Posted on 04/08/2011 5:59:12 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Anyway, here’s what to expect from a government shutdown:
* All legislators will now have to find real jobs, but there are few places that consider voting yes and no on lots of stuff as qualifying experience — and certainly they won’t be $200,000 a year for that.
* If you were dependent on any sort of welfare from the federal government, you’re probably gonna die. Sorry!
* With no federal government, there won’t be any enforced rules of engagement for troops overseas. In fact, you guys are just basically wandering ronin now. So if you see someone you think needs a killin’, just go ahead and shoot him.
* Obama will end up on the side of the road with a sign saying, “Will make impotent proclamations for food.”
* Federal prisons will shut down and all the prisoners will escape. They’ll probably have an easier time finding gainful employment than the legislators.
* U.S. currency will no longer be supported, so you’ll need to get your money in something that will last the government shutdown such as Facebook credits.
* Without the federal government, each state will now become an independent country. If your state wants to invade Kentucky and steal all its gold, you better be quick about it because I bet a lot of other states have the same idea.
* Without a big federal government to push everyone around, liberals won’t know what to do with themselves and will all die off during the winter. Too bad winter is about over so it will be a while until that happens.
* There will be no federal enforcement of borders, so it will be up to the states now without any outside interference. That means you can finally build that fence to keep Californians out.
* The U.S. Postal service will shutdown, which means you’ll only be able to use Netflix instant streaming as they’ll no longer be able to get you DVDs. If the post office shutting down affects you in any other way, then come on; get with this century, people.
* You know that guy who always yells at you when you try to climb the statue of Abraham Lincoln, well he ain’t gonna be there no more so no one is going to stop me!
Some people will then plot on how to get the federal government running again, but I think that’s pretty wrong-headed. Eventually, we should adjust just fine to no federal government and probably be better off in the long run. A federal government seemed like an interesting idea, but it was just unworkable. Well, let’s just dust off those Articles of Confederation and give those a try again.
So who has a truck and can help me steal a T-Rex from the Smithsonian?
Why let bickering politicians be the only ones to control the government? You’ve got gripes, too! Now you can get your own Government Shutdown Switch and issue your own threats. The Government Shutdown Switch connects easily to the Washington power grid online from anywhere, and controls the entire Federal government – including Congress, the Senate, the White House, and all Federal agencies. Simply throw the switch until you hear a click, and all government activity will come to an immediate stop. That includes all Federal funding – even previously unstoppable entitlement programs like Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid, as well as all military spending. You’ll have the government right where you want it! Congress, the Senate and the President will do anything to see that your demands are met – like better mail service, more Federal holidays, lower taxes, and straightening out that property dispute with your screwy neighbor – just to get the government running again. You’ll have the upper hand – because you’ll still have your Government Shutdown Switch, and can pull the same stunt over and over!
Government Shutdown Switch, $199.95
1.Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just pretty
much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal
your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be
promoted.
5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark
side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving .
20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Jeff Foxworthy........
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
You may be a Muslim
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes..
You may be a Muslim
3. You have more wives than teeth.
You may be a Muslim
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
You may be a Muslim
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim
6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.
You may be a Muslim
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You may be a Muslim
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You may be a Muslim
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
You may be a Muslim
10. Your cousin is president of the United States .
You may be a Muslim
11. You find this offensive or racist and don’t forward it.
You may be a Muslim
I found this shocking picture. It's a picture of the world's largest hand!!!
Then you should like this one, Shopping in Texas
http://youtu.be/uaZMQ_B5DA4
An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday
by staying overnight in one of London’s most expensive hotels.
When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.
She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high.
“It’s a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren’t worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop
without even breakfast.”
The clerk told her that £250.00 is the ‘standard rate’ so she insisted on speaking
to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced:
“The hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which
are available for use.”
‘But I didn’t use them,” she said.
‘’Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows
for which the hotel is famous.
“We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here,”
the Manager said.
“But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said.
“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied..
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, “But I didn’t use it!”
The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to
the Manager.
The Manager was surprised whenhe looked at the cheque.
“But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00.”’
‘That’s absolutely correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.
“But I didn’t ! “ exclaims the very surprised Manager.
“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”
I recently asked my friends’ little girl what she wanted to be when she grows
up. She said she wanted to be President of the United States.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there. So I asked
her, “If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?”
She replied, “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.”
Her parents proudly beamed.
“Wow...what a worthy goal,” I told her. “But you
don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. Tell you what - you can come
over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I’ll pay
you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy
and give it to him so he can buy groceries and have money to save towards buying a new house. How about doing something wonderful like that?”
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye
and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and
you can just pay him the $50?”
I said, “Welcome to the Republican Party.”
Her parents still aren’t speaking to me.
Oh, that’ll buff right out.
X-Men Hangover.
X-Men Hangover.
ack server fart
I love the name of the website on that photo. I know if I went there I would waste ANOTHER hour of work.
Trying . . . not . . . to . . click . .
Those are great. My favorites:
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front - - Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
Oh, that's what they always say.
I made the mistake of having my brakes done in Korea the day before Chu-sok holidays began. Half of one brake shoe came unbolted and the shoe flipped around. I had to use my parking brake to stop through half the city of Seoul.
Being a mechanic has saved me a lot of worries and money. I do the brakes and a lot of other things on our vehicles. I quit changing oil, since I had trouble finding a station that would take the used oil.
Birth certificate! BIRTH CERTIFICATE!!
here, I'll show you a birth certificate.
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