Posted on 11/10/2011 9:50:19 AM PST by Feline_AIDS
Short version: What's the tactful way to tell a friend she's marrying a loser, and should I bother?
Long version: A friend of mine, who is nominally a conservative Christian, is engaged to her liberal Muslim boyfriend of two years. At many points along the way, I dropped subtle hints about how unwise it is for a Christian to marry a non-Christian. I'm not sure why she started dating him in the first place, but I have three guesses from observing the relationship from the beginning. 1) He pursued her relentlessly. 2) He's more masculine than most of the other guys in her graduate program. 3) She desperately wants to be married and have kids.
Her family has objected to the relationship since day 1, and I've never been supportive either. I think everyone thought she would realize what a terrible idea he was and ditch him. Unfortunately, she's also pretty depressed and not receiving treatment. The depression started when they started dating.
This guy is the definition of a loser. He's been in a graduate program for the better part of a decade, has yet to even finish the first major milestone in that degree, and the end is nowhere in sight. They both are racking up debt like nobody's business, too. He can and does pontificate on liberal talking points and Islamic apologetics. He has few friends because he is an insufferable loud-talker who must always be right.
She basically broke her father's heart when she started dating this guy, so becoming engaged must have just ripped her old man's heart right out of his chest. I'm pretty sure that once they get married, the Muslim will want to move away from her family, because I can't imagine him hanging around where he's disliked.
He's the kind of Muslim who feels allegiance to Islam over his American citizenship in a political, principled way that has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with "identity." In my mind, he's the kind of guy who would radicalize because of some "injustice" somewhere, try to force his wife to convert, and saw her head off with a dull knife if she protested. The closest I ever came to telling her to run, not walk, away from this guy was when I said I worried he'd turn her into a liberal or Muslim, which she assured me would never be the case.
So how do I tell my friend that she should ditch this guy, go see a therapist or doctor, punch herself in the face for ever entertaining such a stupid idea as marrying this fool, and then for the rest of her life listen to her parents when they disapprove of a big life decision she's making, because they're probably right? I don't think any of her other friends have ever said anything negative or cautionary about this guy.
Pros of saying something:
-Friend might not go through a terrible divorce or
-Friend might not go through a terrible beheading
-Clear conscience
-It's the right thing to do, I think
Cons:
-Will likely worsen her depression
-Will certainly complicate if not ruin our friendship
She is headed for disaster if she does this. It’s very troubling that her depression started when they began dating.
Have her read about Betty Mahmoody—she married an Iranian and went to Iran for a visit—but then she and her daughter were kept there against their will. She had to escape.
When your entire family and all your friends are against something, it speaks volumes. She’s in a very dangerous situation.
[ Offer her a place to hide when it goes wrong. ]
About all you can do in this case.
Some people will never learn until they get a few hard knocks from life and even then they cannot.
I got a better story than this.
My very liberal next door neighbor’s 22 year old daughter met Muslim boy in Cairo when there on a foreign study program. He wrote her that he needs to get married to avoid the draft. She agreed. She flew to Cairo, got married and came home. He will follow when he gets papers to come to the US.
She came to my daughter’s Halloween party in a burka which she wears to be “close” to her husband. My daughter was petrified that one of her friends would make a terrorist comment but none did.
When the parents are asked how they feel, they make helpless gestures. What can we do?
I predict this marriage won’t end well.
Oh, and I would definitely end the friendship with her for your own safety. The last thing you need is this guy in your life. He sounds dangerous.
Your friend has chosen this path. Don’t put yourself in danger.
I am unmarried and I was never THAT desperate!!
Re: Not Without my Daughter—my thoughts exactly.
And Feline Aids—you might consider showing her this thread, as well.
Trap her in a group meeting with family and friends. Hammer into her head that if she wants to jump off a cliff you will not be there to catch her.
If she was to have children with him, they will be Muslim and he will steal them away from her and return to his country.
That movie is based on a TRUE story, she finally did get her daughter back after she hired some men to do the job.
It appears to me that the Muslims, want to assimilate into the American society, and what better way to do that than by marrying an American girl, have the mixed race children, educate them in Islam and return them to America to do damage.
Remember Obama is the same, white mother who he hates, and his loyalty is to his father and islam.
Get her to watch the movie “Not Without My Daughter”
"Honor" killings are becoming a big problem in Canada.
Not long ago there were four women killed--three daughters and the mother--by the dad and son, because they girls dressed like typical Canadian girls. They were in a car that was pushed into a canal and they all drowned.
Kind of like an intervention. Actually that might be the best idea, facing a group of people all at the same time, who have a shared agenda for the meeting.
I suspect he's deliberately taking a long time, if he's taking on deferred student loan debt. Have fun with being a grad student for as long as possible, then return to Burp-istan when the game's over and blow off the student loans, taking your friend with him.
Once your friend has arrived in a Muslim country as his wife, she can kiss her freedom goodbye. He will own her.
My niece married and now divorced from a Jehovah’s witness. What a disaster that turned out to be.
Exactly. I’s tell the OP the following...
One person cannot save another from themself and trying in this case will only lead to your own grief. It’s the same as women marrying a man and thinking they will ‘fix’ them... Ain’t gonna happen. Cut ties and wish her well because she’s lost to you already.
So... which country is this guy from?
Have her watch the film/read the book Not Without My Daughter.
#2: Provide links to stories about Muslim men in America killing their wives and children, especially daughters who want to be more "westernized".
#3: What will she do if he takes their children to a muslim country to live?
#4: Tell her she's already in his thrall because she won't end the relationship now; marriage will make the commitment worse and he WILL make her become a muslim.
#5: Her depression will worsen when she realizes no one in her family and no friends will want to keep company with her OR he will isolate her from her family and friends.
If you are a true friend, tell her things directly, don't beat around the bush.
Your friend might have deeper things going on that what you or we think we think.
She might be contemplating giving the world the 12th imam (or whatever he's called)
Not the kind of friend you need. If she cannot understand how you are trying to help her and prevent her from possibly committing suicide, being with a Muslim can be suicide.
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