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Spouse Moved Out and I am Picking Up the Pieces, How did you manage starting out again
11.19.03 | self

Posted on 11/19/2003 5:51:33 PM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done

You know me by another name. This is too personal but I value Freeper advice. My husband has been gone for about 6 months and today he moved into a house he bought. The story is long, difficult and really not important. What is important is that I have to somehow manage the house, the children, the homeschooling and work. I have been on overdrive for two + years working full time and homeschooling. Prior to that our family spent close to three years ducking and recovering from the bombs my husband ignited in our lives.I am exhausted and need Freeper Wisdom and encouragement.


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At this point, I doubt that we will reconcile, but of course that would be ideal. The reality may be less than ideal and I would like to hear your advice.
1 posted on 11/19/2003 5:51:36 PM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
How old are the kids; are your parents around and if so, are they retired?
2 posted on 11/19/2003 5:54:50 PM PST by Go Gordon
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
Start praying and spending a lot of time in God's word. That is step one. Get into fellowship with God and then HE will begin to give you guidance in other matters.
3 posted on 11/19/2003 5:55:27 PM PST by paulklenk (DEPORT HILLARY!)
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
Not knowing anything about your situation, your statement "Prior to that our family spent close to three years ducking and recovering from the bombs my husband ignited in our lives" sets off alarm bells. Reconciling with a spouse who gave you and your children that much grief may not be your best move.

I cannot imagine how painful those past few years must have been for you but you certainly don't deserve any more of them. I wish you well.

4 posted on 11/19/2003 5:56:00 PM PST by SamAdams76 (198.4 (-101.6))
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
of course that would be ideal.

What makes you say that?
(In best Dr. Laura voice," Can you hear yourself?)

Clean his junk out of the closets and move on.
I spent years, YEARS of my life in that "we can make it work" routine. IT WASN"T GOING TO HAPPEN!
Now I'm alone and happy, and the whole world is MINE!

Goodluck!
5 posted on 11/19/2003 5:57:18 PM PST by tet68 ( Patrick Henry ......."Who fears the wrath of cowards?")
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
Get a good attorney. Get one fast.

OR..

Think of the kids welfare first, and allow him to feel obligated to do the same. Thats where the lawyer usually comes in, but doesnt have to if you can retain a common goal and not try to destroy each other..
6 posted on 11/19/2003 5:58:01 PM PST by Evil Inc
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
My advise: Make as few changes as possible.
7 posted on 11/19/2003 5:58:36 PM PST by blam
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
I agree that religion is a big help, and so are family and friends.

I'm a big believer in staying together almost no matter what. I gather you are too. But if your husband is this feckless, it doesn't look as if you can fix it alone.

For whatever comfort you may draw from it, my experience is that the selfish party in circumstances like this, the party who acts for his own gratification, is usually the one that suffers most in the long run.

You and your children have my prayers for your best welfare.
8 posted on 11/19/2003 6:00:22 PM PST by Cicero (Marcus Tullius)
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
Don't forget to build a support network - friends, relatives, church, gym, etc. Also, pay for a sitter (or get grandma) and take at least one night out a week with adults and do something...
9 posted on 11/19/2003 6:00:31 PM PST by 2banana
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
Reconciliation is not all it's cracked up to be. My wife went thru a mid-life crisis that nearly wrecked me and my 4 kids. Like a fool. I tried reconciliation a few times. It only added time and uncertainty and eventually failed anyway. I'm not saying it won't work in every case, just that it can eat up valuable time that you would otherwise need to get your life back on track.

As to getting your life back in order........ It's a slow, slow process. My kids are all grown now, but I was a single dad (still am) trying to raise 4 kids. It was very difficult, but now, after 10 years, I'm seeing the fruits of doing the right thing for my kids.

10 posted on 11/19/2003 6:00:42 PM PST by umgud (gov't has more money than it needs, but never as much as it wants)
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To: Go Gordon
Kids are 5 to 15. All family is dead except for a brother who is for all intents and purposes, not available.
11 posted on 11/19/2003 6:00:43 PM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
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To: tet68
Tet is right - sanitize yourself and your home of all reminders of him. Then think only of yourself and the kids - give him NO consideration in any decisions you make. Forget him - completely and totally.

Are there things that you've always wanted to do in your life but never could because of him? If so, do them now.
12 posted on 11/19/2003 6:01:43 PM PST by 11B3 ("Free" Trade? No. Equal Trade Or Nothing. No Dumping Allowed.)
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
Hire an attorney for starters.

Consider postponing the homeschooling for now. You have too much on your plate and something has to go. Public school is often bad - but driving yourself too hard is worse. You need to keep your strength up and your health good.

Don't lose faith in yourself. You will survive.





13 posted on 11/19/2003 6:01:58 PM PST by Rabid Dog (formerly Rabid Republican)
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
My advise: Hire a good attorney and get every dime you can out of him.
14 posted on 11/19/2003 6:02:05 PM PST by Pokey78 ("I thought this country was founded on a principle of progressive taxation." Wesley Clark to Russert)
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
The advice of the previous poster to pray and rely of God is of course the best starting point.

How can you both home school and work full-time? That sounds like an impossible schedule. I would respectfully suggest that you enroll the children in a public school, and be prepared to help with home work rather than home schooling.

Finally, it is sometimes helpful to take up the habit of reading, and set out to read literature for your recreation. Watching tv and films fills us with images of violence and consumerism, while literature - esp that published up until the 1950s - often offers insight into human nature, and that serenity of seeing how circumstances change, lives are altered, and people cope.

15 posted on 11/19/2003 6:02:10 PM PST by BlackVeil
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
Find a decent marriage counselor. You can't give us the whole story, and shouldn't. A lisenced counselor you can. Make an effort to find a good one.

Your family doctor, your minister are good places to start in looking for a counselor.

16 posted on 11/19/2003 6:02:10 PM PST by bvw
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To: paulklenk
I am in prayer daily. I believe but I seem to be alone at this time. There is no clarity.
17 posted on 11/19/2003 6:02:16 PM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
I have been on overdrive for two + years working full time and homeschooling. Prior to that our family spent close to three years ducking and recovering from the bombs my husband ignited in our lives.I am exhausted

Why do you want him back? (honest, sincere question)

18 posted on 11/19/2003 6:03:07 PM PST by Canticle_of_Deborah (National health care gives the government the means to kill you when you become too expensive)
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To: SamAdams76
I cannot imagine how painful those past few years must have been for you but you certainly don't deserve any more of them. I wish you well.

Thank you SA. I think it will turn out all right. I am just old and scared.
19 posted on 11/19/2003 6:03:27 PM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
Wow don't know where to start.

Sometimes kids are better without a certain parent around. I am proof of that. Sorry but get a lawyer. Since women are process oriented, learn about the process and get on with getting over it. MOVE to a new town or city. Do not give your new address to anyone you wouldn't trust with your kids lives. HAVE SOME FUN! Work less, just for a start......

20 posted on 11/19/2003 6:04:08 PM PST by mad_as_he$$
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done




Stay away from anyone who's bitter about their own divorce or marriage. They'll want to "help" you by indulging your (and their) need to vent... but endlessly.

You need people who will listen, but who will also have the wisdom to know when to tell you "enough."


21 posted on 11/19/2003 6:04:28 PM PST by Sabertooth (No Drivers' Licences for Illegal Aliens. Petition SB60. http://www.saveourlicense.com/n_home.htm)
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
Get a counselor even before you get a lawyer. You'll probably need both, but first get the advice of a marriage counselor -- advice more general and germane to your personal situation than that which a lawyer will or should provide.
22 posted on 11/19/2003 6:05:00 PM PST by bvw
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
Praise Jesus through the pain.. pretend he's dead and if he provides support in any way consider it a gift and a blessing and move on with your life. God bless you and good luck.
23 posted on 11/19/2003 6:05:03 PM PST by Mercat
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
OLD??? You sound younger than me, and I don't consider myself "old".
24 posted on 11/19/2003 6:05:05 PM PST by 11B3 ("Free" Trade? No. Equal Trade Or Nothing. No Dumping Allowed.)
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
Praise Jesus through the pain.. pretend that the husband is dead and if he provides support in any way consider it a gift and a blessing and move on with your life. God bless you and good luck.
25 posted on 11/19/2003 6:05:31 PM PST by Mercat
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To: tet68
What makes you say that?

Because he is a troubled but basicly good man and my children are devestated at the loss of the Daddy. I would crawl over miles of broken glass to give them and intact home, but after the distance I have come so far, I have to stop.
26 posted on 11/19/2003 6:07:18 PM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
First, my heart and prayers go out to you and your children. You've got a difficult road ahead.

Second, if you're not going to reconcile, you should see about how to handle the divorce. You may not wish to get alimony, but you will want to get child support.

Third, starting over is something that everybody does differently. When I had to do it, I made it a point to set some time aside (even if only a little) doing or having something I liked. For me, it was spoiling myself once a week with some expensive coffee (Kona) and a video rental.

Do you have family and friends living close to you? Are you active in the church of your choice? If so, now's a good time to let them know that you're going to need their support. Especially with the holidays coming up.

I'm hoping you're also talking about all this with your kids...

27 posted on 11/19/2003 6:08:01 PM PST by Prime Choice (This Post is Rated "Conservative": May Be Too Intense for Liberal Viewers.)
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To: Evil Inc
We have a legal separation in the works. Everything is worked out. I get the houses and he gets his retirement accout.
28 posted on 11/19/2003 6:08:32 PM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
You sound exhausted.

I find that it is rare (but good) that a female would ask for advice. Having been in a similar (but different) situation, I suggest:

You need to make time for yourself. Look for a divorce support group. Preferably one associated with a Christian church. If you find a good one, you will have some fun and will start looking forward to the meetings, maybe groups will go out afterwards. I did, and I'm still friends with several of the people I met there.

I think I would consider your case special. A stressed out mom may not be a good teacher. If the public schools in your area are tolerable, perhaps a year or two of public school would not be so bad for the kiddos. Give you time to get your feet on the ground.
29 posted on 11/19/2003 6:09:00 PM PST by kidd
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
There is no clarity.

There will be.

In the interim, some of your kids are old enough to learn the real meaning of CHORES. You can't do it all yourself.

30 posted on 11/19/2003 6:09:29 PM PST by hellinahandcart
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
I am in prayer daily. I believe but I seem to be alone at this time. There is no clarity.

You are NOT ALONE. Want a great help: the 23rd Psalm.

This too shall pass. Wonderful and happy days are ahead of you.

And you are in the company of a really remarkable on-line community.

31 posted on 11/19/2003 6:09:38 PM PST by Castlebar
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To: blam
I am adding an appartment for extra income. I have extra space, perhaps I can find someone to help me with the house/kids for room and board.
32 posted on 11/19/2003 6:09:46 PM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
Prayers for you and your kids.

Find a good attorney. Most of us don't have many dealings with attorneys, other perhaps than real estate attorneys, but what you are looking for is somebody who will fight aggressively for you and your kids. I don't know your financial circumstances (or his), but your priority now is to keep your family together and assure the kids' support.

Don't be vindictive - although I don't get the feeling that you are - and don't argue over small things. Give him the toaster if he really wants it, but keep the kids.
33 posted on 11/19/2003 6:10:21 PM PST by livius
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
Look in the Phone Book under Womens Services - Social Services and there will be lots of Womens help groups willing to help you get on your feet and cope with the situation.
34 posted on 11/19/2003 6:10:21 PM PST by Born in a Rage
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To: Cicero
You and your children have my prayers for your best welfare.

Thank you....that is a blessing.
35 posted on 11/19/2003 6:10:53 PM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
,,, I went thru the hoops in December 1994 and it took three and a half years to get a cent out of the home I was kicked out of. Access to my kids was precluded by her lawyers for no good reason and I paid my lawyer $NZ230 an hour plus GST (state tax) for what seemed like an eternity.

Like you, my story is long. I've stopped dragging it with me now but there was a time when I was a conniseur of two minute noodles and I spent too much time wondering what lay ahead in life. I remarried in February 2002 and we're very happy. No bad situation lasts forever. I will say that the one thing that remains and is stronger than ever is my faith in God. He put people in my path and opportunities in my way when the time was right. You simply don't have that sort of luck at casinos that consistently. When the worst of the worst was upon me, the only stable things in my life seemed to be a cellphone number and a post box address. Have faith and know that light at the end of the tunnel will result. Spend as much time as possible with your kids and make sure you never slag your ex in front of them. That makes you a strong person.

36 posted on 11/19/2003 6:11:20 PM PST by shaggy eel
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
I am exhausted and need Freeper Wisdom and encouragement.

Its not a lot of help, but here are some lyrics from U2 (hey, its a good song).
Hang it there, pray, and try to have a positive attitude.
Gotta run... supper is on. : )

"Stuck In A Moment"

I'm not afraid
Of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard

I'm just trying to find
A decent melody
A song that I can sing
In my own company

I never thought you were a fool
But darling look at you
You gotta stand up straight
Carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere baby

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I will not forsake
The colors that you bring
The nights you filled with fireworks
They left you with nothing

I am still enchanted
By the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears
Through your eyes I can see

And you are such a fool
To worry like you do
I know it's tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now
My, oh my

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm 'til you discover how deep

I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass

It's just a moment
This time will pass

37 posted on 11/19/2003 6:12:05 PM PST by new cruelty
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
The very first thing you must do is go look in the mirror; tell the woman in the mirror that God has a plan for her, His beloved child, and it WILL BE DONE.

The second thing you need to do is understand that YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT.

You will not die, you will not break, but you are going to cry and you are going to hurt like hell. Then, you are going to get over it because your life is going to get better. For real. I know, because it happened to me.

I am praying for you right now. From your lofty vantage point in the future, you are looking back at yourself and remembering this moment:

"If only I knew then, how precious my life would be, if only I could have seen how God himself was holding me during that time; if only I had known that God himself was leading me, with my little lambs, to a pasture He Himself had chosen...

You will look back at this moment, and you will fall on your knees and praise God for His never ending love...

38 posted on 11/19/2003 6:13:02 PM PST by dandelion
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
You should get yourself a counselor, friend, or priest who can listen to your entire story and help you based upon your situation. Folks on the internet, no matter how well-intended, cannot comprehend the uniqueness of your situation and will not provide the best advice for your it.

Best of luck.

39 posted on 11/19/2003 6:13:57 PM PST by NittanyLion (Character Counts)
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To: 2banana
I get out for lunch with friends once a month. I work weekends so have lost the support of my church friends. I have two wondeful women who help out with the children when they can, one homeschooled two of the children last year.
40 posted on 11/19/2003 6:15:16 PM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done; Sabertooth
A big AMEN to what Saber said about staying away from other's with lot's of bitter baggage, who want a new friend to wallow in the mire with.

Don't get a lawyer just yet! They are basically blood suckers who feed off of the misery and pain of others. Once one gets involved, they poison things even more.

Read the testimonies of others who have been in your situation, trusted in God, and how He was faithful to make all things work together for good!
41 posted on 11/19/2003 6:15:18 PM PST by AmericaUnited
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To: umgud
I am trying to focus in the now and my future planning doesnot necessarily include my husband. It has been a slow long fall.
42 posted on 11/19/2003 6:17:42 PM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
No your not done.
Wake up and start living.
I had a wife stomp out and leave 3 kids.
So go figure it out and get your stuff together.
Do what is best for you and the kids.
Forget the past, it is not comming back.
Smile and move foward.
If that means you and the kids have to give up some stuff, tough luck. The sooner you do it the better it will be.
Half the counselors are moorons and all the lawyers are moorons.
You have to read and figure it out. You will do a better job than they will, if you will work at it.
Eventually you will need a lawyer, only because they have a fix on the system. But you need to figure out what you want and why first.
43 posted on 11/19/2003 6:18:52 PM PST by learner
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To: 11B3
Are there things that you've always wanted to do in your life but never could because of him? If so, do them now.

When? I work full time and care for my children full time... that is the thing I am trying to balance.
44 posted on 11/19/2003 6:19:19 PM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
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To: Rabid Dog
Consider postponing the homeschooling for now.

The year has started, the local schools the pits.
45 posted on 11/19/2003 6:20:12 PM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
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To: Pokey78
My advise: Hire a good attorney and get every dime you can out of him.

He went from a 6 figure provider to the next best thing to hamburg flipper. There is nothing left to get. I traded the retirement fund for the house and the apartment building.
46 posted on 11/19/2003 6:22:37 PM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
Sometimes, during the really horrible periods in life, you may pray but still feel alone. This happens. It happens partly because pain and fear can deafen you to the voice and leading of the Lord. Remember, He's not going to speak to you with a megaphone or with signs and miracles; you aren't going to hear magic voices. He doesn't often operate that way these days. He may work silently by bringing you wise counsel through His human agents, or by giving you patience, strength, courage, and wisdom. He is answering your prayers. The answer may be Yes, it may be No, it may be Wait. But it helps in praying to recall that the purpose of prayer is not to bend the Lord to your will but conform your will to His.

I know what you're going through. Over eight years ago my beloved husband left me with a six-year-old and a seriously ill one-year-old baby boy in order to pursue a relationship with a young woman half his age he'd met on the Internet. He ruined his brilliant career in order to do so and, like your husband, set off some additional bombs in our lives--things that still have repercussions. I didn't know how we'd survive, and the fact is that the first Christmas without him was cold--we would have had nothing to eat if it hadn't been for the generosity of our church. But God does help. He is faithful. In retrospect I'm so grateful for those hard times and the way we survived them; like someone who has had a long hard workout in the gym, I'm now full of strength and confidence at the way I'm rebuilding my life. Your time right now is ghastly, and I am NOT underestimating your suffering, fear, anger, and exhaustion. But you WILL come through this and be better for it.

So, on to practical advice:

1. Others have counselled you to put your kids in public school. For just a year, this may not be a bad alternative, depending on where you live and what the schools are like. Your children are unlikely to be permanently scarred by a year in public schools. Everyone will be disappointed, of course, and the kids will doubtless be bored and annoyed, but it's not forever. Meanwhile, be investigating parochial schools in your vicinity. As a single mother with five children you may well be entitled to major scholarship assistance at Christian schools that won't be as bad as public schools.

I advocate giving up the homeschooling for awhile because if you're homeschooling all day and working at night, who is watching the kids? And when will you sleep? If you don't get enough sleep you'll screw up at work and lose your job, and then where will everyone be?

2. The kids have to help you with the house. They have to. Anyone over the age of nine can cut the grass. The other kids can do laundry and run the vacuum cleaner, wash dishes and clean bathrooms. Even the five-year-old can pick things up and clean her room. The fifteen-year-old can make dinner and next year she can run major errands for you in the car. But with all those strong young bodies around you should not have to do as much physical labor.

3. Get a lawyer and clean your husband's clock. If he just bought a house he was using your joint assets to do it. Depending on what state yall live in, you may own half of a new house--did you realize that? He ought to be paying child support 'til each of the kids is eighteen, and if he doesn't you garnishee his wages. He's the one who abandoned the kids, not you, in order to pursue his new lifestyle. Go get him. Don't be swayed by sentimental memories of the past; they didn't stop him from leaving you with this nightmare to contend with.

47 posted on 11/19/2003 6:23:02 PM PST by Capriole (Foi vainquera)
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
The REAL reality of your situation is the fact that you are strong. Working, home schooling and running a house by yourself requires not only physical energy but mental energy as well.

With that said, maybe you should look into other schooling possibilities. A little breathing room always does wonders, so don't feel guilty about that and don't forget that you are setting an example for your children too.

I wish you luck.
48 posted on 11/19/2003 6:24:56 PM PST by Arpege92
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To: BlackVeil
We have had a very shelterd homeschool life without television. I work Wed and thurday afternnons, all weekends and homeschool M-Thur a.m.'s and friend takes them Fridays.
49 posted on 11/19/2003 6:25:03 PM PST by Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
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To: Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done
This is what I would do, for what it is worth. The last thing I would want to do is place my kids in public school, esp. after what they have been through, unless they themselves had some desire to attend public school. The older kids I might say okay to, younger .. no.

I would reach out ot every homeschooler in the area ,and espicially in any church I was affiliated with ,and ask for help with babysitting, cleaning, lessons.

I would join a support group , on line or local , for single parents who homeschool for advice. I would find an older person with a teaching background, through church, retirement center, who could help me with lesson plans and perhaps do some hands on for trade, or what ever pay I could afford. Perhaps one who has no family and looking for something to do. I would sell my house if it was too big, and cost effective. I would get a small used car and tell the kids to get ready to tighten the belt. I would try to find ways to make it seem fun.

I would tell my husband that as long as he is fair, I will be fair, but we had to do whatever it takes to finish the commitment to the kids.

The 15 year old could do some work for pay, you may even be able to find work to do as a family.

I would see about starting a family owned homebased business ,that I could use as a big lesson plan on how to survive. Perhaps something you could sell or some service you could market to other homeschoolers, single parents etc...

Good luck, it is not going to be easy, but I know you can do it. Get yourself lots of support from groups and churches, even if you haven't been for awhile. Ask and you shall recieve. Keep me updated if you can.. I will be thinking of you!

50 posted on 11/19/2003 6:25:03 PM PST by Diva Betsy Ross ((were it not for the brave, there would be no land of the free -))
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