You cannot spank me!
Posted on 04/12/2002 6:13:53 AM PDT by Tumbleweed_Connection
A new book that argues parents should avoid spanking their children and instead form emotional connections with the kids is re-igniting the debate over how best to raise children in modern-day America. One member of the American Academy of Pediatrics calls the book, A Better Childhood Without Discipline, "all theory," and insists, "Nothing could be further from the truth."
San Francisco-based clinical psychologist Dr. Theron Alexander explains his theory of "connectedness" in the new book.
"Where discipline can bring about only temporary obedience through the rules and threat of punishment, connectedness forms the basis for long-term results," Alexander said. "The absence of discipline does not imply a lack of caring and guidance.
"Rather, it is the creation of trust and a parent's belief in a child," he said. "This teaches the child that he or she can depend on the parent for support."
Alexander adds: "Connectedness does away with conflict in family life."
However, Dr. S. DuBose Ravenel, a pediatrician in High Point, N.C., and a member of American Academy of Pediatrics, serving on the AAP's section on developmental and behavioral pediatrics, scoffed at Alexander's assertions.
"A laugh is the best response," Ravenel said. "I think what he is expressing is all theory and nothing could be further from the truth."
Alexander holds that mental illness, including depression, is passed on from generation to generation, through parents' flawed notion that spanking their children is the best way to raise them.
"Mental illness has its conception in childhood and [the] relationship with the parents, and often the child's problems stem from the parent's problems," Alexander said. "As a result, much of mental illness beginning in the childhood is passed on from one generation to another.
"When children grow up, they establish families, and often say, 'well, this is the way I was raised, I will raise my children this way,'" Alexander said.
Spanking children as a means of discipline also sends mixed messages to kids about their relationship with their parents, Alexander insisted.
"The relationship with the child is damaged by conflict, and if you say to the child, 'I love you, I care for you ... and I'm going to hurt you,' this doesn't make any sense," said Alexander. "The child does not understand it. Discipline, punishment, rules and regulations all mean that there is lack of trust and confidence."
However, Ravenel said recent research has shown, "disciplinary spanking has not been found to be related to detrimental outcomes." He added, "parents who don't combine a high level of discipline, especially spankings, with a high level of nurturing have the worst outcomes.
"Research shows that what [Dr. Alexander] says is not true," Ravenel said. "Common sense clearly tells you the reverse of that."
Despite the traditional use of corporal punishment as a means of discipline, it is not now, and never has been useful, Alexander maintains.
"It's never been effective, and it's been harmful," Alexander said.
"I think [spanking] is harmful, and it teaches the wrong thing-that 'might makes right. If I am bigger than you are, I can beat you up. You need it,'" he said.
Ravenel countered that physical discipline actually creates closer bonds between parents and children.
"I would argue quite the reverse-what it teaches a child is the reverse of that," Ravenel said. "Children whose parents have displayed powerful love and powerful discipline are the children who have the highest level of trust and confidence in their parents."
Ravenel added that focusing on techniques of childrearing, such as spanking, is the wrong way to go about parenting. Instead, parents need to find a balance between affection and discipline by which to raise their children.
"I would submit that techniques are relatively unimportant compared to the importance of parents raising children with a proper balance of powerful love and powerful discipline," Ravenel said. "A parent finds they can employ powerful discipline and powerful love --they don't need to spank -- that's great.
"However, there is no evidence, none, that has been published that shows that appropriate parental use of spanking has been shown to cause any detrimental outcome," Ravenel said.
Since both parents work in many families, leaving them little time to spend with their children, a 'connectedness' approach to childrearing is more important now than ever, according to Alexander.
"Parents are spending less and less time with the children and often have turned to drugging the children to control their behavior," Alexander said. "They don't provide the time, affection and love the children need. There is a basic need for that -- a concerned, close, affectionate, trusting relationship with parents. And you can't do that by hurting, by control, by rules, regulations and threats," he said.
what does "avoid" mean? Saving it for exceptional misbehavior? Sure. remove it entirely from the pedagogical armementarium? Don't think so.
Kids are all different- some respond to gentle persuasion, others require a bit more vigorous intervention.
I agree. When an adult's hand "connects" with a misbehaving child's bottom, this is a good thing.
His dad was my doctor.
And this, my friends, is why the much of the Baby Boom generation grew up to be such self-absorbed spoiled brats, and damn near ruined this country - because their parents followed the rearing advice of one Dr. Spock, who spouted pretty much the same psychobabble.
I have a three year old daughter. When she needs it, she gets a spanking, it gets her attention real quick and she learns that she can't continue to do what she was doing wrong. Talking to her, or "connecting", as this fool wants, won't get through to her; she's only three. She doesn't have the capacity to rationalize like this idiot thinks she does. As a parent, I hate doing this - no one wants to cause their child pain. But a little sore bottom now can save the child and their family a lot of pain in the future. This guy is a moron, and most of my fellow Gen-X parents that I know are raising our kids in a totally different fashion than our parents - with rules, regulations, and discipline, because we know that to not discipline your child is to really not love them.
I still honor and adore my father and hope I can do half as well with my own kids.
I wonder if he even engages in the sort of sexual activity that produces children...
You cannot spank me!
I don't believe my wife and I ever spanked any of our children more than two or three times. In each instance it was at most a one-or-three swat thing, delivered on a well-diapered behind, and made more noise than anything else. But it startled them and got their attention pronto. We have powerful bonds with our kids. They are well-behaved, cheerful, well-adjusted, successful, and conservative.
But none of our children was stubborn or had a rebellious streak from birth. My wife and I are blessed for that. I know other parents who were not so fortunate. Discipline for such a child is a whole different ball game.
The fact is that "experts" like Ravenel are one major rason why people do not know how to be a parent. Americans have come to rely on these idiot "experts" for advice on how to raise children - big mistake! These "experts" don't know manure from apple butter; and now thanks to these expert psychologists, psychiatrists, sociologists (pseudo-sciences), as well as the juvenile justice system, television (as a baby sitter), and tyranical and amoral public schools, most Americans are no longer capable of being a good parent. They have abrogated their responsibilities. Today's parents were yesterday's mis-parented children! You can't pass on to your children what you don't have in the first place!
God designed adults with harder flattened areas full of nerve endings suitable for detecting exactly how much pressure is being applied to them.
The application of the adult area on the child area is the ideal form of child discipline. This is not an accident.
I have a 17 month old daughter (the most beautiful baby in Indiana) who is just starting to get swatted when she needs it. Do I enjoy it, no. Does it bother me, no. It's just how life is supposed to be. How else will she learn what is acceptable behvior?
I can instantly identify children who have never been disciplined. They are spoiled brats. Normally very loud, rude, and abusive to all around them. When older, normally trapped in a lifestyle of perversion, pregnant, or in prison. (Sometimes, but rarely, they wise up and become parents who spank their children because they realize that kids need discipline)
Bill Cosby has a theory which I share. All children are born with their brains in their behinds and you must warm that area to get their brains to rise with the heat up into their heads. (just kidding a little here, but you can look at almost any child and see they do some pretty stupid things. And then they'll explain why they did them by saying 'I don't know')
God Save America (Please)
Uhhh...say what? What's that scripture..."A brother is born for adversity."
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