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Keyword: satire

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  • Klobuchar Admission Dims Hopes for VP Nod [semi-satire]

    05/24/2020 1:37:27 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 May 2020 | John Semmens
    Revelation that her husband recovered from COVID-19 with the aid of hydroxychloroquine has lowered Minnesota Sen. Amy Klobuchar's odds for snagging the spot as Biden's vice-president on the Democratic ticket for this year's election. CNN's Chris Cuomo called it "a likely coup de grâce for her. This is the drug touted by Trump. Every Democrat is expected to hold to the Party line view that it is dangerous and ineffective." Klobuchar has publicly adhered to the Party line, calling the drug "a menace" and mocked Trump's recent declaration that he has taken it as a preventive therapy. She sought to...
  • NYC Mayor Vows to Ban Fun on Memorial Day [semi-satire]

    05/23/2020 5:07:42 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 May 2020 | John Semmens
    A day at the beach at Coney Island has been a traditional start of summer for many New Yorkers for many decades. However, Mayor Bill de Blasio is determined to ensure that "this year will be different. I know a lot of our residents are itching to get outside into the sunshine. But I'm here to remind everyone that the pandemic is still with us. I will continue to dictate what is and isn't permitted until I decide whether it is safe to go outside." De Blasio was unmoved by evidence showing that the coronavirus is vulnerable to the ultraviolet...
  • Cuomo Blames Trump for Nursing Home Fiasco [semi-satire]

    05/23/2020 12:16:42 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 May 2020 | John Semmens
    Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) rebuffed criticism of his order requiring nursing homes to accept COVID-positive patients by blaming President Trump. The ordered cohabitation of infected and uninfected residents at these homes resulted in thousands of unnecessary and foreseeable deaths. “Yeah, I was the one who gave the order, but Trump did nothing to stop me,” Cuomo said. “He could’ve stepped in to countermand me, but he decided to allow each state to manage the pandemic in its own way. I know that Commissioner Zucker already admitted that the order was stupid, but isn’t overruling bad decisions made by state and...
  • Biden Says Blacks Who Don't Support him "Ain't Black" [semi-satire]

    05/23/2020 12:22:58 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 May 2020 | John Semmens
    In an interview on the "Breakfast Club" Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden told host Charlamagne Tha God that "if you have a problem figuring out whether you're for me or Trump, then you ain't black." Biden's statement was in response to Charlemagne's attempt to go over the originally allotted 20 minutes set aside for the interview by pleading "we've got more questions." While Biden's assertion that skin color determines political ideology reeks of racism, Fox News commentator, and former spokesperson for the State Department under President Barack Obama, Marie Harf insisted "it definitely was not racist. We all say things...
  • Revokes Genealogies Of African Americans Who Don't Support Biden (Satire)

    05/22/2020 7:28:17 PM PDT · by Impala64ssa · 2 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 5/21/20
    LEHI, UT—Popular for-profit genealogy company has revoked the family heritage of any African American who says they would not vote for Joe Biden. The company said they made the changes to reflect prevailing social beliefs about race and culture. "It used to be if your ancestors were from Africa and your skin was a darker pigment, then you were considered black," said Ancestry spokesperson Sheila Reinold. "Times have changed. What really determines a person's blackness now—beyond genes, DNA, family trees—is Joe Biden. Any other determiner of race is pure malarkey at this point." A frustrated customer, Brian Jennings...
  • Michigan Governor Issues Additional COVID19 Regulations (Satire)

    05/20/2020 8:17:20 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 4 replies
    5/21/20 | RetiredTexasVet
    Michigan Governor Wretched Gretchen Whitless issued additional COVID19 regulations relating to the dam failures and subsequent flooding. Under the new regulations residents affected by the flooding will be required to remain in their homes (Safer At Home) until the flood waters recede to prevent virus spread in the affected communities. Residents will be allowed to climb onto their residence roof provided that they adhere to strict social distancing. The Michigan National Guard will be air dropping MREs to the affected residents. If virus cases do not increase in two weeks, residents will be allowed to leave their residences. Residents departing...
  • NFL Minority Hire Competitive Edge Explained (Satire)

    05/19/2020 2:39:39 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 2 replies
    5/19/20 | RetiredTexasVet
    The NFL minority hire competitive edge rules change will change the sport dramatically. Before each game, each team will have its minority hire competitive edge points (MHCEP) determined. The team's MHCEPs will be compared and the difference will be awarded to the team with the largest MHCEP. For example: Team A MHCEP = 25, Team B MHCEP = 43, so Team B is awarded 18 points at the start of the game. (Team B = 18, Team A = 0) The number of points per position, the positions eligible for points and the specific minorities are contained in the MHCEP...
  • Clapper Says "Spying on Americans Is Routine" [semi-satire]

    05/18/2020 9:48:11 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 May 2020 | John Semmens
    Former Director of National Intelligence (DNI) James Clapper dismissed the hubbub over revelations that the intelligence community spied on the Trump campaign by asserting "Trump wasn't singled out as some sort of personal vendetta. Spying on Americans is routine. I estimate that more than 100,000 different American citizens were spied on during my tenure at DNI." "We live in a dangerous world," Clapper reminded. "Enemies abound—both foreign and domestic. Those of us entrusted with defending the government from these enemies must be ever vigilant. Tapping phone lines, bugging residences, secretly video taping people in their homes and work places, blackmail,...
  • Judge Fishing for Reason to Punish Flynn [semi-satire]

    05/17/2020 10:32:36 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 May 2020 | John Semmens
    Attorney General William Barr's decision to drop the "lying to the FBI" charges against Gen. Michael Flynn has infuriated Judge Emmett Sullivan. The Judge is now soliciting ideas from anyone who wants to suggest an alternate charge for which the General can be punished. Former Judge John Gleeson suggested that "Flynn should be charged with perjury for falsely pleading guilty to lying to the FBI. There is no evidence that Flynn committed any crime. Consequently, his admission of guilt is clearly perjury. Judge Sullivan should find him guilty of perjury and sentence him to prison." House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerrold...
  • Sheriff Too Busy Rearresting Criminals to Enforce Lockdown [semi-satire]

    05/16/2020 4:29:05 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 May 2020 | John Semmens
    Fresno County Sheriff Margaret Mims says her officers “are too busy repeatedly rearresting criminals released under the state’s zero-dollar bail policy. We haven’t the time, resources, or inclination to enforce the social-distancing orders issued by Gov. Newsom.” Newsom proclaimed himself “seriously peeved by the failure of Sheriff Mims and others to carry out my orders. These law-enforcement officers are not authorized to select which laws they will or won’t enforce. It isn’t their job to decide which offenses are more serious. That is the responsibility of higher officials. In 2018 the legislature passed and Gov. Brown signed the law that...
  • Employees Refuse to Return to Work [semi-satire]

    05/16/2020 7:21:00 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 May 2020 | John Semmens
    Melony Wagner, owner of the Charles Village Pub in Baltimore, reports that her effort to reopen are being impeded by employees refusing to return to work. "The unemployment benefits augmented by the federal stimulus money they're getting exceeds the amount they made in wages and tips before we were ordered to shutdown," she said. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) boasted that "this restaurant example vindicates what I've been saying for years. Unemployment compensation is a better source of income than jobs. This may be inconvenient for people like Ms. Wagner, but it is her own fault for trying to operate...
  • China Warns: "US Cannot Defeat Coronavirus" [semi-satire]

    05/16/2020 12:32:21 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 May 2020 | John Semmens
    The Chinese Government controlled Global Times mocked America's battle against the pandemic saying "the inability to dictate top-down solutions is frustrated by squeamishness to violate so-called individual rights like privacy and freedom of speech. This inherent weakness is why China will rise to dominate the world for the next 1,000 years." Gov. Jay Inslee (D-Wash) made a bid to rebut this assertion by pointing out that "I have established a surveillance protocol that will require private businesses to record the names and addresses of customers. This information will then be kept on file until needed. I have also set up...
  • Hillary Clinton Suggests That Americans Vote For President By Email

    05/13/2020 1:04:23 PM PDT · by DFG · 38 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 05/13/2020
    CHAPPAQUA, NY—Hillary Clinton has suggested that Americans vote for president via email, a controversial proposal that's nonetheless gaining some traction on the left. Clinton released her proposal to have Americans send in their votes via email and even offered to run the server herself. She said her server could handle up to 30,000 emails per second, more than enough bandwidth to run the national election. "I would be more than happy to provide a server that could handle all the email votes," Clinton said. "I'd guarantee no votes sent in by email would be lost. They'd be safe and secure....
  • Jill Biden To The Rescue (Satire)

    05/13/2020 1:29:44 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 4 replies
    5/13/20 | RetiredTexasVet
    Jill Biden has come to the rescue for the Trump-Biden national presidential debates this Fall. Slow Joe has been quarantined to the Biden basement because of the COVID19 virus and his inability to refrain from fondling, sniffing, and groping girls. Jill Biden will stand in for him at the debates. To retain the Slow Joe image, Jill will crouch down behind the podium and hold up and operate the official Slow Joe Sock Puppet. CNN and other fake news outlets providing moderators for the debates will provide the debate questions and suggested answers to Jill before the debate starts. The...
  • Campus Due Process Rule Denounced [semi-satire]

    05/12/2020 10:29:16 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 May 2020 | John Semmens
    Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos' effort to ensure due process in cases alleging sexual assault on university campuses sparked immediate criticism from presidential candidate former Vice-President Joe Biden. The Secretary's action seeks to both strengthen Title IX protections for survivors of sexual misconduct and to restore due process in campus proceedings. "We want to have a system where students can have confidence that justice will prevail," DeVos said. "This includes justice for victims and for those wrongfully accused. For a long time, many universities discouraged women from coming forward to lodge complaints. In more recent years, many universities have implemented...
  • Biden just announced that Meghan Markel will be his Vice-Presidential choice!!!!!!

    05/12/2020 6:11:19 AM PDT · by sodpoodle · 32 replies
    5/12/2020 | me
    OK - so Meghan is a US citizen. She is mixed-race. Has rich in-laws and stupid opinions. What else? Add your ideas
  • Charismatic Drive-In Service Requires All Cars To Have Hydraulics

    05/12/2020 1:24:49 AM PDT · by Norski · 9 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | May 11, 2020 | Staff
    FRESNO, CA—Windbreak Spirit Pentecostal Church announced last week that they would be holding drive-in Sunday services, but all participants will be required to have hydraulics installed on their cars. With the liberal use of hydraulics, Pentecostal drive-in services can have the same energy and wild jumping around that their normal, in-person services have. "In order to better facilitate a Spirit-filled worship time, all cars must be rollin' on phat hydraulics," said Pastor Vince Esperanza. "That way you can jump and sway along with the songs and make your car do crazy flips and stuff when the dope bridge hits." As...
  • SATIRE Former Obama Officials Tired of His Drunken, Late-Night Calls

    05/11/2020 8:35:51 PM PDT · by Kevin in California · 56 replies
    Hennessy's View ^ | 05/11/2020 | Bill Hennessy
    WASHINGTON — Members of the so-called “Obama Alumni Association” feel harassed and abused by the former president whose late-night, drunken conference calls have become annoying, frequent, and less coherent as time goes on. Hennessy’s View has learned that Obama began these occasional conference calls with a handful of former officials about six months after leaving office in 2017. Over time, the 44th president stopped following a semi-weekly schedule of planned calls. Instead, he began calling the team at random times, often late at night and, according to some, after he’d been drinking. “It was nice at first,” said one former...
  • 'Those Dumb Red-Staters Going To The Beach Deserve To Die,' Man Tweets From New York Subway Train [satire]

    05/11/2020 6:01:40 PM PDT · by grundle · 13 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | May 8, 2020
    NEW YORK, NY—“Those dumb red-staters going to the beach deserve to die!” Dan Robbins tweeted while packed in a subway train in New York City. Robbins was angered by images of people in red states going outside to enjoy themselves even while the virus still killed many Americans daily. There seems to be a partisan split in attitudes toward the pandemic, with red, less densely populated states not taking it as seriously as those from states that didn’t support Trump. Robbins had trouble composing the tweet, as he was elbow to elbow in the packed subway car. There had not...
  • Senators Concoct Plan to Worsen Economy [semi-satire]

    05/11/2020 2:53:39 PM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 May 2020 | John Semmens
    In the realization that the fear of the coronavirus that is keeping people from resuming normal life won't last forever, Sens. Kamala Harris (D-Calif), Bernie Sanders (I-Vt) and Ed Markey (D-Mass) are cosponsoring legislation that will pay everyone in America until the virus' impact on the economy subsides. Their bill is called the Monthly Economic Crisis Support Act and would provide a monthly $2,000 check to single individuals, $4,000 to married couples, and $2,000 for each child (up to a maximum of three per family). To be eligible, your income needs to be less than $120,000 per year. "The hope...