Tribute to a Dead Squirrel

Just to the right of my medulla oblongata | March 11, 2004 | Me, Myself and I

[BluegrassScholar]

Last week I awoke just past noon (having slept the sleep of the suddenly redundant) and stumbled into my yard to retrieve the morning paper. I realize I should probably cancel my subscription to economize, but I continue to subscribe if for no other reason than to get my weekly fix of Ann Coulter. Anyway, as I'm retrieving the paper, I noticed a dead squirrel near my aspidistra (and, no, that's not a dirty word). Being a native Mississippian, I am, of course, immediately intrigued by anything having to do with a dead animal, whether I killed it or not. After closer inspection and repeatedly poking the late squirrel with a stick, I could discern no evidence of blunt trauma nor wounds that would point to a attack from the neighborhood ninja kitties. It appeared the squirrel had simply ignored the pleadings of Dylan Thomas and chosen instead to go gently into that good night.

I was faced with two choices - dispose of the squirrel properly (although I'm not sure what that entails) or sling it over my fence into the neighbor's yard. I opted for the latter and with Einstein-like prowess, mentally computed in mere moments the calculus and algorithms necessary for the proper velocity, trajectory and flight path to carry the squirrel from my yard approximately 40 feet into my neighbor's yard. I suppose I could have simply picked up the squirrel, walked over to the fence and dropped it on the other side, but how often does one have the opportunity to fling a dead squirrel? Sometimes you just gotta carpe diem. I should interject at this stage of the story that the neighboring house is on the market and otherwise unoccupied. I mean, I still would have chunked the squirrel over the fence even if someone was living there, but perhaps more surreptitiously.

Grabbing the squirrel by the tail, I began spinning it over my head to work up the required centrifugal forces necessary to cover the 40 feet. However, too late I discovered that my calculations failed to account for the rate of biological decomposition as the body of the squirrel separated prematurely from the tail and deviated from the planned flight path. In fact, the squirrel deviated right into the street just as a perky realtor drove up with a young couple looking for that perfect starter home, and thudded soundly on the hood of her Pacific green Volvo and slid to a stop spread-eagled against her windshield. I'm not sure the English language has a vocabulary extensive enough to convey the sense of shock on the faces of the realtor and prospective buyers as they gazed first at the squirrel with no tail and then at me, standing there shirtless, wearing World Wrestling Federation pajama bottoms and a pair of white shrimping boots (also known as "Bayou Reeboks"). I think you can guess the house didn't sell that day. I'm surmising the young couple did not want to live next to a half-naked man that throws dead animals at passing cars. At least I don't have to worry about new neighbors.

[GeronL]

OK Mr Blue.. Since I am not all that familiar with your, um, body of work. Answer me this: IS THAT a true story? =O)

[hole_n_one]

Are we just supposed to assume that while standing there shirtless, wearing World Wrestling Federation pajama bottoms and a pair of white shrimping boots, there is the remnants of a squirrel's tail clutched in your hand?

....or had you stuck it down your pajama bottoms and fed it out the little access slot in the front by this point?

[Lady Jag]

Until I read that I was the only one still awake in the house and my keyboard was dry.

[GATOR NAVY]

...me, standing there shirtless, wearing World Wrestling Federation pajama bottoms and a pair of white shrimping boots (also known as "Bayou Reeboks").

Redneck Neighbor

[GretchenEE]

I'd like to be able to write an ode to the squirrel that's eating my prize irises and assorted other bulbuous flowers.

I miss them.

I would not miss him.

[filbert]

This is by far the funniest thing I've seen on the Internet in at least a year...

[Rollee]

You are one hilarious person. I sell real estate, so this story brought tears to my eyes.

[Sauce]

Yeah, just what did you do with the tail?? ROTFLMAOWTIME'S

[texasflower]

Hilarious!

[GovernmentShrinker]

Always gotta factor in the magic separating tail thing. If you'd ever seen a squirrel almost make it past a car that was heading for it, you'd appreciate how efficiently those tail segments come off. I once watched a squirrel racing across a street at top speed, trying to beat an oncoming car. All but a couple of inches of the squirrel's tail made it, and amazingly there was not even a momentary reduction in the squirrel's forward velocity, as the car's tire clamped down on the end of the squirrel's tail. I'm surprised your squirrel didn't land on your head :-)

[Professional Engineer]

ping

[IWONDR]

Reading to my son, your ode, he suggested that at least you have a start (the tail-end portion of the deceased) on your next exurban daniel boone hat.

YOUR TALES ARE HILARIOUS.

PLEASE TELL US MORE!

[azGOPgal]

Sis, read this for a good laugh.

[Darksheare]

Uh oh, the squirrel suiciddes are coming to mind.
Have an image that goes with the squirrels suicides, but it's probablty inappropriate.
(Let's just say, a squirrels hangs himself with a noose.)

Throwing dead squirrels at cars.. even by accident.
Gotta e\admit, that IS funny.
(Like the article recently about the angry squirrel grenade. The guy on a motorcycle throws a live squirrel who is trying to do harm into a car as he rockets down the road in fear. Target car: Police cruiser with two unsuspecting Law Enforcement finest inside..)

[Professional Engineer]

ROFL. I was thinking about the Squirrel Grenade too.

[BluegrassScholar]

Thanks for the kind words. Please see "Ode to a Toenail" in this same forum.

[Darksheare]

I didn't keep a link to it!
UGH!

[South40]