Skip to comments.When Absurdity Became Law (Satire)
Posted on 09/22/2002 7:29:07 AM PDT by Bloody Sam Roberts
This is a piece that was emailed to me by my father-in-law as a joke. He wrote it up after pondering some recent news stories. He is a staunch conservative and you will discover that he is a Rush Limbaugh fan. It is published here with permission. Enjoy.
WHEN ABSURDITY BECAME LAW
The events that led to the overthrow of the United States Government can at last be chronologically laid out.
The downfall began in March of 2003 when the 8 woman and l4 man jury (average weight 295 ¼ lbs.) awarded 42.75 BILLION dollars in punitive damages in their wrongful injury suit brought by a group of morbidly obese plaintiffs against Burger King, MacDonalds, Kentucky Fried Chicken and Wendys.
On hearing the verdict two of the plaintiffs died of shock while three others fainted and suffered injuries when they struck their heads on the tables and floor of the courtroom. These events immediately led to wrongful death and injury suits being filed against the jury.
Within the week, the "fast food industry" was rocked when the Big Four having quickly filed for bankruptcy protection, closed every outlet in the country. This action caused the instant loss of employment for up to 2 million entry level workers, legal and illegal aliens, and teenagers getting their first taste of the working world. The resultant surge in unemployment caught state governments by surprise and rapidly led to draining of national unemployment compensation funds. The problem was worsened when the meat and poultry processing industries, having lost their biggest customers, in turn laid of thousands of their hourly employees.
On the first workday of the FAST FOOD FREE NATION" millions of the nations workers were late to work, having suddenly discovered that their normal places of getting breakfast were closed. By the millions, workers cruised around seeking a place to eat before going to work, quickly overwhelming the few independent restaurants and breakfast places that remained. In New York, the stock markets opened 50 minutes late, as their workers arrived very late, having wasted millions of man-hours seeking food. The markets lost 485 points in the first thirty minutes as stockbrokers and clerks suffered the early effects of having no coffee to start the day.
Across the nation, similar problems occurred, creating chaos undreamed of in the business and manufacturing world. Only large companies that maintained their own cafeterias avoided the meltdown. During the noon hour, the confusion and panic worsened as millions of starving workers again set out in search of a quick meal. In a reflection of the national disaster, Chicago city officials were forced to send the police forces to break up riots at the few remaining diners and restaurants that were open. Chicago officials reported 27 policemen were injured when 1200 workers fought over slices of pizza and portions of sub sandwiches at Guidos Lunch Counter. It was later reported that 21 of the policemen were hurt when they attempted, not to stop the riot, but to obtain something for their own lunch. The government later estimated that across the nation, about 935 small diners and restaurants were so badly damaged during the noon unrest that they could not remain open.
Toward the latter part of the afternoon, millions of women and thousands of men were forced to leave work early when they realized that there was no longer a place to pick up supper on the way home and supper would have to be cooked. In an echo of the noon chaos, supermarkets across the country were inundated by millions of tired, hungry mothers and fathers frantically seeking something for supper. Quickly, fresh food supplies ran short and later arrivals were forced to take what was left. Again, police were called out in many cities and towns to control the situation. It is estimated that about 9500 people were injured in fights over frozen dinners and entrees. In Saco, Maine, one woman was critically injured when beaten with a frozen box of hamburger patties because she would not give up any of the HUNGRY MAN DINNERS she had grabbed. As before, the EMTs who treated her and took her to the hospital, were later arrested for stealing the frozen meals for their own hungry families.
In a surprise development, the Democratically controlled Senate persuaded the House to assist in passing an emergency bill that would make the processing and eating of beef in any form a federal violation. At the ceremony celebrating the override of the Presidential veto, the national leader of PETA proclaimed "we have begun a new era, one in which our brothers and sisters, the animals of the earth, will at long last receive the consideration and respect long denied them".
As they ate their Veggie Parmesan sandwiches later, show business notables Alec Baldwin and Barbara Streisand announced the founding of a new effort to widen the "Humanity in Food Choice" to include protection for "our earth companions who live in the oceans".
Two weeks later, with the filing of several multi-billion dollar law suits against them, the major meat packing plants of the nation closed down and went out of business. Cattle ranchers, no longer having a market for their beef, simply opened the gates to the corrals and allowed the cattle to roam free. Before long, authorities were overwhelmed with demands from the public to do something about the millions of cows roaming through town eating lawns and "messing all over the place".
Within a month, the Mafia, ever on the lookout for new ideas, had sprung into action. In basement hideaways across the country, "CHEWEASIES" opened, where a lawbreaking public could get a now forbidden "hamburger with everything on it". In New York, the Corleone and Barzinni Families fought for control of the onion supply, while the Tattaglias managed to infiltrate the Dairy industry to take over the ingredients of cheeseburgers. Shortly thereafter, the Carli Cartel gave up on the violent smuggling of cocaine, and began to flood the cities with Argentine beef under the cover of night. Being only human, it was the rare law enforcement officer who was not on a Payoff list, finding five pound packages of ground beef on his doorstep in the morning.
Despite the best efforts of the FGA (Food Gestapo Agency), the ever increasing growth of the lawbreaking (ignoring) population could not be stemmed. When a FGA squad in Memphis tried to close down a clandestine FRENCH FRY TAVERN, they were pelted by a barrage of raw potatoes, bringing serious injury to five of their number. The rest of the squad retreated to the street, where their retreat was hurried by further salvos of potatoes tossed from rooftops. In a variation of the old practice of "tarring and feathering" officials of colonial times, irate good food fans in Baltimore "SAUCED" an agent of the FGA, in response to an order to leave the premises of an illegal Burger Joint. The agent was stripped, covered with Thousand Island Dressing, and sprinkled with shredded lettuce and bacon bits.
The final collapse occurred during the Presidents State of the Union message. President George W. Bushs speech was interrupted when Senator Edward M. Kennedy (D-MA) lurched to his feet, stumbled forward and demanded "GIVE ME A DOUBLE WHOPPER OR GIVE ME DEATH" whereupon he collapsed weeping at his feet.
Senator Hillary R. Clinton (D- NY) challenged in response "VEGGIES FOREVER" causing rousing cheers from SWIFT (Senate Womens Inedible Food Team). In response the JOINT chiefs rose to their feet, crying in unison "PIZZA HUT" while the Supreme Court Judges answered "PAPA GINOS". Senator Wishbone (D-GA) gained control of the microphone and announced that from then on the national bird of the United States of America would be the "SOUTHERN FRIED CHICKEN". The senior senator from Idaho cupped his hands and yelled "every pot full of FRENCH FRIED POTATOES", drawing an angry reply from the junior senator from Maine, "so long as theyre Maine potatoes." Order collapsed and the Secret Service converged on and hurried President Bush from the chamber.
To the dismay of many, what had been begun could not be reversed. Tens of thousands of people living in the American Southwest, mostly illegal aliens from Mexico and Central America began to stream back to their home countries. One father interviewed while wading back across the Rio Grande with his wife and children said, "There may not be much food in my native land, but at least what there is can be enjoyed. The Americans have destroyed one of the joys of life. I go home." The government of Mexico, shocked at what was happening to it, protested in the most vigorous terms to the US State Department, claiming the events were a "Yankee plot to drive the good citizens of Mexico back to Mexico." The Mexican government rapidly mobilized its Army and Navy in order to seal the borders between the two countries.
As the Hispanic population rapidly decreased, labor unrest exploded as surplus dual-language interpreters and "English as a second or third language" teachers were fired and/or laid off. Special payroll taxes were levied on businesses to assist the unemployed but resulting revenues were tragically low, as so many workers had fled, most businesses no longer had payrolls.
On the other side of the country thousands of Jews paraded in the streets of Long Island shouting the motto, " NO BRISKET..NO PEACE!" As the last of the Delicatessens on the Island closed, the entire labor force of the Half Sour Pickle industry was thrown out of work. The huge plant of Goldbergs Pickle Heaven was vandalized by enraged members of the Pickle Workers United for Eating with a Smile, and millions of gallons of pickling brine was released from the vats. At Silvers "Special Passover Dynamite Horseradish" plant, the spilling of thousands of pounds of horseradish covered the area in a nearly toxic cloud of fumes. This provided an unexpected benefit as many cases of Hay Fever and clogged Sinuses were cured as people breathed in horseradish laden air. There were even some who claimed their cars had never run better.
Italians, Greeks, Germans, Swedes...no matter the ethnic background, people could not be pacified. Soon the lastest growth industry was the smuggling of favorite foods by international crime groups. Law enforcement agencies tried their best, but a violently unhappy civilian population made their jobs impossible. When the Coast Guard tried to put to sea to intercept a rumored ship full of Pepperoni and Sausage, it was discovered the gas tanks had been filled with olive oil. No arrests were ever made but the FBI did uncover a HUGE shipment of tomato sauce into the area of New York controlled by the Barzinni Family. Specially trained police dogs were able to track the tomato sauce into the city until they sniffed their way into the cloud of horseradish fumes, which destroyed their sense of smell. When last seen, the poor dogs were lying in the infield of Yankee Stadium, tears coming from their eyes as they waved their paws in front of their mouths.
In the midst of the national chaos, a lone citizen, frustration having built to the breaking point was heard to cry out, "RUSH WAS RIGHT!!"
Overheard, the cry was repeated again and again. Despite the best efforts of the FBI, CIA, DNC, RNC and PETA, the individual was never identified or arrested. It was not long before buildings, stone walls, and bridge abutments were, from coast to coast, covered with graffiti that read RWR, being code for "RUSH WAS RIGHT".
Despite repeated claims of non-involvement, conservative radio personality Rush Limbaugh, was unable to stem the ever growing tide. People remembered his early warnings about tobacco, the sorely missed SUV vehicles, and his alerts about animal rights "wackos" and environmental radicals. Laughed at and ridiculed in the national media, nonetheless Mr. Limbaugh had remained steadfast on his beliefs and had sadly been proven 100% correct.
Shortly, mall shops were filled with hats and T-shirts proclaiming "RWR". Citizens vied to have their new license plates with the coveted "RWR". Lumberjacks, long unemployed by the outlawing of the use of wood, appeared with their right arms carrying the tattoo "RWR". Union carpenters and electricians likewise out of work when the housing industry collapsed due to a lack of materials soon followed. Democratic politicians who rose to challenge and calm their ire, found themselves ejected from union halls. The clamor grew louder and louder "RWR" "RWR" "RWR" despite Mr. Limbaughs constant pleading to his listeners during his daily four-hour radio show whose audience had grown to a record 32 million per DAY.
The final straw was the "2004 ENVIRONMENTAL PURITY LAW", passed by the Democratically controlled congress over the veto of the soon to leave office president. Mr. Bush announced that he would not run for re-election when it was discovered that one provision of the Environmental Purity Law was the total elimination of the internal combustion engine from the Military list of equipment in a massive drive to cut down on air pollution. When it was estimated that it would require 250,000 horses to replace the scrapped motor vehicles, the invasion of Iraq was postponed until the needed horses could be bred, born and raised. In a broadcast from Baghdad, Dictator Saddam Hussein praised the action of the American Congress and congratulated the Green Parties around the world and the Sierra Club of America. The following morning, Iraqi armored columns crossed the national borders in a Blitzkrieg invasion of Kuwait, Saudi Arabia and Qatar. In response, many nations mobilized their own military forces in self defense. Even European nations activated their units. In the nation of Germany, the 1st Panzer Division staged a dress parade, whereupon France quickly surrendered, further upsetting an already nervous world.
In early August, responding to the Democratic nomination of Senator Hillary R. Clinton (D-NY) to be the Democratic nominee for President, the Republicans met in convention in Houston, Texas. For the first time in history, party leaders were swept aside, and after a tumultuous 243 ballots, Mr. Rush Limbaugh, over his frantic protests was drafted as the Republican nominee for the office of president. Only when reminded of the career he had made stressing ones debt to this great land, did he reluctantly agree to accept the nomination. When introduced to the convention by Vice Presidential nominee Oliver North, the chairman required 45 minutes to quiet the delegates. Standing proud, his beloved Marta by his side, Mr. Limbaugh began, "My fellow, Americans...DITTOS!" With that, the shortest acceptance speech in recorded history ended as the convention again erupted, with cries of DITTO filling the night
It was later discovered, only the huge audience watching the proceedings on the FOX network heard Mr. Limbaughs speech. For some mysterious reason the television signals of ABC, CBS, NBC, PBS, and CNN had all failed just as the nominee had approached the microphones. All five networks to this day deny any collusion and insist that the failures were just a simple coincidence that could happen anytime. In fact, each of the networks announced that as good citizens they had each contributed to the Republican campaign. The networks were further embarrassed when the Limbaugh campaign, announced that it was returning all monies from the networks, a sum totaling $74.50.
Lawlessness increased across the land as the Limbaugh campaign soon took the form of RUSH ROASTS. In an act of law-breaking unseen since the days of Prohibition, local Republican groups sponsored giant barbecue rallies in closely guarded locations. Ribs, chicken and steaks were the offerings to the voters who flocked in ever growing crowds who chanted "DITTO" whenever the speaker paused for breath, or another bite of steak. Agents of the FGA, sent to locate the sites of the clandestine rallies, were generally unable to locate them. Their superiors becoming increasingly suspicious of their agents who could not find illegal rallies, but returned with gravy stains and barbecue sauce on their uniforms. One supervisor of the FGA was hospitalized after himself finding a rally featuring forbidden foods and being SAUCED with special Texas Barbecue sauce. As he was leaving the rally, he attracted a large swarm of bees which followed him for miles as he pedaled his environmentally friendly dirt bike as fast as possible. This proved to be just one example of the turmoil existing across the country.
Eventually the media discovered just how the voters were flocking to the Limbaugh/North cause. The first clue on the popularity of the RUSH ROASTS came when it was discovered the national supply of paper towels and paper napkins had vanished from the nation's shelves. The disappearance of paper supplies, due to the moratorium on tree cutting prevented the re-supply of paper goods, causing a run on cloth towels. The climax was reached when the New York Times, announced it was ceasing publication due to the unavailability of newsprint, which it had forgotten was a WOOD product.
The final collapse of the Democratic Party came about when the Congress passed the 2004 "FINAL SOLUTION TO AIR POLLUTION BILL" requiring all citizens to both live and work within a single mile radius, thus eliminating the need for automobiles in the cities. The thousands of union workers, led by the United Auto Workers fearing for their jobs, expelled the leaders that had betrayed them for so many years. The members of the teaching unions, furious at the new restrictions, turned out their leaders claiming, "its enough I have to work there, Im sure not going to live there."
Democratic candidates Hillary R. Clinton and Ralph Nader, during a campaign wrap-up speaking tour, proudly stated that the people of the United States were at long last one the verge of eliminating most of the worlds problems. The de-electrification of the country and the elimination of the internal combustion engine had at last solved the problem of air pollution in our great cities. They admitted that the introduction of horse drawn transport did create certain problems, but the government was diligently researching the creating of a way to rid the cities of the millions of flies attracted by the sudden presence of so many horses. Additionally candidate Clinton boasted that, under Democratic prodding, the radical drop in the living standard in the United States had eliminated the rampant jealously that had made so many around the world hate America. "Now, at last, the citizens of America and the peoples of Zimbabwe and Bangladesh can live on equal planes. The causes of resentment and envy have been eliminated for once and for all."
On election day polls were crowded to a degree never before seen in most of the country. Only in the Southwestern states were long voter lines not to be seen, it soon becoming apparent that the vast migration of people OUT of the country had left wide areas bereft of people. As virtually all of these people had been democratic voters, the precipitous drop in the democratic vote count put even California in the Republican column. Only the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, it economy greatly boosted by the swift revival of the whaling industry in response to the nations need for lamp oil and lubrication, remained steadfastly in the Democratic fold.
On election night, the major networks refused to project a winner in the national races, claiming that the 89% to 10% count in favor of Limbaugh/North was too close to call without additional data. Only on Fox television, did a courageous personality, Bill OReilly pronounce Limbaugh/North the election winners. Mr. OReilly, long noted for "fair and balanced" reporting, made his announcement neither smiling nor frowning, but it was very obvious to all watching that there was a large hamburger and fries on a plate in front of him.
The Republican sweep of the White House and both houses of Congress, revitalized the American people. People again made plans for the future. Drawings were held for the new restaurants that would dot the cities as union carpenters and electricians were called back to work to construct them. Automobile factories recalled laid-off workers and hotels re-staffed for the business of the future.
On Inauguration Day, newly installed President Rush Limbaugh in his inaugural address, proclaimed a "new birth of freedom and personal accountability in the land." Promising to get "government off the backs of productive American citizens" and vowing to get government "out of the way of productive American business", President Limbaugh informed the world that "America is back". Proclaiming that "enjoyment is healthy" the President took a ceremonial bite of a hamburger (with mustard and onions) that had been given to him by a little girl during the parade. President Limbaugh, the 44th leader of the country, held up the partially eaten burger and proclaimed, "My fellow Americans...DITTOS"
© Copyright 2002
BARRY J. MARCUS
Tell your father-in-law thanks for me! It's a great read!
Bookmarked and bumped!
He's a very intellingent man. Served on a battleship in WWII and has read just about every fiction and no-fiction book there is on the subject, including "Mein Kampf".
When we play Trivial Pursuit we form two teams....Barry vs. everyone else. He always wins. Always.
Wow. I tried to drill down from their homepage and couldn't find it. How did you find it?
It's listed under "A. Cool Strange Stuff",
subcategory "9-11-01 - Terrorist - USA - News Articles & Humor" on the home page.
Click on the subcategory and on the new page it's listed as "The World Has Changed - When Absurdity Became Law"
A dream come true!
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