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Does Your Cat Run the House?
Cat Humor, Jokes and Laughs ^

Posted on 12/07/2003 11:41:01 AM PST by sweetliberty

Basic Rules For Cats Who Run A House

DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer it with forepaws.

Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white-furred cats go to black wool clothing. NOTE: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth.

For the guest who exclaims, "I love kitties!" be ready with aloof disdain, apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on the ankle.

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit there and stare.

HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping" otherwise known is "hampering." Some rule:

a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner to obscure the maximum amount. Pretend to doze but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. Sit on the paperwork they are working on. Roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. Embroidery and needlepoint make great hammocks.

d) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her be sure to jump at the back of the paper. They love surprises.

e) Dart out quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs; when they have something in their arms; in the dark; and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

f) When a human is attempting to "make the bed," hop on it and curl up in the center , or pounce on the sheet the human is trying to rearrange. If the human tries to ignore you by covering you with the sheets, move around and try to mess things up. Protest loudly when you're evicted.

g) Laundry presents many opportunities to hamper. Laundry fresh from the dryer is a perfect bed, since it is warm and soft. As soon as it is put down for sorting, arrange yourself for a nap. If the human removes you, keep returning until the laundry isn't warm anymore. Now it's playtime. Pounce on anything the human tries to move around for folding, especially socks and nylons. For added fun, grab a sock and hide under the bed with it.

PLAY: This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed below are several cat games. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.

4.1 GAMES:
a) Catch Mouse: The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Maybe YOU can be the first.
b) King of the Hill: This game must be played with at least one other cat. Sleeping humans are the hill which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must consider the unstable playing field.

WARNING: Playing games (a) and (b) to excess will result in expulsion from the bed. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.

c) Tag: This game requires two or more cats and may include a dog. One cat is It. The other(s) chase him around the house until they catch up. Then follows the Scrimmage, after which the cat who caught the other becomes It and is chased around. Great fun but has the greatest potential for loss of dignity from maneuvers such as the Non-Carpeted Floor Skid and the Throw Rug Wipeout. Whenever such a situation occurs, all felines must immediately wash themselves. Dogs are generally too stupid to do this and may continue to play. In this case, the dog automatically becomes It and should be subjected to the Pileup.

d) Tube Mouse: This is a game played in the bathroom. Next to the Big White Drinking Bowl is a roll of soft white paper which is artfully attached to the wall so that it can spin. Inside this roll is the Tube Mouse. When you grab the paper, the Tube Mouse will spin frantically as it tries to escape from you. When the Mouse is exposed, it dies of fright and stops spinning.

4.2 TOYS: Any small item. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means it is a Valuable Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look outraged when the human takes it away. Watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. Below are listed several types of cat toys.

a) Bright shiny things like keys, brooches or coins should be hidden so the other cat(s) and humans can't play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.

b) Dangling and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at, all costs. Note that playing with shoelaces when the human is trying to tie them is a great source of Hampering.

c) Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see, but you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any cat you find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match.

FOOD: Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed "NOW" and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.

b) The best times to inform humans of your dish's emptiness are when they are unable to ignore you, such as when they are sleeping or on the toilet.

c) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent - your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave.

SCRATCHING POSTS: It is advised that cats use anything which is most useful to you. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no!

WATER: Dripping taps are the best sources of fresh water. Toilets are the next best. It is imperative that any sound of running water be investigated immediately for a possible drink. A plaintive meow and licking the faucet usually will get most humans to turn on the tap.

VACUUM CLEANER: This appalling Beast is known by many names, "Cat Eater" being the most prevalent. Humans will turn into raging monsters while under its influence, sucking up all the carefully shed cat hair and terrorizing the feline residents with evil glee. All you can do is run and hide.

Occasionally, the humans are forced to open the vacuum cleaner and remove a swollen bag from within. This is its stomach, and must be destroyed at all costs. Do not worry if the human yells at you, for the yell is really that of the Beast in pain.

SLEEPING HUMANS: It is known that sleeping humans are boring. The "direct approach" is nearly always successful in rejuvenating a dormant human. Do one of the following:

Trample, purr, meow or head-butt. If the human is being stubborn, you may have to resort to more drastic tactics, such as ripping down posters, rattling blinds, or singing at the top of your voice. Eventually the human will get up and do what you want, usually in a disgruntle manner.

MORNINGS: In order to provide for you, the humans must leave the domain every morning (usually before you take your first cat nap). To help them on their way, howl loudly, massage their scalps with your claws, or gently bounce on top of them in bed. See GAMES. The best time to do this is about 24 minutes before their alarm clock goes off. We must protect them from that blaring noise for it could ruin their hearing.

MEDICINE: The vet is where your human takes you when you are sick. The place smells funny; there are cats, dogs and awful things like needles and pills. Don't let humans cat-handle you. The following are some tips for dealing with vets and medicine.

a) When you see the carrier come out, run and hide. Once the human grabs you, struggle gamely. Splay your legs out so it is difficult to cram you into the carrier. If the human is trying to put you in with another pet, allow the other pet to bolt out the door. In the car, meow plaintively all the way to the vet's. Reach through the bars of the carrier and claw the human as s/he drives. At the vet's, once again splay your legs and brace yourself against the carrier's walls so they can't dump you out easily.

b) At home, resist attempts to feed you pills or liquid medicine. As soon as you hear the pill bottle rattle, hide. Resist attempts to open your mouth. Squirming is good. Shake your head vigorously to remove any medicine placed in your mouth. Refuse any food that smells like it may have had medicine sprinkled in it.

ILLNESS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is longer then a human's bare foot.

CONCLUSION: Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth running household.


TOPICS: Chit/Chat; Humor; Pets/Animals
KEYWORDS: catlist; catpeople; cats
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Anybody got a kitty ping list?
1 posted on 12/07/2003 11:41:02 AM PST by sweetliberty
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To: ValerieUSA; Canadian Outrage; celtic gal; Servant of the 9; Mo1; Budge; maxplunder; Tabi Katz; ...
Kitty ping!

2 posted on 12/07/2003 12:18:35 PM PST by sweetliberty (Better to keep silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.)
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To: PetroniDE
PurrPing.
3 posted on 12/07/2003 12:24:56 PM PST by martin_fierro (Ohhh... ehhh... ┐Peeka Panish?)
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To: sweetliberty
Of course my kitties run the house. Isn't that normal? ;D
4 posted on 12/07/2003 12:40:07 PM PST by hellinahandcart
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To: sweetliberty
LOL!

Thanks for adding me to the kitty ping:)

5 posted on 12/07/2003 12:43:18 PM PST by OMalley
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To: hellinahandcart
"Isn't that normal?"

Yes, but of course, not everyone is aware of this. An occasional refresher on the rules according the cat is a good idea from time to time. Saves wear and tear on the frazzled nerves of unsuspecting pet humans.

.


6 posted on 12/07/2003 12:49:09 PM PST by sweetliberty (Better to keep silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.)
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To: sweetliberty
Amazing. My cats have done every last one of those things. Everybody that knows me knows who runs this household.....and it ain't me.
7 posted on 12/07/2003 12:52:27 PM PST by WatchOutForSnakes
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To: sweetliberty
Lets not forget that not only do they run the house, but we humans are expected to be mind readers!

my little guy will huff and puff and sigh until i figure it out. If i happen to be to slow that day, its followed by a scowl and tail flick, a fly by is sometimes effective too;)
8 posted on 12/07/2003 12:52:29 PM PST by OMalley
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To: OMalley
Cat Translation Dictinary
9 posted on 12/07/2003 12:55:03 PM PST by sweetliberty (Better to keep silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.)
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To: sweetliberty
Nope .. the dog ate the cat

Oh ok .. I never had a cat .. but the dog would chase it all over the house if I did
10 posted on 12/07/2003 1:06:22 PM PST by Mo1 (House Work, If you do it right , will kill you!)
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To: Mo1
This kitty eats dogs.

After cooking them with his gaze.

11 posted on 12/07/2003 1:16:04 PM PST by Harmless Teddy Bear (My ex is saying that I have become hostile. I wonder why Speed-bump would think that?)
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To: Budge

12 posted on 12/07/2003 2:16:18 PM PST by sweetliberty (Better to keep silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.)
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To: sweetliberty
Ahhhh. Kitties!!


The other white meat!!!
Just kidding, I don't mind well behaved indoor fuzzballs for short periods (I'm mildly alergic).
I do mind the semi-ferals that roam my nieborhood and do the usual kitty things in my flower bed, on my house and in my garden. Not to mention the damage they do to the wildlife around my house.
13 posted on 12/07/2003 2:20:15 PM PST by cavtrooper21 (PETA, just another way of saying IDIOT.....)
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To: sweetliberty
"DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer it with forepaws."

The neighbors cat who decided it was my cat knocks on my front door to get in. When inside my house though and the door to one of the bedrooms is closed he starts clawing at the carpet to get in the bedroom and I pretty much have a bare spot in my carpet now.

I am about ready to ring his neck.
I won't though because he loves me.:-)

14 posted on 12/07/2003 2:26:06 PM PST by Spunky (This little tag just keeps following me where ever I go.)
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To: Mo1
***Oh ok .. I never had a cat .. but the dog would chase it all over the house if I did***

Don't be so sure, Mo. My four-pound kitty was very helpful in teaching my Irish setter the rules of the house (cat rules, that is) and implementing them with strict observance.

When Miss Kitty was locked out, the dog begged me to let her tormentor in. . When Kitty was sick, the dog never left her side. (Except of course to eat a whole coffee cake from the kitchen table while Kitty was disabled.)
15 posted on 12/07/2003 2:39:54 PM PST by kitkat (Purr, purr)
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To: sweetliberty
Thanks Libby - this is great!


16 posted on 12/07/2003 3:04:45 PM PST by ValerieUSA
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To: ValerieUSA
Perfect! Here's an older one of Nermal.

.


17 posted on 12/07/2003 3:08:07 PM PST by sweetliberty (Better to keep silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.)
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To: sweetliberty
Yoda "helps" or supervises my cooking by sitting on my foot every time I'm in the kitchen.
18 posted on 12/07/2003 3:19:03 PM PST by ValerieUSA
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To: ValerieUSA
Nermal has an aversion to sleeping humans and he likes to play "king of the hill" by himself. Nermal torments me whenever I am in bed any more. He thinks that any part of my face is fair game when I'm sleeping trying to sleep. I get these "love pats" all over my face, with claws slightly out (kneading style), a wet nose in the eye or against bare skin, or if he is resigning himself to another half hour in bed in the morning, he makes that announcement by sprawling his entire body across my face. He doesn't get why that doesn't work for me. As he gets older, he seems to be afflicted with "twinges." This means that any time his food dish threatens to be close to empty, he has an irresistable need to demand it be replenished. This is canned food now...his dry food dish stays full. Whereas he used to be content to have canned food twice a day, we are now up to 4 or even 5 feedings a day. I think this is to make me pay for those times when I am not here.
19 posted on 12/07/2003 3:29:39 PM PST by sweetliberty (Better to keep silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.)
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To: sweetliberty
Yoda conquered our vacuum cleaner - he is so brave when it is unplugged.

20 posted on 12/07/2003 3:33:42 PM PST by ValerieUSA
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To: sweetliberty
I love it! Yes he does.
Dogs have owners
Cats have Staff

he takes that seriously. lol
21 posted on 12/07/2003 4:10:30 PM PST by Burlem
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To: WatchOutForSnakes
Tell me about it!! By the way, I'm mailing that pound of cat hair that ended up in my suitcase back to you for Christmas!
22 posted on 12/07/2003 4:22:12 PM PST by Ima Lurker
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To: sweetliberty; sciencediet; NautiNurse; diotima
New kitty pics.

And Patriotic Super Kitty! All he needs is a cape!


23 posted on 12/07/2003 4:45:18 PM PST by abner (In search of a witty tag line... found it! http://www.intelmemo.com < go there or be square!)
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To: sweetliberty

If you don't like I run the house, then Buh-Bye!

24 posted on 12/07/2003 4:46:12 PM PST by SAMWolf (The cost of living is killing me.)
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To: abner
teehee! Have been waiting for a good opportunity to debut this one! Miss Mowie, watching Isis, watching DC, watching the Viking Kitties...


25 posted on 12/07/2003 4:53:23 PM PST by NautiNurse (Everyone is born right handed. Only the exceptionally gifted overcome it.)
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To: NautiNurse
That's great! I wonder how many more cats we can fit on that photo??? Maybe when little Trouble gets a little bigger. ...
26 posted on 12/07/2003 4:56:22 PM PST by abner (In search of a witty tag line... found it! http://www.intelmemo.com < go there or be square!)
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To: abner
Your new kitten is adorable! Great flying photo.

Miss Mowie is post-operative following her tubal ligation Thursday. New twist from the veterinarian--put her on antibiotics for a week. The antibiotic drops are spiked with pain medicine. It's great stuff. She's been back to tearing up the Christmas tree since yesterday.

27 posted on 12/07/2003 5:02:41 PM PST by NautiNurse (Everyone is born right handed. Only the exceptionally gifted overcome it.)
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To: sweetliberty

This is Britney (the cat, not the pop-tart).

When she gets big she will EAT you!

28 posted on 12/07/2003 5:10:40 PM PST by LibKill (You are not sheeple. Refuse to be clipped.)
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To: LibKill
What a great snarl!
29 posted on 12/07/2003 5:17:06 PM PST by ValerieUSA
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To: Harmless Teddy Bear

30 posted on 12/07/2003 5:19:31 PM PST by ValerieUSA
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To: abner

31 posted on 12/07/2003 5:21:45 PM PST by ValerieUSA
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To: ValerieUSA
What a great snarl!

Indeed. 0.25 seconds after that I was running for dear life!

Beware! She's still out there, somewhere.

32 posted on 12/07/2003 5:24:45 PM PST by LibKill (You are not sheeple. Refuse to be clipped.)
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To: NautiNurse
Here is Her Royal Highness the Queen of Siam

33 posted on 12/07/2003 5:24:58 PM PST by ValerieUSA
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To: ValerieUSA; abner
Ernie wishes everyone a Merry Christmas...


34 posted on 12/07/2003 5:29:43 PM PST by NautiNurse (Everyone is born right handed. Only the exceptionally gifted overcome it.)
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To: abner
Absolutely adorable!

My cats know the rules listed above. Their favorite is the hairball manuever. Today's feline dilemma: Leather sofas or scratching post?
35 posted on 12/07/2003 5:38:31 PM PST by diotima
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To: diotima
Leather sofas or scratching post?

What does Bob say???

36 posted on 12/07/2003 5:48:12 PM PST by abner (In search of a witty tag line... found it! http://www.intelmemo.com < go there or be square!)
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To: 4catsinmaryland; abner; Aeronaut; Allegra; alnick; Bahbah; balrog666; Bella_Bru; BlueLancer; ...
Kitty Humor Ping.
37 posted on 12/07/2003 5:51:35 PM PST by PetroniDE (Kitty Is My Master - I Do What She Says)
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To: abner
Let's not ping him to the thread to find out. ;^)
38 posted on 12/07/2003 5:55:57 PM PST by diotima
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To: ValerieUSA; secret garden; Capriole; xsmommy
Dogs rule my life.

I had a hard time keeping the tinfoil hats on the dogs. Mine's on most of the time.

39 posted on 12/07/2003 6:06:37 PM PST by CholeraJoe (Daddy, how many US soldiers have to die in defense of Freedom? Daughter, if necessary, all but 9.)
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To: MaggieMay
Meow, meow.
40 posted on 12/07/2003 6:07:25 PM PST by Lucy Lake
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To: CholeraJoe
Tinfoil Santa hat! Perfect!
41 posted on 12/07/2003 6:19:59 PM PST by ValerieUSA
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To: sweetliberty
For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

This is the one that gets me. The Queen of the Universe will be invisible for hours while I cook/clean/putter. No sooner do I plop on the couch and open a book and she magically appears and slips in between my book and face. "Whatcha doin?"

If I'm actually watching TV, she won't show up. It's got to be a book.

42 posted on 12/07/2003 6:27:55 PM PST by meowmeow
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To: JustAmy
Got any kitty graphics for this thread?
43 posted on 12/07/2003 6:44:21 PM PST by ValerieUSA
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To: sweetliberty
Addition to HAMPERING:

h) Sit or lie in the most heavily traveled pathway in your house. Protest loudly if you are stepped on or stumbled over. If a human attempts to avoid you, move quickly in front of them at the last possible second so they cannot miss you. Protest loudly and/or bite them as they stumble and fall!
44 posted on 12/07/2003 6:46:27 PM PST by SwinneySwitch (Freedom isn't Free - Support those who ensure it!)
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To: ValerieUSA
Oh, that's a pretty girl.
45 posted on 12/07/2003 6:47:25 PM PST by alnick
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To: SwinneySwitch
LOL!
46 posted on 12/07/2003 6:48:11 PM PST by sweetliberty (Better to keep silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.)
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To: sweetliberty
My poor cat Sam has spent the last two days sneezing his stripes off. I'm in cedar country in the Texas Hill country. Anybody know if cats get allergies that make them sneeze? He looks sooooooo wierd when he sneezes. Lips draw up in a snarl and then mega-explosions. Any advice?
47 posted on 12/07/2003 6:52:27 PM PST by squarebarb
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To: squarebarb
See if this is any use:

Allergies in Cats

48 posted on 12/07/2003 6:56:46 PM PST by sweetliberty (Better to keep silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.)
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To: squarebarb
Here's another with links to several articles.

Allergies

49 posted on 12/07/2003 6:59:33 PM PST by sweetliberty (Better to keep silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.)
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To: squarebarb
My mother-in-law had a cat with the bad habit of cruising the dining room table. One day she got up there and took a big whiff of the pepper shaker. She sneezed herself backwards right off of the table and down the hallway.
50 posted on 12/07/2003 7:03:22 PM PST by ValerieUSA
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