Posted on 04/09/2002 12:30:58 PM PDT by let freedom sing
NEW LA Drivers Exam
For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.
GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:
Name:___________________ Stage name________________ Agent:___________________ Attorney:_____________________ Therapist name:_________________ Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ____both *If female, indicate breast implant size: _______ Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___
Please list brand of cell phone: ________. *If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:____________________
Please check hair color: Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead
Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply) [ ] Eating [ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee [ ] Applying make-up [ ] Shaving (male or female) [ ] Talking on the phone [ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs [ ] Tanning [X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience) [ ] Watching TV [ ] Reading Variety [ ] Surfing the net via laptop [ ] Discharging firearms / Reloading
Please indicate how many times a) you expect to shoot at other drivers _____ b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving _____
If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately: a) Call the police to report the crime. b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase. c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through. d) Call your therapist.
In the event of an earthquake, you should : a) stop your car b) keep driving and hope for the best. c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones. d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.
In the instance of rain, you should: a) never drive over 5 MPH. b) drive twice as fast as usual. c) you're not sure what "rain" is.
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ______.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications? a) Prozac b) Zovirax c) Lithium d) Zanax e) Valium f) Zoloft g) All of the above h) None of the above *If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute: a) Less than 1 hour b) 1 hour c) 2 hours d) 3 hours e) 4 hours or more * If less than 1 hour, please explain:____________________.
When stopped by police, you should: a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready. b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway. c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.
When turning, you should always signal your intentions by: a) using your directional signals. b) what is a "directional signal"?
Which part of your car will wear out most often? a) the wiper blades b) the belts c) the horn
The "bright" setting on your headlights is for: a) dark, poorly lit roads b) flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way c) revenge!
Your rear view mirror is for: a) watching for approaching cars b) watching for approaching police cars c) checking your hair
d) blinding oncoming traffic on two-lane roads.
When approaching the scene of an accident you should a) slow down to a near stop, b) look at the accident instead of the road, c) all of the above.
When on the right lane of the freeway and a car starts to merge from an onramp you should a) match speeds with the approaching car so it cannot merge b) honk and give them the finger -- this is my lane c) all of the above.
Hey, you're picking on us Californians! Not fair! I've read your posts before, you think you're a funny guy, don'cha? We've got a $17Billion deficit and we're gonna close the gap any way we choose. Paying a couple of tickets is not asking too much.
So, you're from Virginia. You know what the root of that is? Virgin. Ha, yeah, right. Well, we've got a few virgins in CA, so you can stop your bragging. Know what else we have? We have flies. But not like the ones you have. Your flies have their asses on fire- that's right- fireflies. Our flies don't buzz around with their asses on fire like yours do. I've been to Virginia and seen whole fields lit up by these poor bastards. So before you go criticizing CA, why don't you do something about these poor insects whose asses are on fire. Then you may have room to criticize others. < /cornpone>
Sense I got here I'm batting 1000. Guess the cops are'nt used to yes sir, no sir from the natives. Once was in a TransAm coming home from bars. I was'nt drunk, and the cop needed to make his closing time quota. Speeding/display of acceleration tickets would'nt do.
I spent a few years in la la land and was stopped four times by the CHP. All four times I was just told to slow down. Two times I was told I was doing 70 in a 55. One time it was 80 in a 55. And no, I wasn't in LE at the time.
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