SEMI-PRESIDENTIAL ENDORSEMENT

AZCONSERVATIVE ^ | 2 Feb 2008 | John Semmens

[John Semmens]

Normally, I wouldn’t think of endorsing a presidential candidate. After all, who would care what I think? But faced with the stampede of celebrity endorsements for various candidates, I figured I know at least as much about politics as these luminaries. Why shouldn’t I endorse someone?

Of course, the decision to announce an endorsement is freighted with responsibility. How is one to choose? At this stage of the game, the options have narrowed. Many worthy candidates have already dropped out. Former senator John Edwards’ (D-N.C.) plan to sue America into prosperity offered the promise of riches to every undeserving sloth in the country. Representative Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio) was the only candidate alert to the threat of extraterrestrial invasion. Former senator Fred Thompson (R-Tenn.) had some good ideas, but had a hard time fitting the campaign into his schedule. For my endorsement to carry any weight, I realize I must select from those still in the running.

Among the Democrats still in the running, we have Sen. Barack Obama (Ill.) and Senator Hillary Clinton (N.Y.). Now, Senator Obama has several attractive qualities. He is half black and half white, half Muslim and half Christian, half American and half foreign and has many half-baked ideas. Obama has been endorsed by wrestler Hulk Hogan and famed swimmer Ted Kennedy.

Sen. Clinton has a wealth of experience aiding and abetting many of former president Bill Clinton’s activities over the years and has yet to go to jail. This demonstrates a dexterity that is the envy of many professional politicians. She has been endorsed by “People Who Need People” singer, Barbra Streisand.

Among the Republicans we have Sen. John McCain (Ariz.), former governor Mitt Romney (Mass.), former governor Mike Huckabee (Ark.) and Rep. Ron Paul (Texas). Sen. McCain has been widely hailed as a “maverick.” A maverick is an unbranded cow. This is important because a branded cow is not a maverick. The media have gone to great efforts over the years to emphasize this. McCain has been endorsed by baseball player Curt Schilling.

Gov. Romney probably has the most breadth of any of the Republicans, having at one time or another been on every side of all the important issues. Such flexibility could come in handy in an uncertain future or when the political winds change direction. Romney has been endorsed by Donny and Marie Osmond, who I have heard may be dance contestants on some reality TV show.

Gov. Huckabee is from Arkansas, a state that gave America one of its only two impeached presidents. Whether Huckabee could follow in the footsteps of that other Arkansan president is unknown, but like that other president, he has wowed crowds by playing a musical instrument on the campaign trail. Huckabee has been endorsed by movie tough guy Chuck Norris, who could probably beat up all the other celebrity endorsers, with the possible exception of Hulk Hogan.

Rep. Paul appears to take the U.S. Constitution seriously. This is generally regarded as a critical blunder by most political experts and may have severely hampered his campaign. Dr. Paul is also a gynecologist. This gives him a perspective on women’s tissues that is unduplicated by any of the other candidates. Paul has been endorsed by Alice’s Restaurant customer Arlo Guthrie.

Given these choices, I’ll have to throw my support to Ron Paul.

We are going to see the name of whoever becomes president in print and hear it over the airwaves for the next four years. Of all the candidates, Ron Paul’s name is the shortest. In print it will use less ink. Using less ink means lower costs and less impact on the environment. On broadcast news, it won't take as long to say his name. This will save precious time, allowing broadcasts to end earlier or move on to more interesting topics.

In sum, it seems clear that electing Ron Paul president will have less negative impact on the economy and the environment than electing any of the others. In my opinion, this is a very tangible reason why Ron Paul ought to be our next president.

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