WANTED: Good Come-backs and Put-downs

Me | 12/28/03 | ILBBACH

[ILBBACH]

I have a cousin who had throat cancer and had half his tongue removed as well as other tissue in this throat. Needless to say, he doesn't speak well at all and is usually very frustrated.

However, the doctors were unable to remove his sense of humor. He is the same smart-@ss he was before, and still has a sardonic and acerbic wit.

For a (belated) Christmas present, I would like to give him a set of business cards that have come-backs and put-downs on them.

I know he would love it, and I'll tell you - the nastier, the better!

I thought this would be the best place to find such information, considering that you are the most witty and creative people I know!

If you think your contribution is really "bad," Freepmail me (and don't worry about shocking me, my dad was in the Marines for almost 40 years)!

[ILBBACH]

This should be fun as well as informative!

[ILBBACH]

It was your post...

Just remember this... The Lord loves you, but the rest of us think you're an a$$hole...

...that inspired my idea.

Please pass this on to those you know who could also be "inspirational!"

[68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub]

YOUR Wit and Humor needed PING
Take a moment and read this thread.
Please keep in mind that this is a family forum.

ILBBACH : This should be an interesting thread!

[Brad’s Gramma]

Well now, I'll have to sleep on this.....but DO have fun!!!!

[JackelopeBreeder]

Two of my favorites:

"So tell me, did your parents have the same last name before they were married?"

"You evidently suffer from delusions of adequacy."

[Mo1]

Hmmmmm .. let's see ... nasty??

One I always use is .. Common Sense it not so Common

Another one is .. Did you go to school to be an idiot or were you just born that way?


A friend sent this to me .. "It's always nice to know your dearest friends secretly believe you capable of snapping and going postal at any moment..."

[Oorang]

"I can be more uncivilized than you"

"Are you always an a***ole or do you just save it up for special days"

[glock rocks]

"You obviously overestimated my interest."

[onyx]

Top ten really mean put-downs:

10. I’d like you better if you were a corpse.

9. Just because you have an opinion doesn’t mean it’s correct.

8. When I think about things I’d like to do, the thing I think about most often is throwing a hair dryer in the bathtub with you.

7. I’d listen more closely to what you have to say, but I keep getting distracted by all the flying diarrhea.

6. Children and animals are scared of you for very good reasons.

5. My sympathies to your mother.

4. Sorry about the lack-of-brainpower thing. Gosh, that must be hard to live with.

3. I can tell your parents must have done like a ton of acid before you were born.

2. Don’t ask me, ask your lover—Satan.

1. Your life sucks because you suck.

Honorable mentions:

God’s ashamed about you. He’d like to take you back and try again.

On the Internet no one knows you’re a dog. Wait, actually, we all do know that about you, it’s just that we’re too polite to mention it.

If you don’t have low self-esteem, you should.

Don’t be paranoid. We’re not all out to get you. We don’t care nearly enough.

The reason you have a headache is because God is trying to kill you slowly.

You’re the reason no one wants human cloning.

Your momma called. She said, “Die, you unnatural freak of nature.”

I guess it’s a blessing you don’t know how ugly you are.

I used to like you, but then I stopped shooting up.

FROM: http://inessential.com/2001/12/28.php

[Mo1]

LOL .. I like that one

[Cultural Jihad]

During the early days of the republic, Henry Clay encountered his ancient foe, John Randolph, on a narrow sidewalk, bordering a muddy street, a quagmire of hay, horse manure, and chicken droppings. Randolph, who was wearing a gun and was accompanied by two bodyguards, said, ``I never step aside for scoundrels.''

Clay considered the odds for a moment, and then, stepping aside, said, ``I always do.''

[Rockitz]

I found a whole website on this subject, but it's on my fave list at work. Pinging myself for a reminder tomorrow.

[trussell]

I may sound funny, but you're UGLY and I can keep MY mouth shut.

I may be fat but your UGLY and I can diet.

[Radix]

So, you really think that half a tongue is better then none? Well, I don't want to talk about it.

 

Remember the good old days, when you really cared about my opinions?

Hey Doc, that is not a knife, this is a knife!

 

I once knew a guy who was a semi-pro wrestler. One day he lost a fight, and his arm was twisted really bad. His elbow came to be shaped like an Ess. Now he cannot tell his Ess from his elbow, and the doctors were unable to remove his sense of humor.

[ILBBACH]

Thanks, girlfriend!

Those are priceless!

[ILBBACH]

So, you really think that half a tongue is better then none? Well, I don't want to talk about it.

WE HAVE A WINNER!!!

[Entropy Squared]

I like:

"You need to upgrade your information sources."

[DaughterOfAnIwoJimaVet]

Pinging some of the funniest guys on FR...

[ILBBACH]

Damn, girl - you're all over it, aren't you!!!

[ETERNAL WARMING]

When we were teenagers in NJ, we had a saying that never fails to make my kids hoot..."Go Scratch!" It means...go scratch your a$$ or go to h.

[Yehuda]

And you pinged me to this because....


(:>)

[dpa5923]

One of my favortives:

Your upbringing is showing.

[dpa5923]

favortives = favorites

Also try:

God hates you.

and

Why are you making God cry?

[ILBBACH]

How 'bout some oldies but goodies? The only one I can think of off hand is:

Kiss your mother with that mouth?

[ILBBACH]

Excellent!

[Yehuda]

a/ I don't like to pick on the intellectually handicapped...

b/ It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

c/ I'd like to help you out; which way did you come in?

d/ Save your breath. I hear you'll need it to blow up your date.

[ILBBACH]

I may sound funny, but you're UGLY and I can keep MY mouth shut.

PERFECT!!!

[Centurion2000]

bump

[My Dog Likes Me]

Here's a good one-

"Squeeze your head so I can see the s**t squirt outta your ears!"

[boxerblues]

If you had another brain it would get lonesome..cause the one you got ain't worth a d@mn

You don't have enough common sense to get a headache

[MeekOneGOP]

Regarding 'opinions', my late Uncle Claude used to say:

Opinions are like a**holes. Everybody's got one, and they all stink !

[Lazamataz]

• Hey, don't be depressed..... Cartman's mom is a crack whore too....
• Jesus just phoned. He hates you after all.
• If you ever become a (mother/father), can I have one of the puppies?
• Without imported made-in-Gaywana latex Richard Simmons life-size dolls with silicon-filled gyrating c***s, you wouldn't have any sex life at all.
• You're better at sex than anyone - all you needs is a partner.
• It's well-known you are very polite. You thank your (dad/mom) every time you have sex.

[Lazamataz]

• You look like a dwarf who's been dipped in a bucket of pubic hair.
• Your face is filled with broken Commandments.
• Nature played a cruel trick on you -- you lived.
• You are living proof that aborigines screw kangaroos.
• You look like a million dollars - all green and wrinkly.

[Lazamataz]

• Does your face hurt? Cuz it's killing me.
• What are you going to do for a face when the monkey wants his ass back?
• You know what I like about your face? Me neither.
• Is that a wart on your tongue, or did you bring your wife?

[NYCop]

You're depriving some village of a good idiot

[tacticalogic]

If brains were gasoline, you wouldn't run a pissant's go-cart two laps around a Cheerio.

[NeoCaveman]

If you stopped talking out of your a$$ your breath still wouldn't improve.

[CGVet58]

well, these have stood the test of ages.

old Irish sayings:

" Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt "

and...

" You never get a second chance to make a first impression "


Luv them Irish "Troots"!

CGVet58

[where's_the_Outrage?]

Will Rogers never met you.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person

I see you suffer from rectal cranium inversion

If I wanted to hear from an a$$hole, I'd farted

So you're a feminist, isn't that sweet.

[IronJack]

The three Wise Men of Insult: Ambrose Bierce, Mark Twain, and Oscar Wilde. Wilde may be a bit too highbrow for most common situations, but his wit is as trenchant as his lifestyle was twisted. The other two are simply classics of American satire.

[Snowy]

Tell me, did you ride the short bus to school?

[smokeyb]

You are a good excuse for making abortions retroactive

You think this is bad ? You should see what I did to UTE and SADAAM !

Rumor has it that you hand falls asleep during sex

You are one bubble shy of level

[KC Burke]

Did your mother have any children that lived?

[Delta 21]

....that would be..."around the inside of a Cheerio".

[Junior]

Like when my buddy asked a girl to dance, and she said, "with your dog, maybe."

He replied, "I don't think so. My dog has better taste in women than I do."

[Libloather]

- Support your local Search & Rescue Unit - get lost!
- If I throw a stick, will you go away?
- You're ugly, I'm busy. Have a nice day.
- How many times do I have to flush to get rid of you?
- Have you ever considered becoming a missing person?
- People come and people go...and the sooner you're gone, the better.
- I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
- Excuse me, I think you are mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.
- If I give you a going away present, will you do your part?

[Libloather]

- Why don't you stick your head out the window - feet first?
- Someday you'll go too far - and I hope you stay there.
- It's nice hearing from you. Next time, just send a postcard.
- Anything goes tonight, and may you be the first.
- It was nice of you to come. When are you going?
- If you have anything else to do tonight - don't neglect it!
- Let's go someplace where we can each be alone.
- If you ever need me, please hesitate to call.
- I heard you the first time, I was just ignoring you.

[Professional Engineer]

ping

[SamAdams76]

I'll never forget the best comeback I ever made. It was in the Marines and there were these three really arrogant and smarmy Marines who used to hang out together and put everybody else down who wasn't "in their clique." They especially liked ganging up on me because I was still new to the unit and my shy nature didn't win me many friends at first. So they considered me "easy pickings" and rode me unmercifully.

Anyway, one time we are out in the field on one of those desert exercises and there was a lot of downtime so all of us are just hanging around. I'm sitting there reading a book, minding my own business, when these three guys surround me (in front of the rest of the unit) and start ragging on me.

One of them took to calling me "queer bait" and so asked me in front of the group if I thought I was "queer bait."

I innocently replied "Queer bait...you mean somebody who attracts queers, right?"

"Yeah," said the Marine, "That's what I mean."

"Well," I replied, "I've got three of them standing around me right now so I guess it must be true."

The entire unit cracked up for like five minutes. You should have seen how red their faces got! They didn't harass me too much after that.

[Corin Stormhands]

I don't know why you pinged me to this thread, you useless waste of organic material.

You're like a Happy Meal without the prize.