Posted on 07/19/2005 10:07:43 AM PDT by RightWingReader
Former VP Al Gore's new television network, "Current," is about to launch. All the money has been raised, and Al has received a lucidity transplant and is almost back to normal. Al has dragged his chad covered self out of the basement of a Broward County Courthouse to give his new venture a shot. Hey, why not? The Internet thing worked out pretty good, didn't it?
Gore has said that his new network won't be partisan, as you can tell by the programming list.
Here's the schedule for opening day of Al Gore's network "Current":
5 a.m.: "Wake up with Carville" – James Carville, the political pitbull and man who has allowed America to assign a face to its jock-itch, gets his own show. At long last, thanks to 'Current', you can finally wake up with a guy like James Carville without a searing hangover and dramatically lower self-esteem.
6 a.m.: "OK, Rush Limbaugh Isn't That Fat Anymore, But He's Still An Idiot" – Al Franken switches from Air America to Current. Al's first guest is author Norman Mailer, whose hearing-aid battery is so bad that he responds to every question by looking at his watch and saying "about a quarter to seven".
7 a.m.: "Good Morning, Anti-America" – A different leftist Hollywood celebrity guest host each week provides spice to this program that will get your day started by blaming America for every ill on the planet. Week #1, join Sean Penn as he discusses his trips to Iraq, and is later joined by Bob Vila, who will help Sean construct a complete sentence.
9 a.m.: "Fishin' with Ted" – On the opening show, Sen. Kennedy discusses which spinner works best to hook an Oldsmobile, and special guest, Sen. Chris Dodd, helps Ted snag a waitress with a 40-pound test pickup line and three bottles of Chivas.
10 a.m.: "We Had To Give Phil Donohue A Two-Hour Show Or He Wouldn't Invest" – Phil takes calls from the show's viewer.
Noon: "Fries 'n Lies" – Michael Moore and columnist Molly Ivins discuss issues of the day over a vat of chili-cheese fries. On the first program, nothing is compromised (except perhaps the architectural integrity of the stage) as Ivins accuses President Bush of lying about WMD's in Iraq and complains about people who are always mistakenly trying to hire her to get poltergeists out of their homes, while the outspoken Moore takes a stand against undersalted fries.
12:30 p.m.: "Dope Operas" – Spend an afternoon with Current's political dramas, including "One Life to Tax", "The Borked and the Beautiful", and demagoguery rules the day on "The Guiding Fright".
4 p.m.: "'Current' After School Special – 'The Secret In Barney Frank's Apartment.'"
6 p.m.: Half-hour of continuous out-of-context tape loop of Newt Gingrich saying "Wither on the vine," Dan Rather insisting "the documents are real," and people talking about what they'd like to see happen to Karl Rove in prison.
6:30 p.m.: – 'Current' Evening News with Dan Rather.
7 p.m.: "What a Dick!" – Rep. Dick Durbin stars. In the first episode, Dick scares the elderly by telling them the Republican Social Security plan includes sending them to Gitmo. Watch, and you too will join the rest of the country in saying, "What a Dick!"
8 p.m.: "Who Wants To Be An Ex-Millionaire?" In-depth profiles of investors in GoreTV. In episode #1, chief fundraiser for GoreTV, Joel Hyatt, discovers investors' portfolios have sunk so far that he's forced to use his last thousand dollars to rent a bathysphere to go down and find them.
9 p.m.: "War Stories with John Kerry" - Attempting to siphon some of the audience from FOX TV's "War Stories with Oliver North," John Kerry's show will highlight his valiant and heroic battles against the Swift Boat vets.
10 p.m.: "C.S.I.: DNC" – Episode 1: A forensics team struggles to uncover the mystery behind what killed the Democrat Party.
11 p.m.: "I am too President!" – Al Gore helps satisfy America's hunger for reality television, allowing cameras to follow him around his house. Episode #1: Still in denial, Al has a "cabinet meeting" with two potted plants and a bottle of Old Spice, then holds a State Dinner for an Irish setter.
11:35 p.m.: "Late Movie: The ThornByrds, Part I" – The story begins in the early 1930s, when a member of the Ku Klux Klan and future United States senator falls in love with an African-American woman, engulfing him in an emotional personal struggle as he's faced with choosing between his forbidden fruit, and his cross-burning gool-ol'-boy pals. Will he choose head sheets, or bed sheets?
2 a.m.: "Robbins & Sarandon Overnight" – Join Tim and Susan as their synapses misfire like the original spark plugs on a '71 Buick Skylark. When these two put their heads together, it creates a vacuum that makes even the most powerful Hoover green with suck-envy.
4:30 a.m.: Test pattern. Join Current's highest-rated program, soon to be expanded to all time periods.
It'll be a big flop like Airhead America
ROFLMAO!
ROTFL!!!
LOL, remedial typing with Howard Dean.
"YeeeeaaaararrgH!"
Ted Kennedy doing Oldsmobile commercials/
Bill Clinton selling condoms, KY, cigars, laundry aids for removing spots on dresses...
LOL!
*In Bubba Clinton voice*
"That's why I use the Clorox bleach pen, for those on the go stains you have to make vanish quick."
"Doctor Ruth and Bubba Clinton give relationship advice, next on Jerry Springer."
Pop up thunderstorms in my area.
*UGH!*
Logging out, or is the lightning not close yet?
"Hi Senator Kerry. About the question of Social Security and personal accounts; Why won't you release your 180 form to the general public?"
"Senator Kennedy? Long time listener. In your opinion, are the prisoners in Guantanamo getting better treatment than MaryJo got in the back of your Oldsmobile?"
"VP Gore? When you said 'count every vote', why did you instruct your lawyers to discount the votes of our military? And are you taking any medication for those emothional outbursts?"
Not sure, depends upon whether or not it gets closer.
Of course, storms have been over 15 miles away and we've still gotten power taken out.
I'll sit tight for a bit, but if I disappear, it's likely due to the storm having gotten closer.
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