Posted on 04/24/2015 5:51:54 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
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Oh my! That can’t be real.
RIP Paul Walker
Two policemen (Constables Ken and Bob) call the station on the radio.
“Hello. Is that the Sarge?”
“Yes?”
“We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.”
“Have you arrested the woman?”
“No sir. The floor is still wet.”
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a lookout crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”, not a single one could shout “Truck.”
Hahaha... That reminds me of a traffic incident I had a few years ago. Some 18 yearold suburban white slim-shady lookalike wannabe gangster cut me off switching lanes in his riced-out honda that daddy bought for him.
I honked at him and that was the end of it (or so I thought)
At the next red light the little guy, all of 125lbs, got out of his car... sideways hat... pants fastened around his thighs... and threw his hands up and walked back toward my car.
Of course, I am too old and had my last fight years ago. I calmly rolled down my window. As he walked up to my truck... hands giving weird ‘come at me’ gestures... he finally got close enough to see the S&W model 29 .44magnum sitting in my lap.
I said “What can I do for you?”
He said “Nah brah we cool” (or some type of white gangster ebonics that I don’t fully understand)
Hopefully he’ll think twice before walking up on someones car next time.
Given the week I’ve had, I’ve felt like I’ve been wearing that exact shirt.
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Bubba: This here's Bubba. I wuz out here huntin' with my friend Buford and I shot him and I think he's dead. I'm so upset. He was such a good friend. WHAT DO I DO???
9-1-1 Operator: OK, Mr. Bubba. I can hear you're upset. Just relax and I'll help you through this. Now, the first thing is we have to be absolutely sure your friend is dead.
Bubba: OK. Hang on.
BANG!
Bubba: OK. What's next?
IN!
The following questions were in last year’s GED examination (These are genuine answers):
Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. (I love this one!)
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the
abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (WT?)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
(That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome .
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
LOL! I needed that, for sure! Thanks!
I believe the term for guys like that is "wigger" or "whigger" (as in white n-word).
I'm not sure what the PC term is (Whegroes? Un-African-Americans?).
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