Posted on 04/19/2013 10:42:56 PM PDT by John Semmens
Department of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano denied that the Administration’s 45% cut in the budget for bomb prevention would have made any difference. “As I have said many times before, the greatest threat comes from right-wing extremists,” Napolitano maintained. “Even at the lower funding amounts we have successfully continued to suppress this most dangerous element. We, like everyone else, were taken completely by surprise by these Muslim extremists.”
Minority Whip Representative Steny Hoyer (D-Md) blamed the bombing on the “Republican sequester.” Hoyer was unmoved by the seeming illogic of casting the sequester’s 2% decrease in spending growth as decisive. Neither was he deterred by the fact that the sequester was President Obama’s idea. “Well, the President never thought it would stick,” Hoyer retorted. “Besides, everybody now thinks it was the GOP’s idea.”
Representative Peter King (R-NY) asked that “retailers be required to report persons who buy pressure cookers, pellets, ball bearings, or nails—anything that might be used to construct a bomb—to police. I’ve been working on legislation to require beefed up background checks for gun purchases, and that’s important, but as events in Boston have shown, we may need background checks for a wider range of potentially dangerous items.”
Former Congressman Barney Frank (D-Mass) contended that “the bombing thoroughly rebuts the case for small government. I think that most people would eagerly exchange the freedom that right-wingers are saying is the American birthright for a government big enough to protect them from being blown away. A government with the manpower to search every bag and pat down every person entering any public transportation vehicle or any building that is open to the public would have the support of an overwhelming majority of voters.”
Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel saw the incident as evidence for the superiority of police surveillance over an armed citizenry for defending the country. “I would say that even if everyone in the country were armed they’d still be vulnerable to terrorist bombs,” Emanuel argued. “I’d make the case that if all the money people spend on buying guns were instead invested in more extensive surveillance government would be better prepared to apprehend the perpetrators of heinous crimes and counter any threats to existing authority.”
Former GOP Presidential candidate Mitt Romney espied a “silver lining in this terrible tragedy. We saw President Obama give a superb speech at the memorial. It was much better than I could’ve done. In hindsight, I guess I’d have to say the voters made the right decision last November.”
MSNBC’s Chris Matthews called the indication that the bombing was undertaken by Islamic jihadis “truly disappointing. If it had been a Timothy McVeigh type of guy we could’ve used that to bolster the President’s campaign for gun control. Now every redneck in the country is going to think he needs a gun to fight off alien enemies. It’s a crucial lost opportunity.”
The revelation that the attack was carried out by two ex-patriots moved Chechen President Ramzan Kadyrov to blame the crime on America’s “toxic values. The appalling depravity that is on display in every corner of the country drove these two deeply religious young men to strike a blow for decency.” Kadyrov rued the slaying of one of the bombers as a “true tragedy. America’s violent culture has claimed yet another innocent victim.”
if you missed any of this week's other semi-news/semi-satire posts you can find them at...
http://azconservative.org/2013/04/20/boston-bombing-inspires-array-of-reactions/
ping
Chris Matthews, you ARE an alien enemy. And a scumbag.
Nailed it again John.
Another good one, John! And again, treading a VERY fine line.
But the idea that any of these beings might have anything worthwhile to say about anything, ever, is semi-news and semi-satire enough.
Nice work there.
BTW, nice synaptic...
Bump
Oh dear, the Barney Frank paragraph is hilarious! Great play on words.
Close enough, John. Close enough for government work.
(8^D)
wow....John, you nailed it!
Have never heard so much unadulterated illogical, incoherent, dysfunctional, hatred, racist comments from the progressive socialist libtards in such a short period of time as we have had the past 10 days.
good work, keep it up!
I think you have captured very well the mindset of all of those “leaders.”
I have never seen such ridiculous and obvious mendacity in one statement in my life and yet no one in the press or politics will challenge her. Any respect she may have once felt for Americans’ fundamental intelligence has gone. She will attack “Right wing extremest” Americans. Count on it.
Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel saw the incident as evidence for the superiority of police surveillance over an armed citizenry
Hey mayor, if you had surveillance in your city, do you think the murder rate would drop? I bet not.
WOW!
My day is complete before it begins!
Maybe I can find a few hours without thinking about this weeks events? NO!
When the thousands of SWAT members, DHS hock troops are occupied somewhere else on diversionary suspect hunts more Muslim democrat terrorists will strike, and THEN armed citizens will form up and take over.
You get a thousand terrorists doing exactly what these two did all at the same time all across America there is NO WAY enough police or military.
America citizens will take over.
Bet on it.
Bwaaa-Haaa-HAA!
Don’t forget Bloombeg’s “new normal.” And the Rubio spokeshole’s assertion that this incident shouldn’t interfere with immigration reform. It’s been a target rich week for satire. there has been no shortage of people who have far too much responsibility for this country saying incredibly stupid things. How *will* 0bama spin this, John? How did he spin the Fort Hood attack? And the KSM trial. I know this kid’s case will go down the rabbit hole until Hussain is safely out of office.
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