the all time funniest one is:
Time flies like an arrow- fruit flies like a banana
The parents of a lady potato wanted her to marry someone special. But she fell in love with Bill O’Reilly instead. The parents disapproved. After all, he’s just a common-tater.
A weasel walks into a bar.
“Wow!, you’re the first weasel I’ve ever had in my bar. What can I get you?”, asks the bartender.
“Pop”. goes the weasel.
The funniest puns occur accidentally.
As someone known for bad jokes, I can tell you that when I pun by accident it is much better received.
I thought one of these would make me groan. No pun in ten did.
My pig got a little sunburned, so I applied some oinkment.
My Granddad used to say that God never meant people to fly. He based this on the passage that reads: “Low, I be with you always.”
I was having dinner with a World Chess Champion in a restaurant with checkered tablecloths. Took the guy an hour to pass me the salt.
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If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. — Mark Twain
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The day it all started was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo and walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.
William Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving towards the Alamo.
With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, “Jim, are we, by any chance, having any landscaping done today?”
My granddad told a story about a fellow he worked with back in the 70s. It was in Venezuela when he worked for their big oil company. His friend, who spoke an amazing number of languages and dialects too, was from there and his family too for some generations, though they were ethnic Germans.
One day his friend got pulled over for speeding and the Federal Patrol Officer asked him the standard: “Do you know how fast you were going?” (only in Spanish, natch) when the man summoned a confused look and said: “Yo no fume Espanol.”
The cop just sort of got a slackjawed expression, shook his head sadly and walked back to his car — finally waving him on.
I bet he had something to say about the idiot gringo he encountered back at the station house!
She was only the stableman’s daughter, but all the horse manure,
True story:
Some years back, I was talking to a friend at work, and he was having trouble finding his scissors.
I helpfully offered this...
“Oh, they must have cut out”.
Boy, did I get a dirty look!
With all the sadness and political trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote ‘The Hokie Pokey’ died peacefully at the age of 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in (of course) ... and then the trouble started.
Did you hear about the cannibal who ate the Pentecostal missionary? Didn’t taste bad, but he kept throwing up his hands.
Thanks!
I asked a midget for a dollar, but he said - sorry, I’m a little short.
I can tune a piano but I can’t tuna fish. I know, it’s sofa king lame. lol
As a rhetorician, is Bill Clinton a master debater or simply a cunning linguist?
This just in: The guy who fell into the upholstering machine is now fully recovered.