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Times Roman Font Announces Shortage of Periods

Posted on 03/28/2005 8:11:18 PM PST by EveningStar

Representatives of the popular Times Roman font recently announced a shortage of periods and have offered substitutes -- such as inverted commas, exclamation marks, and semicolons -- until the crisis is overcome by people such as yourself, who through creative management of surplus punctuation can perhaps allay the constant demand for periods, whose heavy usage in the last ten years (not only in English but in virtually every language in the world) is creating a burden on writers everywhere, thus generating a litany of comments, among them: "What the hell am I supposed to do without my periods? How am I going to write? Isn't this a terrible disaster? Are they crazy? Won't this just lead to misuse of other, less interesting punctuation???"

"Most vulnerable are writers who work in short, choppy sentences," said a spokesperson for Times Roman, who continued, "We are trying to remedy the situation and have suggested alternatives, like umlauts, since we have plenty of umlauts -- and, in fact, have more umlauts than we could possibly use in a lifetime! Don't forget, umlauts can really spice up a page with their delicate symmetry -- resting often midway in a word, letters spilling on either side -- and not only indicate the pronunciation of a word but also contribute to a writer's greater glory because they're fancy, not to mention that they even look like periods, indeed, are indistinguishable from periods, and will lead casual readers to believe that the article actually contains periods!"

Bobby Brainard, a writer living in an isolated cabin in Montana -- who is, in fact, the only writer living in an isolated cabin in Montana who is not insane -- is facing a dilemma typical of writers across the nation: "I have a sentence that has just got to be stopped; it is currently sixteen pages long and is edging out the front door and is now so lumbering I'm starting to worry that one period alone won't be enough -- that I'll need at least two to finally kill it off -- and if that doesn't work, I've ordered an elephant gun from Jessie's, and if I don't get some periods fast I'm going to have to use it..."

The magazine International Hebrew has offered this emergency statement: "We currently have an oversupply of backwards periods and will be happy to send some to Mister Brainard or anyone else facing a crisis!" .period backwards the in slip you while moment a for way other the look to sentence the getting is trick only The

The general concern of writers is summed up by this brief telegram:

Period shortage mustn't continue stop
Stop-stoppage must come to a full stop stop
We must resolve it and stop the stoppage stop
Yours truly,
Tom Stoppard

Needless to say, there has been an increasing pressure on the ellipsis... "I assure you," said the spokesperson, "I assure you the ellipsis is not -- repeat, is not -- just three periods strung together, and, although certain writers have plundered the ellipsis for its dots, such dots are deeply inelegant and ineffective when used to stop a sentence!? An ellipsis point is too weak to stop a modern sentence, which would require at least two ellipsis points, leaving the third dot to stand alone pointlessly -- and, indeed, two periods at the end of a sentence would look like a typo, comprende? And why is Times Roman so important? Why can't writers employ some of our other, lesser-used fonts, such as Goofy Deluxe, Namby Pamby Extra Narrow, or Gone Fishin'?"

In fact, there is movement toward alternate punctuation; consider the New Punctuation and Suicide Cult in Southern Texas, whose credo is "Why not try some new and different kinds of punctuation and then kill ourselves?" Notice how these knotty epigrams from Shakespeare are easily unraveled:

Every cloud engenders not a storm :)

Horatio, I am dead :(

Remembering the Albertus Extra Bold asterisk embargo of several years back, one hopes the crisis is solved quickly, because a life of exclamation marks, no matter how superficially exciting, is no life at all! There are, of course, many other fonts one could use if the crisis continues, but frankly, which would you rather be faced with -- Namby Pamby Extra Narrow or the bosomy sexuality of Times Roman? The shortage itself may be a useful one, provided it's over quickly, for it has made at least this author appreciate and value his one spare period, and it is with great respect that I use it now.


TOPICS: Cheese, Moose, Sister; Chit/Chat; Humor; Weird Stuff
KEYWORDS: grammar; punctuation

1 posted on 03/28/2005 8:11:19 PM PST by EveningStar
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To: EveningStar

That's a Steve Martin classic...


2 posted on 03/28/2005 8:14:07 PM PST by JennysCool (Terri may not be a persistent vegetable, but Michael is most certainly a persistent animal.)
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To: JennysCool

I had no idea. I got it via email years ago and never bothered to check.


3 posted on 03/28/2005 8:15:26 PM PST by EveningStar
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To: EveningStar

Amazingly, i just got the collection it's in today! found it at a second-hand store! :-)


4 posted on 03/28/2005 8:26:00 PM PST by JennysCool (Terri may not be a persistent vegetable, but Michael is most certainly a persistent animal.)
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To: JennysCool
How about that. Thanks. :)
5 posted on 03/28/2005 8:29:14 PM PST by EveningStar
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To: EveningStar
That mangled Bush quote was the last time Maureen Dowd saw three periods in a row.
6 posted on 03/28/2005 8:50:58 PM PST by Doctor Raoul (Support Our Troops, Spit On A Reporter)
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To: EveningStar

I don't know what the big deal is. I haven't had a period in years! ;)


7 posted on 03/28/2005 8:52:24 PM PST by CitizenM (An excuse is worse and more terrible than a lie, for an excuse is a lie guarded. Pope John Paul II)
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To: EveningStar

Wow! Thanks for the link!


8 posted on 03/28/2005 8:59:52 PM PST by JennysCool (Terri may not be a persistent vegetable, but Michael is most certainly a persistent animal.)
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To: EveningStar

This article is pointless.


9 posted on 03/28/2005 9:32:55 PM PST by Jeff Chandler (Tagline schmagline.)
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To: EveningStar; mikrofon; martin_fierro

A veritable knowledge of font!


10 posted on 03/28/2005 9:45:19 PM PST by Charles Henrickson (Periodic tagline)
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To: EveningStar

I don't know why there would be a shortage... unless... nah... couldn't be... could it?


11 posted on 03/28/2005 9:46:05 PM PST by Chad Fairbanks (Sure you can trust the government... just ask an Indian...)
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To: Jeff Chandler

Maybe so, but there are unpteen hundreds of vanities a day lately. Finally, we have one that probably won't turn into a flame war... unless...


12 posted on 03/28/2005 9:47:12 PM PST by Chad Fairbanks (Sure you can trust the government... just ask an Indian...)
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To: EveningStar

"What's with all of these femine hygeine commercials? There are some rather fertile women around here. These ladies have more periods than a Hemingway novel. Copernicus used these chicks to set the lunar cycle." --- Dennis Miller


13 posted on 03/28/2005 9:47:40 PM PST by Clemenza (Alcohol Tobacco & Firearms: The Other Holy Trinity)
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To: Chad Fairbanks

I could make a cheap joke linking this to the Schiavo case, but I won't.


14 posted on 03/28/2005 9:48:52 PM PST by Clemenza (Alcohol Tobacco & Firearms: The Other Holy Trinity)
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To: Clemenza

I was this --> close to doing the same, but I decided not to.


15 posted on 03/28/2005 9:50:02 PM PST by Chad Fairbanks (Sure you can trust the government... just ask an Indian...)
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To: Chad Fairbanks
Representatives of the popular Times Roman font recently announced a shortage of periods

That does it! I say it's time for a Times New Roman!

16 posted on 03/28/2005 9:52:36 PM PST by Charles Henrickson (The Writers of Roman)
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To: EveningStar

It seems that we have these period shortages periodically [period] The answer is to develop more domestic period sources [period] Period [period]


17 posted on 03/28/2005 9:57:49 PM PST by Route66 (America's Main Street)
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To: Chad Fairbanks

Sorry, too subtle, LOL!



point n.

...
4. A mark formed by or as if by a sharp end.


18 posted on 03/28/2005 9:58:26 PM PST by Jeff Chandler (Tagline schmagline.)
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To: Jeff Chandler

ROTFL...


19 posted on 03/28/2005 10:09:44 PM PST by Chad Fairbanks (Sure you can trust the government... just ask an Indian...)
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To: Clemenza

"Today" hostess Katie Couric gets her colon checked.
It is not known if she is experiencing a shortage of periods.

20 posted on 03/28/2005 10:11:47 PM PST by Charles Henrickson (Is her hyphen still intact?)
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To: Route66

Yeah, if we would only increase domestic production we might have enough to offset the world crisis, if only for a few hundred years[period]Liberals! Using too many periods, all the while demanding we all cut back on our use[period] Next, they'll be asking us to wear thermostats and turn down our sweaters[period]


21 posted on 03/29/2005 4:43:51 AM PST by Big Giant Head (Barring all differences, they're identical.)
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To: EveningStar

See? This is the direct result of Punctuation Outsourcing!

*grumbles* Lousy administration sending all our efficient, high-paying periods overseas...


22 posted on 03/29/2005 4:49:44 AM PST by ItsOurTimeNow (May the matchless name of Jesus be the anthem of our lives.)
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To: Charles Henrickson; mikrofon
"Today" hostess Katie Couric gets her colon checked.
It is not known if she is experiencing a shortage of periods.

I shall not comma.

23 posted on 03/29/2005 5:57:29 AM PST by martin_fierro (Unnngh-lat.)
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To: martin_fierro; Charles Henrickson
, , , , ,
24 posted on 03/29/2005 9:13:17 AM PST by mikrofon (It comes and goes...)
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To: Big Giant Head

"Yeah, if we would only increase domestic production we might have enough to offset the world crisis, if only for a few hundred years[period]Liberals! Using too many periods, all the while demanding we all cut back on our use[period] Next, they'll be asking us to wear thermostats and turn down our sweaters[period]"

.......................................

And [comma]knowing that they will never stop with periods [comma] we will all wake up one day and find that they are rationing our commas [comma] too.


25 posted on 03/29/2005 9:24:14 AM PST by Route66 (America's Main Street)
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To: Swordmaker; HAL9000

ping?


26 posted on 04/01/2005 9:40:17 AM PST by SunkenCiv (last updated my FreeRepublic profile on Friday, March 25, 2005.)
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