its peaks and valleys, its ups and downs, its ebbs and flows. Take a humorous look at the 8 stages of gardening...
  • Caravan Update [semi-satire]

    12/17/2018 8:59:41 AM PST · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 Dec 2018 | John Semmens
    The caravan of people trying to illegally enter the United States is taking steps to vindicate President Trump’s policy of keeping them out. On the one hand, 280 of them have been arrested by Mexican police for burglarizing residences in Tijuana. Meanwhile, another 100 of them have tried their hand at extortion by demanding $50,000 apiece as the price of them ceasing to assault the border and go home. The Trump Administration has flatly rejected this blackmail demand, but House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) and Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) urged consideration of what they termed “a reasonable request.”...
  • 27% Say Santa Should Get Sex Change [semi-satire]

    12/16/2018 7:56:04 AM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 Dec 2018 | John Semmens
    A survey of 400 people conducted for the GraphicSprings company found 27 percent of respondents suggesting that Santa undergo a sex-change. As one respondent put it, “males have hogged this role for centuries why shouldn’t women get a chance to play this part?” An even more radical idea was offered by another respondent who suggested that “if we really want to keep up with trends, Santa should be transgender. Think of the inclusiveness this would communicate. By slicing off his scrotum, fashioning a vagina out of his penis, and plumping up his chest with implants we’d create a powerful spokesperson...
  • China Demands Reparations for Pollution [semi-satire]

    12/15/2018 11:24:42 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 Dec 2018 | John Semmens
    China is the leading emitter of CO2 among the nations of the world. Its CO2 emissions are more than double those of the United States. Yet, the Paris Accord negotiated by former President Obama exempts China from contributing to pollution emission reductions. On top of that, the Accord obligates signers from developed nations to pay less developed nations $100 billion per year in climate related aid starting in 2020. Xie Zhenhua, China’s lead envoy at the United Nations conference on global warming in Poland, castigated the developed countries for “neglecting to compensate us for the environmental damage they have done...
  • Evidence of Clintons' Tax Evasion Presented To House [semi-satire]

    12/15/2018 7:24:27 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 Dec 2018 | John Semmens
    This week, Lawrence Doyle and John Moynihan of DM Income Advisors told the House subcommittee on government operations that they forwarded thousands of documents to the IRS showing that Bill and Hillary Clinton may have neglected to pay taxes on $400 million to $2.5 billion in money they cycled through the Clinton Foundation's so-called charity. Clinton Foundation CEO Kevin Thurm dismissed the allegations as "just another ploy by the vast right-wing conspiracy that has been harassing Bill and Hillary for decades. No one in government has ever seen fit to pursue any indictments for anything that they have done in...
  • Comey Defends Actions Against Trump [semi-satire]

    12/14/2018 6:36:32 PM PST · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 Dec 2018 | John Semmens
    Fired FBI Director James Comey followed up his amnesiac performance in his testimony before House Judiciary and Oversight committees with a bit of self-congratulatory boasting about his cleverness. "While I couldn't remember the answers to most of the questions the dim-witted Republicans were asking me, I do recall some of the high points of my covert efforts to save the nation from the misrule of Donald Trump," Comey said. "Publicly exonerating Secretary Clinton in July 2016 was probably the hardest punch I threw. By clearing her of all charges I neutralized a lot of the criticisms Trump and the Republicans...
  • DC Metro Track Inspectors Who Filed False Reports Reinstated [semi-satire]

    12/11/2018 8:20:06 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 Dec 2018 | John Semmens
    Two years ago 16 track inspectors and five supervisors for the Washington, DC Metro Rail system were fired for repeatedly filing false reports on track conditions. The Metro and Amalgamated Transit Union appealed these firings. An arbitrator hired to hear the appeal ordered all the fired individuals to be reinstated. The basis for the reinstatement decision was the arbitrator’s finding that “filing false reports was the normal practice in the track inspection program. Each inspection report was essentially an exact copy of the previous report filed for that section of track. No new measurements of deteriorated conditions were ever noted....
  • DNC Chair Blames Religion for Obstructing Socialism [semi-satire]

    12/10/2018 8:45:33 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 Dec 2018 | John Semmens
    Democratic National Committee (DNC) Chair Tom Perez blamed religion for “poisoning peoples’ minds against the promise of socialism. No matter what we do through the media to try to advertise the benefits of socialism 24/7, the one hour a week people spend in church every Sunday is undermining our efforts.” “The priest or pastor who is telling the congregation that being good and being charitable is a matter of personal responsibility directly contradicts the message of the Democratic Party,” Perez complained. “The notion of doing something because it is what God wants you to do dilutes the authority we have...
  • School Bans Candy Canes [semi-satire]

    12/09/2018 9:30:43 AM PST · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 Dec 2018 | John Semmens
    Another education bureaucracy abuse of power was demonstrated at the Manchester Elementary School in Omaha, Nebraska where principal Jennifer Sinclair announced a ban on candy canes. According to her, “the letter ‘j’ shape of the candy cane is an insidious attempt to inject religion into the school environment. Everyone knows that the ‘j’ stands for Jesus. We simply cannot permit such an egregious insult to all the non-Christian students at our school.” Candy canes aren’t the only items on the Principal’s forbidden list. Other banned items and activities include: Santas, elves, Christmas music, Christmas books, making an ornament to hang...
  • Epstein’s Settlement Boosts Clinton’s Spirits [semi-satire}

    12/08/2018 1:58:05 PM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 Dec 2018 | John Semmens
    Sexual predator Jeffrey Epstein’s settlement with a bevy of women who accused him of molestation when they they were under-aged teens is said to have buoyed former President Bill Clinton’s spirits. Under the settlement, in return for millions of dollars the accusers have agreed to accept a gag order barring disclosure of any details related to the molestation. “Jeff is a great guy and a generous host,” Clinton recalled. “We had some great times together at his island retreat. I’m glad to see he won’t be going to jail on a technicality. Thankfully, he had access to the kind of...
  • University Suspends Student for Gun Ownership [semi-satire]

    12/08/2018 6:25:33 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 Dec 2018 | John Semmens
    The University of North Texas is suspending Brandon Masin, a 25-year-old law student, alleging that he poses a danger. The accusation that led to the suspension was anonymous. Masin presented evidence indicating that witnesses would testify that he could not have been involved in the incident claimed by the unidentified accuser. University of North Texas Chief of Police Ed Reynolds pointed out that "Masin is the founder of the law school's chapter of The Federalist Society, a notorious right-wing political organization. Thankfully, it is the only right-wing extremist element on campus. On top of this, Mr. Masin admits to owning...
  • Ocasio-Cortez Vows to Get Revenge on Trump Jr. [semi-satire]

    12/07/2018 9:52:22 PM PST · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 Dec 2018 | John Semmens
    Newly elected Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-MY) vowed to "mete out sweet revenge" in response to Donald Trump Jr. sharing a meme predicting that if her socialist views are implemented Americans would end up eating their dogs. "He may think he's clever mocking me," Ocasio-Cortez said, "but in another month I'll have the subpoena power I need to make his life a living Hell. On the specific topic of eating dogs, though, Junior is overlooking the positive impact that would have on mitigating global warming. So really, the joke is on him." In related news, Google advised journalist John Stossel that...
  • Report: Mueller To Release Results Of Investigation Day Before 2020 Election

    12/06/2018 7:25:44 AM PST · by Jeff Chandler · 15 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | December 4th, 2018
    WASHINGTON, D.C.—On Tuesday, it was announced that Robert Mueller’s report regarding possible collusion between President Donald Trump and Russia will be made available the day before the 2020 presidential election. "My team has spoken with every person of interest, reviewed all the relevant information, and we will be finalizing the report over the next 699 days," Mueller stated during a televised interview with NBC’s Todd Foley following the announcement. When asked why the finalization process would take so long, Mueller’s eyes took on a distant look. He then began to smear white makeup across his face, and draw a crimson...
  • Congregation Erupts Into Violent Protests As Worship Band Tampers With Another Christmas Carol

    12/04/2018 10:04:00 AM PST · by Gamecock · 17 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 12/4/2018
    It's satire people! Full Title: Congregation Erupts Into Violent Protests As Worship Band Shamelessly Tampers With Yet Another Timeless Christmas Carol PERRY, MA—Violence broke out at Everlasting Savior Community Church in Perry last Sunday after, in an audacious show of nerve, the worship band messed with another classic Christmas song. Congregants were whipped into a frenzy during “O Come, O Come Emmanuel” when a new bridge was added to the already satisfactory song. “Rejoice with tidal waves of grace, oh Savior of the broken, pouring over me everlasting in a rushing mighty wave of love…” the new lyrics began. It...
  • Obama Claims Credit for U.S. Energy Boom Since He Left Office [semi-satire]

    12/03/2018 8:34:24 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 2 Dec 2018 | John Semmens
    Concerned that President Trump “might unjustly be credited with the country’s current energy boom” former President Obama hastened to point out to voters that “none of what we are seeing today would’ve been possible if not for the actions taken during my administration.” “For eight years my administration did everything it could to suppress energy production in the United States,” Obama pointed out. “We blocked coal production. We discouraged fracking. We denied drilling permits wherever we could. We prevented pipeline and refinery construction. When I left office, gasoline was nearly $4 per gallon. The energy sector was languishing under our...
  • School Bans Christmas Carols that Mention Jesus [semi-satire]

    12/02/2018 9:24:57 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 2 Dec 2018 | John Semmens
    The Robious Middle School in Midlothian, Virginia announced that any Christmas song that mentions Jesus will be prohibited from being sung or played during the holiday season. Principal Dr. Derek Wasnock explained that “since non-Christians might be offended by hearing Jesus’ name, the only way for us to be inclusive of all religions during the holiday season is to exclude any music that includes the words Jesus, Christ, savior, lord, or anything that we might have overlooked, but coulod be construed as offensive to non-christians.” The move was applauded by the school’s nine-member Students for a Muslim America Association. The...
  • CNN Cites ‘Oppression’ of Caravan as ‘Impeachable Offense’ [semi-satire]

    12/01/2018 11:21:10 AM PST · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 2 Dec 2018 | John Semmens
    According to CNN’s Jim Acosta, the revelation that persons in the United States illegally are entitled to more than $40,000 a year in federal benefits “casts a sinister light on the Trump Administration’s extraordinary efforts to block the Central American caravan’s efforts to claim these benefits for its members.” “Why would there be such a program if these immigrants weren’t entitled to this compensation?” Acosta asked. “Trump’s attempt to characterize those who are merely asserting their legal rights as an ‘invasion’ is a slander designed to conceal his government’s refusal to recognize and enforce these immigrants’ rights to this money.”...
  • Funniest Clip On The Site

    12/01/2018 9:53:23 AM PST · by knarf · 18 replies
    FB ^ | December 1, 2018 | Dan Voils
    THIS is just GREAT !
  • Liberals Talk Down to Blacks, Conservatives Don't [semi-satire]

    12/01/2018 8:17:42 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 2 Dec 2018 | John Semmens
    A study by Cydney Dupree, assistant professor of organizational behavior at the Yale School of Management, found that liberals talk down to blacks. The research found that Democratic candidates used fewer competence-related words in speeches to audiences consisting mostly of minorities than they did in speeches to mostly white audiences. "It was kind of an unpleasant surprise to see this subtle, but persistent effect," Dupree lamented. "Even if it's ultimately well-intentioned, it could be seen as patronizing." Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez defended the practice of talking down to minorities and cited his Party's recent success in taking back...