Free Republic

U.S. — Airline passengers of the world could finally breathe a sigh of relief, as all major airlines have introduced ejection seats for people who have loud conversations. According to representatives from Delta, Southwest, United, Spirit, Frontier, and Canada Air, all commercial aircraft were being retrofitted with ejection seats to get rid of irritating, inconsiderate jerks who have loud conversations when you're trying to sleep. "It's a huge step forward in customer satisfaction," said airline spokesman Bob Jet. "People love it. Just one syllable above a certain noise threshold, and — FWOOOSH — your irritating neighbor will be going...

GAZA — Day-to-day life in the terrorist occupied area of Gaza settled back into its normal pre-war routine, as with Israel's withdrawal to comply with the ceasefire agreement, Hamas was finally able to conduct public executions in peace. After two years of brutal conflict with Israeli forces, Hamas terrorists expressed relief that the peace deal brokered by President Donald Trump allowed them to get back to business as usual and handle the murdering Gazans themselves. "Like slipping into a comfortable pair of old shoes," said spokesterrorist Amal Qadir. "It's been a long time since we were able to enjoy...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson claimed in court today that all black people are mentally disabled, Justice Clarence Thomas gently informed her that it's actually just her. Not wanting to embarrass Jackson in front of the rest of the court, Justice Thomas waited until a brief recess to explain. "I don't know how to say this best, Ketanji, but not all black people are mentally disabled. It's just you," said Thomas. "You having an exceptionally low IQ has absolutely nothing to do with your skin color, Ketanji. You're just an idiot. I know this is hard for...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As President Trump continues brokering peace deals across the globe, Democrats warned that we are now further away from World War III than ever before. According to Senator Chuck Schumer, the distance between the world and a new global war is widening at an alarming rate. "If Trump isn't stopped, it's possible that we even might not see a humanity-threatening war in our children's lifetimes," Schumer told reporters, eyes wide in alarm. "Trump's peace-mongering puts our entire nation at risk of not being plunged into a nuclear holocaust. Someone must stop this madman, and soon." Noted...

In Euless, Texas, three Muslims have been charged vandalizing a church in 2023. One of them is Raunaq Alam who claimed that he was merely exercising his First Amendment rights. He pointed out that "the church had raised an Israeli flag they claimed was a show of solidarity with the victims of the October 7 massacre. My spray painting 'f*** Israel' and putting Hamas stickers on the outside of the building was my rebuttal. I admit that they may have considered my rebuttal offensive, but their message was offensive to my religion. Allah commands us to slay the Jews. October...

U.S. — According to sources, federal employees are eager for the government shutdown to end so they can go back to work and get some real rest. "Vacation is nice, but I'm always tired at the end of it and feel like I need a vacation from my vacation, you know?" said Dan Patrick, an auditor for the IRS. "I miss sleeping in my cubicle while doing nothing of note for the American people and collecting a big fat check." According to sources, all but the most essential federal employees have been sent home without pay as a result of...

STOCKHOLM — The ceasefire agreement between Israel and Hamas that was brokered by President Donald Trump had other unforeseen consequences, as sources reported hearing a sad Greta Thunberg ask if anyone else needed a flotilla. The climate change activist, who took up the Palestinian cause and led a fleet of seafaring vessels on a crusade to draw attention to the humanitarian crisis in Gaza, told those close to her that she now felt disappointed that her hopes for another flotilla expedition were no longer needed. "We're ready to set sail for any random cause," she reportedly said. "We were preparing...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As Americans across the country continued to carry on their day-to-day lives without any significant changes, Democrats vowed to keep the federal government shut down until someone notices. Sources on Capitol Hill said that, though congressional Democrats had grown frustrated by the fact that the country seemed to keep existing and flourishing despite the lack of involvement from the federal government, they remained committed to keeping the shutdown in effect until someone acknowledged it. "Sooner or later, it's bound to have some type of effect," House Minority Leader and government shutdown architect Hakeem Jeffries said. "I know...

Former member of the Virginia House of Delegates and current Democrat nominee for State Attorney General (AG) Jay Jones is facing widespread criticism for a 2022 text exchange with Delegate Carrie Coyner (R) in which he wrote "if I had two bullets and faced a choice between shooting then-House Speaker Todd Gilbert, Adolf Hitler, or Pol Pot, Gilbert gets two bullets to the head." Coyner called him back to express her dismay at his remarks, but was treated to Jones speculating that "if Gilbert's two little fascists were to die in their mother's arms perhaps that would be more effective....

This week, a Virginia Grand Jury indicted New York Attorney General Letitia James for mortgage fraud. Evidence included her signature on a mortgage loan document that asserted the property to be financed was to be her primary residence. The Jury found that the fact that James lives and works in New York and that the Virginia house could not possibly have been her primary residence sufficient for her to be put on trial for fraud. James denounced the indictment calling it "unfair political retribution directed at me by Trump. True, I did prosecute and convict Trump for mortgage fraud, but...

Venezuelan opposition leader María Corina Machado bested 337 other nominees to win this year's Nobel Peace prize. The Nobel Prize Committee stated "she is receiving the Nobel Peace Prize for her tireless work promoting democratic rights for the people of Venezuela, and for her struggle to achieve a just and peaceful transition from dictatorship to democracy." The 58-year-old Nobel Prize winner has been in hiding since August 2024, fearing for her safety after threats from supporters of the dictatorship led by President Nicolás Maduro. She has refused to leave the country even though the Maduro government has repeatedly threatened her...

Mayor Brandon Johnson issued an executive order "banning Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) officers from entering any city property to enforce federal laws against illegal immigration. This includes streets and parking lots. Further, City Police are instructed to ignore any 911 calls from ICE personnel being attacked by protesters." Gov. JB Pritzker hailed this "strong response to the federal invasion of Chicago and our state. In support of Mayor Johnson I have filed a lawsuit seeking a court injunction to prevent Trump from using National Guard troops to fight crime in our state. We going to use every lever at...

NEW YORK, NY — Sources said the indicted New York attorney general held out hope that she could ease her combative relationship with the president, as Letitia James attempted to smooth things over by sending Trump a heartfelt "Sorry I Maliciously Prosecuted You" card. Indicted on charges of bank fraud after spending the last two years prosecuting President Trump, James reportedly scrambled to perform some type of gesture that would thaw the ice between the two political enemies, eventually deciding that a greeting card was the perfect choice. "Dear Donald, my bad for trying to falsely imprison you," James wrote...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the peace agreement between Israel and Hamas tentatively settled, President Donald Trump reportedly set his sights on quelling the longstanding unrest between Yankees and Red Sox fans. "We're going to make a HISTORIC and TREMENDOUS deal that will unite these two fanbases and bring an end to this 3,000 YEAR CATASTROPHE," Trump said in a post to his Truth Social account. "THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!" Yankees and Red Sox fans have been caught up in an intense rivalry since ancient times, fueled primarily by their vastly different demographics. The largely blue-collar Bostonians...

OSLO — The Nobel Committee announced that it had officially chosen Greta Thunberg to receive the Nobel Peace Prize for her pivotal role in bringing an end to the war in Gaza. "Without her heroic and daring flotillas, this peace deal would never have happened," said Jørgen Biørgen, the Assistant to the Vice Chair on the committee. "She braved the waters of the Mediterranean armed with nothing but Instagram, a pallet of snacks, and 42 pounds of cannabis, all to bring salvation to Palestine and hold space for the oppressed brown bodies of Gaza. There has never been a...

President Trump may have finally achieved what many long thought impossible, as Israel and Hamas have agreed to the first phase of a peace agreement, but this ceasefire didn't come without conditions from Hamas. Here are 10 demands Hamas is making as part of the peace deal: 1. Israel must eliminate 100% of its Jews: This is a dealbreaker for Hamas. 2. New pagers: The last batch had some problems. 3. A new fleet of paragliders: They have assured everyone it's only for recreational purposes. 4. Goats. Lots of goats: They won't say why. 5. Super Bowl tickets: They're apparently...

SAN FRANCISCO - The National Guard has been called to California's Golden City to neutralize a 600-foot-tall Katie Porter, who is apparently rampaging her way through San Francisco. Porter, a frontrunner in California's gubernatorial race, reportedly began roaring and growing to an unusual size after a reporter asked her a question. "You didn't ask her a question, did you? Oh no! She hates that!" cried Mayor Daniel Lurie as the hulking monstrosity smashed a giant hole in the the Transatlantic tower. "There's no stopping her now! Run! Run for your lives!" "BLLAAAAWWWRRRGGHHHHH!" responded Porter before swallowing a cable car....

HELL — The founder of Islam expressed continued frustration with Democrats on Wednesday, calling them out for referring to Islam as a "religion of peace." "I literally created this religion by murdering people and threatening to murder people," said an exasperated Mohammed. "How do I not get any credit for all that violence? Sometimes, it almost feels like I killed all those people for nothing. It's so disheartening." Mohammed praised the continued work of his followers on earth, who have worked tirelessly to set the record straight. "My followers have continued murdering and raping tens of thousands of people every...

NEW YORK CITY — New York City mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani paraglided into his campaign event today in honor of October 7th and the horrific atrocities committed by Hamas that day. Mamdani chose to pilot the same sort of paraglider that Hamas used to commit mass rape and murder at a music festival, stating that it was the least he could do to extoll the glorious freedom fighters. "What a beautiful anniversary we are celebrating," said Mamdani as he strode from his paraglider to the podium. "Look around you at the New Yorkers wearing Hamas headbands, celebrating women and children...

ARLINGTON, VA — An embarrassed Jay Jones realized earlier this week that he was only supposed to support murdering kids before they were born, not after. Sources say that the Democrat AG candidate who fantasized about murdering Republican children over text was totally mortified to realize that he should have just been publicly supporting the murder of children in the womb instead. "That's my bad," said Jones, slapping his forehead in frustration. "I forgot that you can only want to kill kids before they pass the birth canal, not afterwards. Silly me. I deeply apologize for my texts wishing death...