Posted on 07/25/2007 3:35:03 PM PDT by Sonora
Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1: MIKE’S MANIC MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy Shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2: ARTHUR’S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3: FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced.
CHILI # 4: BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating.
CHILI # 5: LINDA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin’ Rednecks! ! !
CHILI # 6: VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
CHILI # 7: SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.
FRANK: You could put a #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8: HELEN’S MOUNT SAINT CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor’s Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).
LOL!
#1: So what did you do over the weekend?
#2: Well, I got a dog for my wife.
#1: Ooooh, nice trade.
Murphy O’Toole pulled up to his favorite pub, but couldn’t find a parking space.
“Lord,” he cried aloud, “If’n you’d see fit to find me a place ta park, I swear ta go right, attend church every Sunday, and love me fellow man!”
All of a sudden, a shaft of glorious light accompanied by the singing of angels pierces down from the clouds and seperates the ocean of vehicles, leaving a large, open space.
“Nevermind, Lord, I found me one!”
bttt
yawn
Murphy’s lesser known laws
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance
of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability
you’ll get it wrong.
- If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them,
five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day
drinking beer.
- The shin bone is a device for finding
furniture in a dark room.
- When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the
hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out
of jury duty.
After a minute the second guy says, "I'd like to propose a toast to St. Mary's Parish. Greatest parish in the greatest city in the world!" The first guy says, "Faith! I'm from St. Mary's, too!" And they drink.
After a moment the first one says, "I'd like to propose a toast. To Bristol Street, the greatest street in the greatest parish in the greatest city in the world!" "Mother of God," says the second guy, "I lived on Bristol Street, too!" And they drink.
As they're congratulating themselves, a man walks into the bar and walks up to the bartender and asks what's up?
"Oh not much," the bartender says, "Just the O'Mally twins. Drunk again."
WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY...
LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN’T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP
THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE
WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”, AND POSSIBLY HAVE
A PRESENT FOR ME.
AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY.”
I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT’S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL
REMEMBER. MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN’T SAY A WORD.
SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND
SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.
AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY, JANE SAID,
“GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER
THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.
I WORKED UNTIL ONE O’CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR
AND SAID,
“YOU KNOW, IT’S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT’S YOUR
BIRTHDAY, LET’S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME.”
I SAID, “THANKS JANE, THAT’S THE GREATEST THING I’VE HEARD ALL DAY.
LET’S GO!”
WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN’T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO.
WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO
MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY.
ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, “YOU KNOW, IT’S SUCH A
BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON’T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?”
I RESPONDED, “I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?”
SHE SAID, “LET’S GO TO MY APARTMENT.”
AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID,
“BOSS, IF YOU DON’T MIND, I’M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A
MOMENT. I’LL BE RIGHT BACK.”
“OK.” I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.
SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE
CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE,
KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY”. AND I JUST SAT THERE...ON THE COUCH...
NAKED.
Thanks, that’s going to really come in handy. LOL
LOL, good one
Man: "Hello."
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club"?
Man: "Yes."
Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it"?
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one that I really liked."
Man: "How much"?
Woman: "$90,000."
Man: "Okay, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It's really a pretty good price."
Woman: "Okay. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
Man: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He smiles and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is"?
On a one-off charter, an Aer Lingus flight from Dublin was descending to land at its destination with Paddy in command and Shamus as the co-pilot.
As they approached from the north, Paddy spotted the unfamiliar airport.
‘Well fook me!’ gasped Paddy. ‘Will ya be lookin at dat Shamus! Can ya believe it? Look how fookin short dat runway is! ‘
Shamus peered out.
‘Holy Mudder o’ Jeesus!’ spluttered Shamus, rapidly crossing himself three times, ‘You’re not fookin jokin Paddy!’
As the airliner made it’s final approach Paddy barked out orders to the ever more apprehensive Shamus. ‘Right, when I give de word, I want ya to apply full reverse thrust to de engines.’
‘To be sure Oi’ll be doing dat,’ replied Shamus.
‘And den stamp on de brakes with all of your fookin might,’ said Paddy
‘Oi’ll be doing dat too,’ replied Shamus.
‘And pray to Mudder Mary with all o’ your heart ‘n’ soul!’ said Paddy.
‘I’m doing dat already!’ muttered Shamus.
As they drifted down towards the runway with full flaps and barely above stalling speed, Paddy and Shamus were absolutely shitting themselves. The spilt second the wheels hit the tarmac, Shamus applied full reverse thrust and jumped on the brakes for all he was worth.... feverishly mumbling to Holy Mary, Mother of Jesus and the whole pantheon of saints to save his wretched soul.
With screaming engines and screeching tyres, in a billowing cloud of smoke and dust, the jetliner slammed to a dead stop.... just a quarter inch from the end of the runway. Amid the commotion and hubbub from the passenger compartment, Paddy and Shamus, drenched in sweat, eyes wide open, sat breathlessly looking straight ahead.
Dazed, finally Paddy spoke.
‘Shamus, to be truthful, I’m not lookin forward to de fookin takeoff.....dis really has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole fookin life!’
Shamus slowly turned to look out the side window.
‘It is to be sure Paddy....but Oi’ll be fooked if I know what de bastards were tinking of when dey built it.....de ting has got to be at least a fookin mile wide!’
“beef hooked” is us in 2008!
(see #77 for a pretty funny Scottish joke, also)
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men’s used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns &Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
“Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don’t mess with the pit bulls — they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don’t think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.”
PS - I locked all four of ‘em in the house. Better wait outside.
The wife says: "For a million? Sure, why not?"
The man then asks: "OK, would you do me for $10?"
The wife: "Eww! Why would I do that?"
The man: "Well, with my first question I established that you are a whore. Now I'm just negotiating the price!"
I love my wife. She gives GREAT head-ache...
Q: What were the 2 Mexican FireFighting Brother’s names?
A: Hose A and Hose B
What do you call an guy with no arms or legs floating in the ocean?
Corky.
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