Posted on 12/12/2016 7:30:36 AM PST by pabianice
It was like any other Friday night surrounded by my friends. We were drinking, playing games and enjoying each other’s company. One of my friends, “Debra”, was there, who uses they/them pronouns and identifies as a lesbian. We’ve gotten to know each other over the past year through mutual friend groups. We were flirting throughout the night, and once everyone left, we started to hook up. Things were going well, I thought, but we stopped. I then saw something was wrong, but never expected them to say, “Don’t ever take advantage of me again.”
I apologized and panicked because I didn’t know I took advantage of them. This had never happened to me before. I walked home feeling awful and overwhelmed by my thoughts. Where did I go wrong? What could I have done differently? I didn’t know, and that was my problem. It showed me firsthand how rape culture (a complex set of beliefs that encourage male sexual aggression and supports violence against women) was firmly ingrained in my masculinity. In other words, the way that I and other men were taught to perform our sexuality was violent and normalized.
At first, I got defensive. “Physical consent was established,” I thought, but somewhere along the way consent was lost. I reached out to Debra a few days later to gain an understanding of how I hurt them. They said they first wanted to hook up, but didn’t after we started. Once our conversation ended, I wondered why they didn’t say “no” or “stop” or “I don’t want to do this anymore.” I found myself blaming them rather than holding myself responsible. And what if they tried, and I didn’t know? I was acting like the men “who are performing equality so strongly that they don’t practice justice; who expect you to speak up, but who never ask.”
Ashamed, I had a lot of trouble reaching out to my friends for support. I feared that they would either dismiss what I told them by calling Debra “crazy” or refusing to engage with me for being problematic. It was very clear to me how we, as men, fear being vulnerable and channel that fear to dehumanize people with labels like “crazy”, “irrational” or “bitch.” Eventually I opened up and to my surprise was met with a lot of understanding and empathy. It was liberating because it made me realize how little compassion I had for myself. I wasn’t judged for my actions, but my friends told me where I was wrong and what I could do to hold myself accountable.
I want to use my experience to inspire other men to communicate. Not only with our partners, but with ourselves and each other. It was my miscommunication that cost me a friendship, but once I shared with my friends what happened I learned what I could do better next time.
Men, consent should always be vocalized because physical cues are hard to interpret and even harder when you’re drunk. Communication isn’t clear if both parties are intoxicated, and a lack of no is not a yes. Check in with your partner as things are getting physical and open lines of communication, especially when alcohol is involved. Establishing this comfort allows your partner to feel safer speaking up and saying “no.”
When women are being attacked for rejecting men, it shouldn’t be surprising why this fear is valid. Sexuality can be fluid, but I made the mistake to assume that everything that was happening was okay or that my partner would speak up if I was out of line. Check in with someone if they’re questioning their sexuality. They may believe they want to hook up, but could feel differently once things get intimate.
Rape culture needs to be addressed within our communities, in our friend groups and with our fathers, especially when we have an accused rapist becoming the president of the United States. Especially when masculinity is toxic and fragile. Men should talk with one another when we’re confused, ashamed or scared. We are drowning in the false notions of what it means to be a man and I don’t want to drown anymore. We shouldn’t rely on the emotional labor of women or non-binary to validate us, but rather be more sensitive with one another. We should learn together and work toward our liberation. We should help each other by engaging in more critical dialogues and leaning into this discomfort together.
Alisina Saee-Nazari is a Collegian contributor and can be reached at asaeenazari@umass.edu.
Dude’s boogin’ hard.
At what time in the past or present do Women and Men look to each others as “Equal”
Without the "God's Eye View" of the Torah
or by extension, Christianity
Chasing Amy.
You weren't outfitted with one of those.
But just think, that generation will one day be in power. Yikes!
Wyfe still has to consent in marriage
You can’t just peel open and pour the coal to it
Woman has to be of a wanting nature
I know you meant that
I don’t know why he was even pursuing “them.” It’s not like he could have consummated the act anyway without any testicles.
But, is this: Saee-Nazari supposed to be a name of some kind ?
/rhetorically LOL
f'n sandchimps
The author is a woman
Attractive too
Wives can most certainly accuse husbands of rape
That’s hardly kook talk
No reasonable husband wants sex with a wyfe who doesn’t desire Jim at least half as much lol
Girls are fickle
But when they want a baby they will wear your ass out
I’d just like to say to the author: “Boy, you’ve been a naughty girl, you let your knickers down.”
I’m going after this Jim that’s messing with my wife!
Grow a pair you pussy.
“Dude, you have issues.”
Why are you trying to pick a fight?
“Meanwhile, the article is about confused kids at college. It’s a different topic.”
Lol, you post a comment about marriage being some kind of protection against rape allegations then accuse me of being off topic when I respond directly to your point? Get a grip.
The person who wrote that has very very serious problems of adjusting to living on Planet Earth.
I metaphorically lost my wyfe a few years back to facebook and instagram
I can’t blame this Thompson character but she does lurk here when things heat up and she’s more strict moral conservative than I
She wastes so much time on that stuff but it’s pointless to try to move her on it ....all her buddies ....they validate each other all day....estrogenistas need that
I function primarily as wallet and fixer and child discipline and of course pleasure when required and permitted
Ford could make one of me for Westworld
Back to the original point upthread
Marriage is not blanket permission to shag your wyfe on a whim
Nobody acts on that I doubt
What is this?? I read a portion. The phrases and wording all screamed female/feminazi. This was not written by a male, was it?
Disgusting drivel of male recrimination. I just do not get it. Call me part caveman — no man contemplates to such absurdity.
Time to grab a beer and limber up my new rifle before heading to the range. Jeepers these youngens now are twisted badly by society.
and the lefts hatred against whites and males continues.
It's so easy anyone can do it.
Girls want to and guys want to. The societal pressures are what they are, not what they used to be. Alcohol loosens inhibitions. It also loosens psychosis.
As to marriage being the only place for sex, half of all marriages are a failure and the other half divorce. People screw up. They also screw down and sideways and it's not just the crazy ones doing it.
The advice I give my kids is to avoid people who have more psychological problems than they themselves have.
Perhaps that can involve a little less ... cancel that, a LOT LESS being DRUNK or STONED? For all of the deprecation attached to 'old fashion values' like church and morality, drunkenness was condemned for causing many bad things like bad decisions in life! This is the snowflake generation continuing the disaster of throwing millennia of hard learned lessons out with the trash.
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