Posted on 12/23/2008 5:37:03 PM PST by Lizavetta
The Annual Christmas Letter: What They're Not Telling You
For the past few Decembers, I've tried my hand at composing and mass-mailing perky letters full of my year's highlights, but I've grown tired of the "brag letter" and "best-of" letter format. So this year, I decided not to write one. Christmas letters have escalated into a competition sport to see who's children are enrolled in the most lessons, who went on the most exotic vacation, or which mother has managed to develop the most impressive talent in her spare time.
For example, I received a Christmas letter from an over-achieving Super-Mom that listed her family's achievements over the past year, adding to the previous year's glories. Her bragging-yet-humble tone made me roll my eyes with disbelief. The letter reads something like this:
Christmas greetings! Let me tell you some of the exciting achievements of my darling family. Winston, our genius 6-year-old, is developing far ahead of your children. His favorite bedtime story is currently War and Peace, and he loves to discuss Eastern Philosophy over his afternoon snack. After learning and mastering the piano last year, he's moved on to a new challenge: conducting the Utah Symphony with Keith Lockhart We're so proud of him! But we don't push him! Heavens no! We simply guide his interests while gently reassuring him that if he doesn't get into Julliard by age 12, we'll disown him.
We haven't neglected our second born, Charles Mayhew, now six months old. He's learned sign language while breastfeeding, so he can communicate his wishes such as, "I'm done", "more milk," and "Mom, you need more folic acid in you diet."
I'm a very busy as a mother of two child prodigies, but I still find time to be PTA President, the Science Fair Chairman, and a spelling bee judge (in which Winston took first place, again... where am I going to put all of his trophies?). I also play the harp, sing with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, and bake six dozen cookies every day for homeless shelters.
Our many exciting vacations this year included Disneyland, Disneyworld, and Disney Europe. My husband Darren's executive-level job with a Fortune 500 company also took us on a Carribean cruise. Despite eating all that delicious food at every buffet, I actually came home 10 pounds thinner! Darren continues to work hard and make valuable contacts all over the world, and his 401k account is doing great, even though the rest of America has lost most of their retirement savings in the recession.
We hope you holidays are almost as perfect as ours, and we hope we've given you something to shoot for.
Merry Christmas and a Prosperous New Year,
Sheryl Snoots
The thing about Christmas letters is, they only give you one side of the story: the polished-up, spit-shined, happy version of life. Nobody sends out a downer Christmas letter with an accumulation of the year's bad news- "I'm getting divorced, the dog died, I have colon cancer"-- that sort of news.
So, in an effort to cheer up all of us average shmoes whose lives can't possibly measure up to those over-achievers out there, I (humbly) offer what I imagine to be the other half of the story, or, in other words, what Mrs. Snoots isn't telling you:
Merry Christmas to friends and family that I don't make an effort to see the rest of the year. This year has been the worst yet. In case you haven't heard it from my hair stylist or my gossiping neighbors, I thought I'd let everyone know: I'm barren. That's right, no more Fertile Myrtle. So I'm taking prescription drugs to stave off deep depression.
My 6-year-old son Winston, despite expensive therapy, still wets the bed, sucks his thumb and washes his hands forty times a day. I'm still suffering post-partum depression after the birth of Charles "Mayhem". The doctor says the drugs in my breast milk probably won't have any long-term effects on him.
As for my husband Darren, he finds excuses to go on more and more "business trips." (Does anyone know a good private investigator?) The IRS is also investigating him for tax fraud. We could lose our house by next Christmas.
As for me, I'm so busy trying to keep up appearances and make hand-made, Martha Stewart-type gifts to give to neighbors whom I hardly speak to, that my hair is going gray. I also got an intestinal tapeworm from our Carribean cruise. Oh, and did I mention my other secret for staying so thin? I'm bulemic.
Hope your holidays can keep up a brave facade that doesn't send you running screaming into the streets!
Yours,
Etc, etc.
On second thought, maybe I should send out some sort of Christmas letter this year so people don't assume the worst and think the fact that I have no news worthy of reporting must mean I've had a really, really horrible year.
The most WONderful Christmas letter I ever received (where every WONderful member of the family was engaged in WONderful activites) was followed the next year by a simple Christmas postcard: picture of mom, kids, no husband. That was her way of announcing the divorce.
Wow, that’s grim.
Hubby has three wonderful aunts who we do send a letter to; along w/school pictures, etc. I always laugh when I get the 'this is how wonderful we are letters' each season...
Mrs. Griswald (PaMom)
Funny, because it’s true. I got a Christmas letter from relatives that say they are now “totally green!”. They both bought hybrids this year. They don’t mention their 3000sq/ft house that’s lite up like a Christmas tree all year long.
Oh yea, she’s a school teacher.
We got ours. The father is, of course, the most accomplished attorney in the universe. The mother, despite the real estate market, has sold billions. The two sons are the smartest kids in college, ever. They do all this while traveling the word.
I get a kick out of getting them. I just sit back and wait for the other shoe to drop.
You'd not believe what nonsense these people write about and in such a smug elitist tone. A few of the ones he read this year included people falling all over themselves in regard to Obama and how stupid Sarah Palin is.
” Little Johnie is still working hard at screenwriting and won't let 30 years of rejection letters deter him, sally sue is very busy saving the world with her life partner Bonnie Butch, we vacationed in ( insert hyper hip location here ), blah, blah, blah.
I sit there in a stupor listening to Howie read these letters - they are truly unreal. One would think they were the creation of a gifted satirist yet, one and all are real.
Pretty sad.
Wow......that is funny!
I have a relative who usually picks one of her kids to dump on in the Chritmas letter....she has learned NOT to send them to her own children. This year one of them got a divorce and there was a paragraph about the offending ex-SIL and his various sins. He is one bad boy. She makes no pretense of the perfect family...ya gotta love it.
Well, I have to say I really enjoy these letters, whether bragging or not.
I just kind of ignore the bragging and focus on the happy side of life everyone is showing. I like to find out what all these (sort of former) friends and distant relatives are up to.
My husband, on the other hand, just hates them and doesn’t read them.
I do send a short one but I try to keep it funny and non-bragging.
I guess I am in a minority, I really enjoy getting updates from friends and family, especially those who are far away. Oh, Bill joined boy scouts, Tim broke his arm, Joe decided to enter the Navy? I think it’s interesting.
But all the negativity about these letters has actually made me start writing them. I am afraid the recipients make fun of us or something.
There should be a filter for these things. Seven or more status markers and the Christmas card gets automatically shredded.
A few years ago, my wife toyed with the idea of sending this type of family newsletter to friends as a Christmas greeting.
Since I usually do all of the writing for her, she asked me to compose the newsletter. I wrote one similar to the second letter.
IIRC, my 14 year-old was in rehab and our baby was taken away by the state; I was getting back into the meth business and the wife was offering herself over the internet for shots of tequila.
She got the idea.
We're talking about bragging, boasting, and showing off.
Can't you see the difference?
The front says:
Recently the History Channel asked a hand picked team of biblical scholars and archeologist from around the world to replicate as closely as possible the scene in Bethlehem all those many years ago. Based on all aavailable oral and written history, combined with certain recent findings in a nearby archeological dig, the team came up with the following depiction.
Please enjoy
Inside is a photograph he took while doing his daily run in Lafayette LA. I can't post it, but it is truly a cheesy scene of the manger, with cheap statues of the principle characters, surrounded with a string of lights made up of alternating heads of a snowman and Santa Claus on one foot poles surrounding the scene.
On the back of the card, it says in small print
Concept, Copy, and photography by (my son's name)
Layout and design by (His friends's name)
Yard Art by Drunken Redneck in Louisiana.
________________Well---I thought it was funny anyway--y'all might not!
My husband does our Christmas cards and we got a record crop in the mail this year. He writes a personal note on each card, but I did finally get him to put the addresses on the computer so he doesn’t have to hand write them all. When you write the personal notes, you would not believe how many write one back to you.
I was especially touched this year when our neighbor whose husband had a heart attack wrote a thank you to my husband for mowing their lawn last summer. Little things like that mean more to me than a computer generated letter bragging about the kids.
I really like getting pictures....two this year showed their sons in military attire....I will remember to pray for them during the year and keep their pictures handy.
Howie Carr’s annual Christmas card reading, from today’s show:
http://audio.wrko.com/m/audio/21708797/howies_annual_christmas_card_reading.htm
My husband and I played with that idea once, of writing something sarcastic and hilarious, but we never did.
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