Free Republic
Browse · Search
General/Chat
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

WANTED: Good Come-backs and Put-downs
Me | 12/28/03 | ILBBACH

Posted on 12/28/2003 9:52:25 PM PST by ILBBACH

I have a cousin who had throat cancer and had half his tongue removed as well as other tissue in this throat. Needless to say, he doesn't speak well at all and is usually very frustrated.

However, the doctors were unable to remove his sense of humor. He is the same smart-@ss he was before, and still has a sardonic and acerbic wit.

For a (belated) Christmas present, I would like to give him a set of business cards that have come-backs and put-downs on them.

I know he would love it, and I'll tell you - the nastier, the better!

I thought this would be the best place to find such information, considering that you are the most witty and creative people I know!

If you think your contribution is really "bad," Freepmail me (and don't worry about shocking me, my dad was in the Marines for almost 40 years)!


TOPICS: Chit/Chat; Humor; Miscellaneous; Weird Stuff
KEYWORDS:
Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first 1-5051-89 next last
This should be fun as well as informative!
1 posted on 12/28/2003 9:52:25 PM PST by ILBBACH
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | View Replies]

To: CommandoFrank
It was your post...

Just remember this... The Lord loves you, but the rest of us think you're an a$$hole...

...that inspired my idea.

Please pass this on to those you know who could also be "inspirational!"

2 posted on 12/28/2003 9:56:10 PM PST by ILBBACH
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: ILBBACH; Kathy in Alaska; MoJo2001; LindaSOG; LaDivaLoca; Fawnn; Bethbg79; bentfeather; ...
YOUR Wit and Humor needed PING
Take a moment and read this thread.
Please keep in mind that this is a family forum.


ILBBACH : This should be an interesting thread!
3 posted on 12/28/2003 10:08:11 PM PST by 68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub (All your taglines are belong to us.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: ILBBACH
Well now, I'll have to sleep on this.....but DO have fun!!!!
4 posted on 12/28/2003 10:14:25 PM PST by Bradís Gramma (Happy Birthday, Jesus!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: 68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub
Two of my favorites:

"So tell me, did your parents have the same last name before they were married?"

"You evidently suffer from delusions of adequacy."
5 posted on 12/28/2003 10:14:31 PM PST by JackelopeBreeder (Proud to be a loco gringo armed vigilante terrorist cucaracha!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 3 | View Replies]

To: 68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub; ILBBACH
Hmmmmm .. let's see ... nasty??

One I always use is .. Common Sense it not so Common

Another one is .. Did you go to school to be an idiot or were you just born that way?


A friend sent this to me .. "It's always nice to know your dearest friends secretly believe you capable of snapping and going postal at any moment..."


6 posted on 12/28/2003 10:29:09 PM PST by Mo1 (House Work, If you do it right , will kill you!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 3 | View Replies]

To: ILBBACH
"I can be more uncivilized than you"

"Are you always an a***ole or do you just save it up for special days"

7 posted on 12/28/2003 10:29:18 PM PST by Oorang (Don't tread on me)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: ILBBACH
"You obviously overestimated my interest."
8 posted on 12/28/2003 10:30:25 PM PST by glock rocks (molon labe)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: ILBBACH
Top ten really mean put-downs:

10. I’d like you better if you were a corpse.

9. Just because you have an opinion doesn’t mean it’s correct.

8. When I think about things I’d like to do, the thing I think about most often is throwing a hair dryer in the bathtub with you.

7. I’d listen more closely to what you have to say, but I keep getting distracted by all the flying diarrhea.

6. Children and animals are scared of you for very good reasons.

5. My sympathies to your mother.

4. Sorry about the lack-of-brainpower thing. Gosh, that must be hard to live with.

3. I can tell your parents must have done like a ton of acid before you were born.

2. Don’t ask me, ask your lover—Satan.

1. Your life sucks because you suck.

Honorable mentions:

God’s ashamed about you. He’d like to take you back and try again.

On the Internet no one knows you’re a dog. Wait, actually, we all do know that about you, it’s just that we’re too polite to mention it.

If you don’t have low self-esteem, you should.

Don’t be paranoid. We’re not all out to get you. We don’t care nearly enough.

The reason you have a headache is because God is trying to kill you slowly.

You’re the reason no one wants human cloning.

Your momma called. She said, “Die, you unnatural freak of nature.”

I guess it’s a blessing you don’t know how ugly you are.

I used to like you, but then I stopped shooting up.

FROM: http://inessential.com/2001/12/28.php
9 posted on 12/28/2003 10:34:54 PM PST by onyx (Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 2 | View Replies]

To: glock rocks
LOL .. I like that one
10 posted on 12/28/2003 10:35:08 PM PST by Mo1 (House Work, If you do it right , will kill you!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 8 | View Replies]

To: ILBBACH
During the early days of the republic, Henry Clay encountered his ancient foe, John Randolph, on a narrow sidewalk, bordering a muddy street, a quagmire of hay, horse manure, and chicken droppings. Randolph, who was wearing a gun and was accompanied by two bodyguards, said, ``I never step aside for scoundrels.''

Clay considered the odds for a moment, and then, stepping aside, said, ``I always do.''

11 posted on 12/28/2003 10:40:38 PM PST by Cultural Jihad
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: ILBBACH
I found a whole website on this subject, but it's on my fave list at work. Pinging myself for a reminder tomorrow.
12 posted on 12/28/2003 10:46:11 PM PST by Rockitz (After all these years, it's still rocket science.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: ILBBACH
I may sound funny, but you're UGLY and I can keep MY mouth shut.

I may be fat but your UGLY and I can diet.
13 posted on 12/28/2003 10:48:57 PM PST by trussell
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: ILBBACH
So, you really think that half a tongue is better then none? Well, I don't want to talk about it.
 
Remember the good old days, when you really cared about my opinions?

Hey Doc, that is not a knife, this is a knife!
 
I once knew a guy who was a semi-pro wrestler. One day he lost a fight, and his arm was twisted really bad. His elbow came to be shaped like an Ess. Now he cannot tell his Ess from his elbow, and the doctors were unable to remove his sense of humor.

14 posted on 12/28/2003 10:55:18 PM PST by Radix (I am just a FReeper, with a winning team..)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: onyx
Thanks, girlfriend!

Those are priceless!
15 posted on 12/28/2003 10:57:55 PM PST by ILBBACH
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 9 | View Replies]

To: Radix
So, you really think that half a tongue is better then none? Well, I don't want to talk about it.

WE HAVE A WINNER!!!

16 posted on 12/28/2003 11:00:18 PM PST by ILBBACH
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 14 | View Replies]

To: ILBBACH
I like:

"You need to upgrade your information sources."

17 posted on 12/28/2003 11:08:58 PM PST by Entropy Squared
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: martin_fierro; Chad Fairbanks; Lazamataz
Pinging some of the funniest guys on FR...
18 posted on 12/28/2003 11:18:26 PM PST by DaughterOfAnIwoJimaVet (I am in a promising local band.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: DaughterOfAnIwoJimaVet
Damn, girl - you're all over it, aren't you!!!
19 posted on 12/28/2003 11:24:18 PM PST by ILBBACH
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 18 | View Replies]

To: ILBBACH
When we were teenagers in NJ, we had a saying that never fails to make my kids hoot..."Go Scratch!" It means...go scratch your a$$ or go to h.
20 posted on 12/28/2003 11:25:35 PM PST by ETERNAL WARMING
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: 68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub
And you pinged me to this because....


(:>)
21 posted on 12/28/2003 11:26:01 PM PST by Yehuda (I'm in a freepin frame o' mind...)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 3 | View Replies]

To: ILBBACH
One of my favortives:

Your upbringing is showing.
22 posted on 12/28/2003 11:38:20 PM PST by dpa5923 (Small minds talk about people, normal minds talk about events, great minds talk about ideas.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: dpa5923
favortives = favorites

Also try:

God hates you.

and

Why are you making God cry?
23 posted on 12/28/2003 11:41:16 PM PST by dpa5923 (Small minds talk about people, normal minds talk about events, great minds talk about ideas.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 22 | View Replies]

To: All
How 'bout some oldies but goodies? The only one I can think of off hand is:

Kiss your mother with that mouth?
24 posted on 12/29/2003 12:12:58 AM PST by ILBBACH
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 23 | View Replies]

To: dpa5923

Excellent!

25 posted on 12/29/2003 12:15:40 AM PST by ILBBACH
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 23 | View Replies]

To: ILBBACH
a/ I don't like to pick on the intellectually handicapped...

b/ It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

c/ I'd like to help you out; which way did you come in?

d/ Save your breath. I hear you'll need it to blow up your date.
26 posted on 12/29/2003 12:20:00 AM PST by Yehuda (I'm in a freepin frame o' mind...)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: trussell
I may sound funny, but you're UGLY and I can keep MY mouth shut.

PERFECT!!!

27 posted on 12/29/2003 12:20:04 AM PST by ILBBACH
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 13 | View Replies]

To: ILBBACH
bump
28 posted on 12/29/2003 1:44:49 AM PST by Centurion2000 (Resolve to perform what you without fail what you resolve.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 27 | View Replies]

To: ILBBACH
Here's a good one-

"Squeeze your head so I can see the s**t squirt outta your ears!"
29 posted on 12/29/2003 2:04:50 AM PST by My Dog Likes Me
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: 68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub
If you had another brain it would get lonesome..cause the one you got ain't worth a d@mn

You don't have enough common sense to get a headache
30 posted on 12/29/2003 2:15:15 AM PST by boxerblues (If you can read this.. Thank a Teacher..If you can read this in English ..Thank a US Soldier)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 3 | View Replies]

To: ILBBACH
Regarding 'opinions', my late Uncle Claude used to say:

Opinions are like a**holes. Everybody's got one, and they all stink !


31 posted on 12/29/2003 2:39:41 AM PST by MeekOneGOP (Hillary is a TRAITOR !!: http://Richard.Meek.home.comcast.net/HitlerTraitor6.JPG)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: ILBBACH

32 posted on 12/29/2003 3:54:29 AM PST by Lazamataz (I slam, you slam, we all slam, for Islam!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: ILBBACH

33 posted on 12/29/2003 4:02:49 AM PST by Lazamataz (I slam, you slam, we all slam, for Islam!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: ILBBACH

34 posted on 12/29/2003 4:06:46 AM PST by Lazamataz (I slam, you slam, we all slam, for Islam!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lazamataz
You're depriving some village of a good idiot
35 posted on 12/29/2003 4:55:09 AM PST by NYCop (check it out http://www.ultimateamerican.com by longfellow)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 34 | View Replies]

To: 68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub
If brains were gasoline, you wouldn't run a pissant's go-cart two laps around a Cheerio.
36 posted on 12/29/2003 5:07:01 AM PST by tacticalogic (Controlled application of force is the sincerest form of communication.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 3 | View Replies]

To: ILBBACH
If you stopped talking out of your a$$ your breath still wouldn't improve.

37 posted on 12/29/2003 5:17:52 AM PST by NeoCaveman
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: ILBBACH
well, these have stood the test of ages.

old Irish sayings:

" Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt "

and...

" You never get a second chance to make a first impression "


Luv them Irish "Troots"!

CGVet58
38 posted on 12/29/2003 5:30:21 AM PST by CGVet58 (For my fellow Americans; my life... for our enemies; The Sword!!!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: ILBBACH
Will Rogers never met you.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person

I see you suffer from rectal cranium inversion

If I wanted to hear from an a$$hole, I'd farted

So you're a feminist, isn't that sweet.
39 posted on 12/29/2003 5:32:18 AM PST by where's_the_Outrage?
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: ILBBACH
The three Wise Men of Insult: Ambrose Bierce, Mark Twain, and Oscar Wilde. Wilde may be a bit too highbrow for most common situations, but his wit is as trenchant as his lifestyle was twisted. The other two are simply classics of American satire.
40 posted on 12/29/2003 5:33:30 AM PST by IronJack
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: ILBBACH
Tell me, did you ride the short bus to school?
41 posted on 12/29/2003 5:42:33 AM PST by Snowy (Let's turn the 'chatter' into 'splatter'!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: ILBBACH
You are a good excuse for making abortions retroactive

You think this is bad ? You should see what I did to UTE and SADAAM !

Rumor has it that you hand falls asleep during sex

You are one bubble shy of level

42 posted on 12/29/2003 5:47:40 AM PST by smokeyb
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: ILBBACH
Did your mother have any children that lived?
43 posted on 12/29/2003 5:55:57 AM PST by KC Burke
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 27 | View Replies]

To: tacticalogic
....that would be..."around the inside of a Cheerio".
44 posted on 12/29/2003 6:02:18 AM PST by Delta 21 ("GI" since 1980" (Trained killer in the service of the Constitution))
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 36 | View Replies]

To: ILBBACH
Like when my buddy asked a girl to dance, and she said, "with your dog, maybe."

He replied, "I don't think so. My dog has better taste in women than I do."

45 posted on 12/29/2003 6:21:10 AM PST by Junior (To sweep, perchance to clean... Aye, there's the scrub.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: ILBBACH
- Support your local Search & Rescue Unit - get lost!
- If I throw a stick, will you go away?
- You're ugly, I'm busy. Have a nice day.
- How many times do I have to flush to get rid of you?
- Have you ever considered becoming a missing person?
- People come and people go...and the sooner you're gone, the better.
- I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
- Excuse me, I think you are mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.
- If I give you a going away present, will you do your part?
46 posted on 12/29/2003 7:30:18 AM PST by Libloather (USSC choice, Grade A, government inspected and approved, semi-free opinion...)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: ILBBACH
- Why don't you stick your head out the window - feet first?
- Someday you'll go too far - and I hope you stay there.
- It's nice hearing from you. Next time, just send a postcard.
- Anything goes tonight, and may you be the first.
- It was nice of you to come. When are you going?
- If you have anything else to do tonight - don't neglect it!
- Let's go someplace where we can each be alone.
- If you ever need me, please hesitate to call.
- I heard you the first time, I was just ignoring you.
47 posted on 12/29/2003 7:40:29 AM PST by Libloather (USSC choice, Grade A, government inspected and approved, semi-free opinion...)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Corin Stormhands
ping
48 posted on 12/29/2003 7:42:07 AM PST by Professional Engineer (28Dec ~ I felt my unborn child move this morning!!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 47 | View Replies]

To: ILBBACH
I'll never forget the best comeback I ever made. It was in the Marines and there were these three really arrogant and smarmy Marines who used to hang out together and put everybody else down who wasn't "in their clique." They especially liked ganging up on me because I was still new to the unit and my shy nature didn't win me many friends at first. So they considered me "easy pickings" and rode me unmercifully.

Anyway, one time we are out in the field on one of those desert exercises and there was a lot of downtime so all of us are just hanging around. I'm sitting there reading a book, minding my own business, when these three guys surround me (in front of the rest of the unit) and start ragging on me.

One of them took to calling me "queer bait" and so asked me in front of the group if I thought I was "queer bait."

I innocently replied "Queer bait...you mean somebody who attracts queers, right?"

"Yeah," said the Marine, "That's what I mean."

"Well," I replied, "I've got three of them standing around me right now so I guess it must be true."

The entire unit cracked up for like five minutes. You should have seen how red their faces got! They didn't harass me too much after that.

49 posted on 12/29/2003 7:57:31 AM PST by SamAdams76 (Happy New Year!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Professional Engineer; HairOfTheDog; g'nad
I don't know why you pinged me to this thread, you useless waste of organic material.

You're like a Happy Meal without the prize.

50 posted on 12/29/2003 8:31:58 AM PST by Corin Stormhands (Can I exchange this tagline without a receipt?)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 48 | View Replies]


Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first 1-5051-89 next last

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
General/Chat
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson