Posted on 09/28/2014 11:13:05 AM PDT by Windflier
Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey and was roped into judging a chili contest:
"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas, and was asked to fill in to be a judge at their annual Texas Chili Cook-Off. Apparently the original judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and I just happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy Crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off three people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. ***** is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like brown goo to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell & pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
Beat me to it.
My kids loved them even when they were in grade school.
"Ceterum censeo 0bama esse delendam."
Garde la Foi, mes amis! Nous nous sommes les sauveurs de la République! Maintenant et Toujours!
(Keep the Faith, my friends! We are the saviors of the Republic! Now and Forever!)
LonePalm, le Républicain du verre cassé (The Broken Glass Republican)
First time I've seen it, and I probably laughed as hard as you did. Glad it brought a chuckle to you again :-)
That recipe sounds delicious, but you'll be hearing from some Texan about those Chinese chilis any minute now! LOL
Hey wimps. Tex-Mex has way too much tomatos (tomatoes) in it. Try some of our medium chili here in New Mexico if you can take it. But this was absolutely funny as all get out.
Years ago we had some techs in from California to check on our computer here in Albuquerque. I asked them what type of restaurant they wanted for lunch. MEXICAN they said over and over. I asked if they knew how hot it could be. They said “of course, we’re from California”. So we walked to a local restaurant here in downtown. I still remember both of them putting the first bite in their mouths. Their eyes got big and the sweat just popped out on their foreheads. I will give them credit. They did eat it and during the next week we went back a couple of times at their request.
Incidentally it was the medium version.
Thanks for the memory.
Chicken in the chili????
Can we discuss...I always thought that in Texas chile..beans are verboten..
Beans?
Chili?
Wrong state.
This is one of the funniest things ever written: "A Fruitcake is forever"
Chef is on a chain gang....gotta use what’s available.
What-—Texans don’t like Chinese food?
Does competition chili use beans now?
Back in the day it was considered bad form to include beans.
Mr. & Mrs. Tenorman. /South Park
GEORGIA CHAIN GANG CHILI
Chili Pequin is the pepper of choice in the southern half of Texas. Much hotter than Jalapeño, about an order of magnitude on the Scoville scale. Really, up to 40x if grown in alkali soil.
You lost me at the chicken though... Beef, maybe pork and definitely game meat, but not chicken... Sounds as bad as white BBQ sauce... ;^)
I remember living in Houston (so, in other words, not real Texas) during the Urban Cowboy craze, when every cook-off and restaurant had jalapeno-eating contests. Jalapenos.
Soon, contestants were eating an obscene number of jalapenos, so the promoters put in the fix. They added one habanero to the mix. One.
Today, people know about Scoville Units and seek after ghost peppers and more. We've come a long way.
Chili?
Wrong state.
Yep, beans would get you thrown out of the competition... And don't get me started about Kaliforicate vegan chili...
“And don’t get me started about Kaliforicate vegan chili... “
—
That would be right up there with pineapple pizza IMHO.
.
Oldie but a goodie.
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