EXERCISE FOR SENIOR CITIZENS
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags . Then try 50-lb potato bagsand eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
(I’m at this level !).
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag......
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My Mommy The Dancer..., a real tear jerker
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their mothers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up — teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his mother, he replied, “Well my mother’s an exotic dancer in a cabaret and takes off all her clothes in front of men and they put money in her under-
wear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.”
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your mother?”
No,” the boy said, “She works for the democratic National Committee and is campaigning for Hillary Clinton , but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.”
Silliness to Everyone and Have a Great Weekend!!!!
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Two policemen (Constables Ken and Bob) call the station on the radio.
“Hello. Is that the Sarge?”
“Yes?”
“We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.”
“Have you arrested the woman?”
“No sir. The floor is still wet.”
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a lookout crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”, not a single one could shout “Truck.”
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Bubba: This here's Bubba. I wuz out here huntin' with my friend Buford and I shot him and I think he's dead. I'm so upset. He was such a good friend. WHAT DO I DO???
9-1-1 Operator: OK, Mr. Bubba. I can hear you're upset. Just relax and I'll help you through this. Now, the first thing is we have to be absolutely sure your friend is dead.
Bubba: OK. Hang on.
BANG!
Bubba: OK. What's next?
IN!