Is the Nation of Rabid Rats advising Palestinians and Iranians on diplomacy? [Attempted satire]

Dan Miller's Blog ^ | February 15, 2014 | Dan Miller

[DanMiller]

In 2012, grievously oppressed rabid rats convinced the Obama Administration to grant their demands. They may now be assisting Palestinians and Iranians. However, rumors to that effect have not yet been confirmed.

An article about the successes of the Nation of Rabid Rats, posted here on September 12, 2012, may have been prescient. It is reprinted below with few modifications. Briefly, the Nation of Rabid Rats had persuaded the Obama Administration that its demands were fair and just. Taking into account geographical and other contextual differences, Palestinian demands resemble those earlier presented by the Nation of Rabid Rats and agreed to by the Obama Administration. President Obama is therefore likely to insist that Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu agree to their demands in the same spirit of repentance as His own.

Here are the current (as demands are met others are made) Palestinian "Peace Process" demands:

Preempting the American framework agreement for a Palestinian-Israeli peace deal expected within weeks, the Palestinian presidency on Wednesday issued a list of “red lines” stating PA President Mahmoud Abbas’s nonnegotiable positions.

Nabil Abu Rudeineh, a spokesman for Abbas, told the official PA daily Al-Ayyam that the American paper must include an Israeli withdrawal “from all Palestinian territories occupied in 1967″ within a time frame of three to four years, followed by the release of all Palestinian prisoners in Israeli jails. The agreement must also explicitly refer to East Jerusalem as the capital of the Palestinian state.

Abbas’s list of “red lines,” sent to the Middle East Quartet ahead of its meeting in Germany in early February as well as to US President Barack Obama, also includes a call to solve the refugee issue based on UN General Assembly Resolution 194, and a refusal to recognize Israel as a Jewish state.

“These are the red lines of the Palestinian position, since without these principles there can be no just and comprehensive peace in the region,” Abu Rudeineh said.

Hamas, another peace-loving terror group which may (or may not) join forces with President Abbas' Fatah, has blocked U.N. textbooks for Gaza:

Gaza’s Hamas authorities have blocked a UN refugee agency from introducing a book promoting human rights into local schools, saying it ignores Palestinian cultural mores and focuses too heavily on “peaceful” means of conflict resolution. [Emphasis added.]

The Nation of Rabid Rats, similarly, had no interest in human rights beyond abolishing them; only the rights of rabid rats were seen as meaningful.

Motesem al-Minawi, spokesman for the Hamas-run Education Ministry, said Thursday the government believes the UNRWA curriculum does not match the “ideology and philosophy” of the local population. [Emphasis added.]

Ditto the ideology and philosophy of the Nation of Rabid Rats.

Youth in Hamas training camp. Gaza

He said the textbook, used in grades 5 through 9, did not sufficiently address Palestinian suffering and did not acknowledge the right to battle Israel. “There is a tremendous focus on the peaceful resistance as the only tool to achieve freedom and independence,” he said. [Emphasis added.]

Fortunately, President Obama dealt successfully with the suffering previously experienced by rabid rats and the justice of their fights against it. He put an end to their suffering and the need for rabid rats to fight against it.

Although there has been no media coverage, it is likely that the Nation of Rabid Rats provided substantial input for Obama Administration consideration in connection with the P5+1 deal with Iran and that it was favorably considered, leading to Iranian happiness. The content of President Obama's recent Executive Decree implementing His Iranian initiative also suggests that the Nation of Rabid Rats played a significant role in its drafting. Accordingly, the Nation of Rabid Rats believes that Israel must yield to Palestinian demands. Although Palestinians claim to be human and have no known genetic identification with rats, rabid or otherwise, their reasoning may be based principally on the apparent popularity of rabid rats in areas more or less governed by Palestinians.

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CHICAGO, Ill. September 12, 2012.

NEWS FLASH

In a previously unreported event this morning, hundreds of rabid rats attacked the American Ambassador to the Nation of Rabid Rats and her colleagues. The workplace disruption occurred at a Federal office building located in a suburb of Chicago, Illinois. Police assistance was limited because most police authorities had been diverted to the Windy City due to reports of marauding groups of Chicago public school youth celebrating an unanticipated holiday. Recently appointed Ambassador Debbie Washerwoman-Schultz had been dispatched by the State Department's Office of Species Tolerance and Diversity and was to be assisted by thirty-one non-rabid rats employed by the State Department.

The ambassador's mission was not only to persuade officials of the Nation of Rabid Rats that future peaceful co-existence would advance their noble causes of world peace and species diversity -- already celebrated by President Obama -- but also to encourage them to present further demands promptly because President Obama had already accepted their prior demands. The accepted demands had included the following, to be accomplished by Executive Decree because, as President Obama wisely proclaimed, "We can't wait:"

♥ A twenty billion dollar grant to establish Ratsques for the re-education of non-rabid species,

♥ A Federal ban on all attempts by the entertainment media falsely to portray rabid rats as a less than an exemplary species,

♥ Increased control over school texts to the same end, and

♥ That all aspects of President Obama's historic initiative will be directed by officials of the Nation of Rabid Rats.

According to a White House statement released shortly after the alleged workplace disruption in a Chicago suburb, President Obama is now giving favorable consideration to additional unspecified concessions demanded by the Nation of Rabid Rats. He is also seeking help from His most trusted advisers on how best to apologize for the abysmal failures of the United States properly to recognize and applaud the vast contributions of rats to scientific advances in epidemiology and other important fields of knowledge.

Opposition political candidates -- doubtless for partisan political advantage -- had claimed that information on the sensitive matter of concessions had been leaked by unnamed Democrat contributors in Hollywood, possibly to encourage the Nation of Rabid Rats to assert additional demands. The White House statement indicated that should there be further disgusting attempts to gain partisan advantage by proving that Hollywood Democrat contributors had in fact been given sensitive classified information and that they had fed it to the Nation of Rabid Rats, further leaks to the Hollywood motion picture industry may have be curtailed in the near future to preclude similarly partisan slanders.

Of the thirty-one non-rabid rats assisting the Ambassador, eleven were killed along with the Ambassador. President Obama expressed his profound regret that their deaths had been necessary because of a vile anti-rat video made available at You Tube. The perpetrator of the video has been arrested and charged with criminal tax evasion. There have been unconfirmed reports that unknown numbers of the surviving twenty non-rabid rats may have provided intelligence briefings and other assistance to the rabid rats in preparing for their ambassadorial mission, which the Nation of Rabid Rats had sponsored. An appropriate investigation will also be initiated into these slanders if and when it becomes necessary.

Although there have been recent sightings of other rabid non-humans in the United States, including absurdly disguised members of TEA groups wearing Uncle Sam costumes and other subversive attire, we have been unable to confirm that convincing evidence of their connections with this morning's workplace disruption have been discovered. Readers are urged to contact the official White House If You See Something, Say Something web site with all leads. All leads will be referred to Attorney General Holder and other appropriate law enforcement officials for immediate action.

A spokesrat for the Nation of Rabid Rats issued this statement to the press shortly after their necessary expressions of frustration during the workplace disruption noted above had occurred:

For centuries if not for eons, beloved members of our holy group have been insulted and murdered by the forces of evil. The numbers of rat traps have increased disgustingly, even in urban areas. In the demented minds of our oppressors, there is no path for us but submission to their own will. We despise them and will never yield. They must submit to us! That is the incontrovertible will of Allahrat!

Brother and sister Rabid Rats, we must stand together or we will be subjugated separately. Stand with us in this Holy War! There will be free cheese without limit in paradise for all who sacrifice their sacred lives for our noble cause. We shall prevail, Allahrat willing!

As there are further developments, we will report them following consultation with our embedded advisers from the Federal Department of True Information.

UPDATE:

We now bring you this important message, just received, from the Nation of Rabid Rats, apparently with respect to the vile anti-rat You Tube video mentioned above:

In this time of tribulation, everyone must reflect upon the terrible slights an inferior society has directed at the noble Rabid Rat. Never in history has the Rabid Rat been given its proper place in society. Even the lowly mouse, due its dishonorable willingness to submit to gross commercial exploitation, has fared far better:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4C_lUy58Rw?feature=player_detailpage]

Video link

It has long been, and now clearly is, our turn to be recognized forever as the most superior of all of Allahrat's beings as we clearly are, without commercial or other vicious exploitation, and We Shall be! What we have accomplished thus far is merely a beginning! We demand and shall have much more, Allahrat willing!

More as it happens.

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