FINALLY! The TRUTH about the Russian Hacks!

Original Material | 1/16/2017 | By Laz A. Mataz

[Lazamataz]

I propose to give you, my valued readers, the entirety of the Russian Hacks that gave Donald Trump an illegitimate victory.

• The Russians started out by financing Trump's Presidential campaign, realizing that a multi-billioniare would never have the resources to self-fund his own campaign.
  ........Naughty Russians!
• The Russians decided to convince Hillary Clinton to engage in Pay-For-Play operations prior to her inevitable Presidential win in 2016.
  ........BRILLIANT!
• The Russians influenced Hillary Clinton to take part in a scheme to sell arms to ISIS through Libya, and even helped her 'get rid of' Ambassador Chris Stevens.
  ........Amazing skill, those Russians.
• The Russians then convinced John Podesta to enter the word 'password' as his email password.
  ........Clever, no? CLEVER, CLEVER RUSSIANS!
• The Russians convinced Hillary Clinton to commit several Federal felonies, mentioning to her that if she had an unsecured server in her basement, that she could conduct business without being monitored.
  ........Brilliant, those Russians!
• The Russians found ways to convince Donna Brazille, among other significant players, to talk disparagingly in emails about their donors and constituants.
  ........What a smart bunch, those Russians!
• The Russians realized, once the email server in Hillary's basement was hacked, that it would be easy to get her to pass Classified information through it.
  ........Those Russians! Will they never stop???
• The Russians discovered that Hillary was receptive to removing Classified markings from documents, making her further complicit in a slew of Federal felonies.
  ........The Russians... are they GODS?
• The Russians, when the email scandal broke, put pressure on Hillary Clinton to delete 33,000 emails to make her look more guilty.
  ........Sly, sly, sly Russians.
• The Russians urged Hillary Clinton to refer to half of America as "a basket of deplorables", forever damaging her chances in the General Election.
  ........How amazing are those Russians?
• The Russians discovered a way to get Hillary Clinton to refer to "Blacks, Muslims and others “Professional Never-Do-Wells." Then she calls Muslims “Sand Niggers.”
  ........The Russians are omnipotent!
• The Russians informed Hillary Clinton that the best way to win is to go to about one-tenth as many rallies as Donald Trump, because America wants a low-energy President.
  ........Crafty, crafty Russians!
• The Russians preyed on Seth Rich, a DNC operative, to release DNC emails to Wikileaks.
  ........The strategic intelligence of the Russians is mindboggling.
• The Russians realized, after the election, that they had erred. So they ordered Jill Stein to conduct recount after recount.
  ........The Russians are amazing.
• The Russians saw that the recounts were going nowhere, so they began calling Electors, alternately bribing them or threatening them to become Faithless.
  ........Mad skillz, those Russians.
• The Russians, when it became clear that the election was going to Trump, began organizing violence-promising Inaugural Day protests.
  ........Incredible, those Russians.
• The Russians brought Trump to a posh hotel in Moscow, and directed him to request Obama's former bed, whereinwhich they provided prostitutes to pee on him.
  ........How utterly sneaky, those Russians!
• The Russians convinced Trump that such activities would never be captured on video, despite their reputation as a decades-long surveillance-state.
  ........Man, those Russians are GOOD!
• The Russians, now in possession of tapes to blackmail Trump with, ordered him to win (against all odds) a longshot "Hail Mary Pass" victory, so they could blackmail him when he became President.
  ........Those Russians, they even know the future!

There are other things the Russians are responsible for. A short list follows:

Russians cause global warming, infanticide, glacial formation, the sinking of the Titanic, the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, and fire ants. Russians are the cause of late mail, lack of adequate punctuation, the heartbreak of psoriasis, and feminine itching. Russians are the cause of fixed greyhound races, the metric system, errors in longitudinal measurements, and smaller portions. Russians are the cause of angry wives, Speedos on fat people, mismatched socks, and mold on cucumbers. Russians are the cause of the Zombie Apocalypse, interstellar planetary collisions, muteness in albinos, and killer bees. Russians are the cause of gingivitis, off-key chorus singing, air inversions, and incremental floods. Russians are the cause of fans that quit, entropy, soap shards in the shower, and fat girls. Russians are the cause of cold oatmeal, excessive blogging, sweat stains, and misfires in 9mm ammunition. Russians are the cause of cabinet doors that do not line up, cracks in the sidewalk, the scourge of heroin, and every plane crash since 1972. Russians are the cause of John McCain, senility, traitorism, and infiltration by the left (but I repeat myself). Russians are the cause of low toner, high transmission rates, delivery service price increases, and gaudy shirts. Russians are the cause of splinters, earth tremors, Gamma ray emission by the element Lawrencium, and the lack of hobbits in real life. Russians are the cause of Facebook monitoring, trigger happy SWAT teams, pencil-neck geeks, and the Yellowstone Caldera. Russians are the cause of Russia, France, Sweden, and Zambia. Russians are the cause of carbon buildup, broken bungee cords, bad lap dances, and a lack of friendly greetings in cities. Russians are the cause of paper cuts, whirlpools, thunder, and machine disconnects. Russians are the cause of honey badgers, rigidity, painful exercise, and linear contraction. Russians are the cause of Nancy Pelosi, botox overdoses, pure insanity, and Alzheimer's. Russians are the cause of regression analysis, micro-stamping, failed unions, and misaligned microwave towers. Russians are the cause of blurry lenses, spider bites, stains, and legless crocodiles. Russians are the cause of missing keyboard keys, unexpected phone calls, broken pottery, and squeaking doors. Russians are the cause of warning labels on appliances, erectile dysfunction, waterspouts, and potholes. Russians are the cause of canker sores, narcissistic Presidents, leaking toilets, and crack addiction. Russians are the cause of corroded pennies, locomotive derailments, internet trolls, and wardrobe failures. Russians are the cause of ADHD in the clergy, Blue Screens of Death on personal computers, the French Revolution of 1789, and thorns. Russians are the cause of bad Muppet shows, holes in circus nets, the NFL going all-queer, all-the-time, and Sandra Fluke's birth-control deficit. Russians are the cause of Israel's problems with Syria, excessive salt in the Pacific Ocean, the disappearance of Malaysian Air flight 370, and infomercials. Russians are the cause of low-calorie diet soda, smudges on the Xerox, dry technical text, and animal abuse. Russians are the cause of glass shards, bad pudding, hair cancer, and sun-dried dead worms. Russians are the cause of porcelin stains, droughts, turbulence above 10000 feet, and power brown-outs. Russians are the cause of low scores on Angry Birds, weak tea, Michael Jackson's early demise, and Micheal Jackson. Russians are the cause of bad comb-overs, Chris Matthews, alcoholism, and spittle (but I repeat myself). Russians are the cause of Russians, micturition syncope, solar eclipses, and dead lithium batteries. Russians are the cause of Quiznos spongmonkeys, badly behaved Colonels, toothaches, and the shipwreck of the Minnow. Russians are the cause of failed sitcoms, knots you cannot get undone, overly-rare hamburgers at restaurants, and Miley Cyrus. Russians are the cause of squeaking hinges, malformed carrots, bent coat hangers, and slippery decks. Russians are the cause of the 2014 Midterms, tarnished silver, wobbling fans, and tangled power cables. Russians are the cause of off-hook phones, shattered ceramics, dull scissors, and dog-eared books.

It is for all these reasons that I declare Donald Trump -- who was in no way responsible or committed any of the above -- ILLEGITIMATE. We must follow the Constitution word-for-word, and simply declare him the default loser. We can then follow the Constitutional directives on holding a new election, allowing the entirely-legitimate Barack Obama to stay in the Presidency until we can arrange to appoint Hillary Clinton, who was the rightful winner all along.

[Lazamataz]

Thank you!

[Lazamataz]

You are both so kind... thank you.

[Lazamataz]

;)

[Lazamataz]

Laz, you have brightened my day immeasurably. Thank you!

Brightening people's day is the very best payoff. :)

[Lazamataz]

LOL

[wxgesr]

“I am just some a-hole with a keyboard.”

Oh please Oksana-mataz, ALL keyboards some in your hole.

[Thumper1960]

One does not "bitch" about a Laz posting.

Newbie.

[Popman]

Ok... “hair cancer” got me...

Damn Russians are the reason for not having hobbits...

Bastards

[Polyxene]

“Vee are still looking for Moose and Squirrel! Next stop — the Veener and Hooma dacha.”

Fantastic post, Laz!

[stephenjohnbanker]

HILARIOUS !!

A keeper.

[stephenjohnbanker]

Amazing how that works !

[Big Red Badger]

Bad Lap Dances!!??

I can see that.

[Reddy]

You outdid yourself on this (is that possible?).

Excellent!

[Apple Pan Dowdy]

I’m a little late to the party, but thank goodness I got here in time ....... You do realize don’t you, Laz, that the clever Russians have a camera embedded in that hat they sent you! They are expecting to use it to get an incriminating photo of you doing the Watusi at the Rivermont Golf Club’s big Inaugural Party on Friday night. They will, of course, then use it to blackmail you into releasing to them the names on your entire ping list. God-only-knows what they intend to do once they have that list! I can only hope that you will know to cover your hat completely with tin foil before wearing it the party. I am convinced that will block the camera and what ever other devices they have embedded in it. Just be sure to have someone help you watch for tiny holes or rips to appear in the foil which is inevitable as the Watusi gets going and the crowd gets really “happy”. Good luck!

[TADSLOS]