Happy 4th of July FReepers
Posted on 07/03/2015 9:11:52 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Independence Day is marked by fireworks, barbecues and parades.
Previously called "rockets," the term "fireworks" was not established until 1777.
Later fireworks that made a noise were invented and called "fire crackers" and by 1880 sparklers had been created.
Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.
One lad raised his hand and said, 'Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.
4th of July JokesThe difference between a duck and George Washington is:
One has a bill on his face; the other has his face on a bill!
What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?
Liberty!
What was the craziest battle of the Revolutionary War?
The Battle of Bonkers Hill.
Why were the first Pennsylvania settlers like ants?
Because they lived in colonies.
The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. 'We live in a great country,' she announced. 'One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.'
Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, 'I'm not free. I'm four.'
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at Albuquerque's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
'This baked ham is really delicious,' the priest teased the rabbi. 'You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden. You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs Warren's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?'
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, 'At your wedding.'
Mrs Whyte, his teacher advises the class that each school day starts with the "Pledge of Allegiance"*** and instructs them to put their right hand over their heart and repeat after her.
As Mrs Whyte starts the recitation she looks around the room, 'I pledge allegiance to the flag........', when her eyes are drawn to Andy who has his hand over the right cheek of his bottom.
'Andy, I cannot continue till you put your hand over your heart,' she demands.
Andy looks up and replies, 'It is over my heart.'
After several more attempts to get Andy to put his hand over his heart, Mrs Whyte enquires, 'Why do you think that is your heart, Andy?'
'Well Miss,' answers Andy, 'because every time my Grandma comes to visit she pats me there and says, "Bless your little heart," and my Grandma never lies.'
Message from Her Majesty The QueenTo the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
Benjamin Franklin, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson served on the committee that picked the eagle for the national seal [Franklin wanted the turkey].
Bald eagles have few natural enemies and live only in North America.
Bald eagles get their white head and tail feathers about 4/5 years of age.
Bald eagles are not, and never were bald. The term comes from when "bald" meant "white-headed".
Their maximum speed: 40 mph or over 100 mph while in a dive.
They can lift roughly half their body weight.
The Bald Eagle is no longer considered endangered, and now only threatened.
The only other kind of eagle in North America is the golden eagle.
Bald eagles mate for life, but if one dies, the survivor will accept a new mate.
It is a felony to shoot an eagle.
The cultural divide in America was on full display with a top-trending hashtag #NothingMoreAmericanThan.
Obviously created with the intent to make fun of the country with sarcastic tweets about “Murica” and social criticism, it also became a lightning rod for patriotic counter-points that threw into relief the highly critical nature of the hashtag.
Here are some of the tweets of a critical nature:
#NothingMoreAmericanThan white cops getting away with murder
— pol / 1 day (@addie_montgomry) July 3, 2015
#NothingMoreAmericanThan race fuelled police brutality
— chloe (@weechl0) July 3, 2015
#NothingMoreAmericanThan being black and getting pulled over for loud music when your speakers blew out a week ago…
— Don 3.0 (@89BOOMer) July 3, 2015
#NothingMoreAmericanThan remembering to use a gun but not a condom
— Sh@nice Larry4Life (@babelv1991) July 3, 2015
#NothingMoreAmericanThan repeatedly chanting USA USA because you've got nothing more interesting or intellectual to say.
— Jacqueline Woolley (@Jackie_Woolley) July 3, 2015
#NothingMoreAmericanThan Celebrating the USA by losing your hearing to homemade Mexican fireworks @midnight pic.twitter.com/G0xXew2BSO
— Rick G. Rosner (@dumbassgenius) July 3, 2015
#NothingMoreAmericanThan Captain America! pic.twitter.com/QWnrXEKsJ8
— English Cad (@englishcad) July 3, 2015
#NothingMoreAmericanThan profiling shooters instead of reconsidering our archaic gun laws
— Victoria Dokken (@VictoriaDokken) July 3, 2015
#NothingMoreAmericanThan getting a gun for your gun so your gun can have a gun to protect yourself from a criminal with a gun.
— Orian Thompson (@Blackman38Tide) July 3, 2015
#NothingMoreAmericanThan frivolous lawsuits, religious hypocrisy, and destroying the environment because of lobbyist$.
— del james (@deljamesgang) July 3, 2015
#NothingMoreAmericanThan the nicest people are covered in tattoos & the most judgmental people go to church on Sundays. @midnight
— Kyle Harris (@kylesaidthis) July 3, 2015
#NothingMoreAmericanThan trick or treat pic.twitter.com/6CQ8SyDBRG
— Jenna Abrams (@Jenn_Abrams) July 3, 2015
A handful of Twitter users replied with more patriotic tweets:
#NothingMoreAmericanThan the Gipper. pic.twitter.com/m28icGWhVT
— The Foo (@PolitiBunny) July 3, 2015
#NothingMoreAmericanThan complaining about politics and then not voting @midnight
—
Holly Happily (@Hollyorange8) July 3, 2015
#NothingMoreAmericanThan idiots using the freedom they take for granted to bash the nation that provided it
— Victor Nikki (@hapkidobigdad) July 3, 2015
#nothingmoreamericanthan Knowing & Honoring our History and passing it on to our youth! pic.twitter.com/Lf2TgM9sFn
— Mrs. Rutter ™ (@lindarutter) July 3, 2015
#NothingMoreAmericanThan an unapologetic love of this exceptional nation & all that it stands for.
????????????????????pic.twitter.com/VDhJUY8qvQ— American ✯ Woman (@FoundersGirl) July 3, 2015
George Takei is a very confused man. Must be all that beaming.
Good luck!
Top 50!
Food, Family, Fourth of july, and Fireworks. The four best F words ever!
How come there’s no Knock Knock joke about America?
Because freedom rings.
What’s red, white, black and blue?
Uncle Sam falling down the stairs.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want?
Liberty.
What was General Washington’s favourite tree?
The infantry.
What do you call a redneck bursting into flames?
A Fire Cracker!
What was the most popular dance in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
It can’t sit down.
Who was the biggest jokester in George Washington’s army?
Laughayette
Why did the duck say bang?
Because he was a firequacker.
Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry.
Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!
What do you call a duck on the fourth of July?
A fire quacker.
What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed?
The Fodder of Our Country!
What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved.
Which colonists told the most jokes?
Punsylvanians!
True independence and freedom can only exist in doing what’s right.
True patriotism hates injustice in its own land more than anywhere else.
Democracy is the government of the people, by the people, for the people.
People have forgotten what 4th of July really is about. Today commemorates the freedom we use everyday. It’s not fireworks and parties. That’s just what makes it fun.
Let’s enjoy one of the last Independence Days before our complete dependence on China.
Let us remember as we fall asleep this Independence Day those who fight and the many that have died to protect our freedom.
Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell? Yeah, it cracked me up too!
The 4th of July was not declared a national holiday until 1941.
John Hancock was the only person to actually sign the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, 1776. The other signers did not sign it until August 2nd, 1776 or even later.
http://www.jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/independencedayjokes.html
That's the deal-killer.
“My fireworks and explosions will be Sunday the 5th....that’s “prep day” for Monday’s colonoscopy.
Woe is me..”
In the end, it will all work out.
Repeatedly....two years ago, I actually kept a 'download log' and the numbers were amazing...
“In the end, it will all work out.”
Literally.
They all seem rather smug about whatever it is that they’re eating, lol.
"Fly, Shadowfax! Show us the meaning of haste."
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