Cuddling cowboys movie? No thanks, not interested

Contra Costa Times ^ | 1/6/6 | TOM BARNIDGE

[SmithL]

I remember the moment I first saw the trailer for "Brokeback Mountain," the movie that has captured critics' hearts. I leaned over to my wife, Faith, and gently whispered into her ear: "Well, it's about time. America has been needing a movie about gay cowboys."

I've always wondered how they whiled away the long nights on the prairie. And why it took four weeks to drive the herd to market. Now we know what Tonto really meant with all that talk about his "kemo sabe."

So "Brokeback Mountain" is already a classic? I think David Letterman may have put it best: "If you enjoy seeing men kiss, then this is the movie to see."

Critics have described the film as "an epic love story," photographed with "heart-pounding beauty" and "unmissable." And who am I to argue with epic love or, for that matter, heart-pounding beauty? "Unmissable" is a whole other issue. There are so many things I'd rather do than see this film. Clean the garage. Paint the house. Resod the neighborhood.

Of all the mental images I will allow to claim space in my head, broad-shouldered cowboys cuddling in a bedroll is not one. Even though I'm certain it is a tender moment of silver screen magic. Sort of like "Casablanca," only with men.

We'll always have that night on the range, Ennis.

And before we go any further, let me make a request: Kindly hold the hate mail. I'm not a close-minded, insensitive, homophobic skinhead. I have a full head of hair.

I don't want to see this movie for the same reasons I don't attend Russian spelling bees or read books about nuclear physics. I have a hard time relating to the subject matter. (And again, in the interest of sensitivity, I have nothing against Russian spellers or nuclear physicists.)

The commercials for "Brokeback Mountain" keep sneaking onto my TV set, and my mind wanders in places in shouldn't go. What about Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid? What about Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday? Roy Rogers? Gene Autry? Shane? What about all those lonely gunhands holed up at the Alamo for all those nights and days?

My hat's off to anyone who finds love. Men with women. Women with women. Men with men. But I don't plan to spend $12 and set aside two hours to watch it consummated under 10-gallon hats.

Faith thinks I'm sadly predictable in this regard, which is why she saw the film without me. She thinks I'm too conventional, and maybe she's right. I'm not even sure I want to see "King Kong": I'm not all that comfortable with a gigantic ape dating a 37-year-old blonde.

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Tom Barnidge is the Times sports editor. Reach him at tbarnidge@cctimes.com.

[Old Seadog]

You may have something there. Just look at the shirts worn by Roy Rogers. Not too manly,eh?

[justshutupandtakeit]

In the 18th century "roger" meant "f@ck"

[Woman on Caroline Street]

Gives a whole new meaning to Buck Rogers then, doesn't it?

[Woman on Caroline Street]

Do you use milk from horses to make the pudding?

[dhuffman@awod.com]

So you missed the news from Seattle - where else - about the death of a man due to sex with a horse? Let your imagination work on what hasn't been said - or not.

[dhuffman@awod.com]

So you missed the news from Seattle - where else - about the death of a man due to sex with a horse? Let your imagination work on what hasn't been said - or not.

[jazusamo]

Settle down. Don't get so upset about the lack of PC. If it upsets you, just don't read it.

[Woman on Caroline Street]

My point exactly about beating this dead horse subject.

[GOPPachyderm]

Ewwwww. I didn't know that and it explains a lot of references to pudding that I've seen.

I have another question - do people use the word "SERIES" instead of "SERIOUS" deliberately, or is this a simple typo/misspelling. I assumed the latter for a long time, but it is just too prevalent not to be intentional. Hope you can clear that up for me too!

[jazusamo]

To many it is not a dead horse subject. It is a subject that offends many people deeply and a lot of them find humor in joking about it. I confess that includes me.

[LongElegantLegs]

Real-Life Script Idea

[SmithL]

I'm not into cows, sheep, or horses, but thanks for asking.
; )

[MortMan]

Do you mean "After me, the deluge" in your tagline? If so, the first word should be spelled "Aprez", I believe.

[Jack Deth]

Hi, Uncle Mom:

You've obviously not seen Arthur Penn's "The Missouri Breaks", from 1976. Where in one scene, bounty hunter Marlon Brando moves behind his horse while discussing Jack Nicholson's fate and does something to the animal while Nicholson looks on.

Jack.

[jazusamo]

I remember that touching little scene with Brando. There were other incidents similar to that in other movies. He also led what many would call a life of aberrant behavior. I just call him weird.

[cgk]

Want to see something scarier than Cuddling Cowboys?