****THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD****

At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.

At a Towing Company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.

At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition.

At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

At the electric company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.

At the entrance of the large machinery plant: Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist.

Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.

Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: Hello. May we pick your nose?

Gym: Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear!

In a Beauty Shop: Dye now!

In a counselors office: Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

In a dentist office: Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.

In a dry cleaner's emporium: Drop your pants here.

In a farmer’s field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but be aware that the bull charges.

In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.

In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

In a Podiatrist's window: Time wounds all heels.

In a restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

In a toilet: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. We’ll wait.

On a butcher's window: Let me meat your needs.

On a desk in a reception room: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

On a fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push.

On a Music Teacher's door: Out Chopin.

On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard — bell out of order.)

On a Scientist's door: Gone Fission

On a taxidermist's window: We really know our stuff.

On an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.

On the door of a Computer Store: Out for a quick byte.

On the door of a Music Library: Bach in a min-u-et.

Outside a Hotel: Help! We need inn-experienced people.

Outside a radiator repair shop: Best place in town to take a leak.

Sign at the psychic's Hotline: Don't call us, we'll call you.

CRAIGSLIST POSTING (AND ANSWER):

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I’m tired of beating around the bush. I’m a beautiful
(spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I’m articulate and classy.
I’m not from New York . I’m looking to get married to a guy who makes at
least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind
that a million a year is middle class in New York City , so I don’t
think I’m overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could
you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around
200 - 250. But that’s where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won’t get
me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married
to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she’s not as pretty as
I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I
get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,
restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won’t hurt my
feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I’m 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east
side so plain? I’ve seen really ‘plain jane’ boring types who have
nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I’ve seen drop dead
gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What’s the story
there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment
banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they
hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for
MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I’m putting myself out there in an honest
way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I’m being up front
about it. I wouldn’t be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn’t
able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a
nice home and hearth.

* it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with
services or
other commercial interests

++++

THE ANSWER

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully
about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I’m not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your
bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here’s how I
see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a
crappy business deal. Here’s why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you
suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring
my money. Fine, simple. But here’s the rub, your looks will fade and my
money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely
that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won’t
be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning
asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
accelerates! Let me explain, you’re 25 now and will likely stay pretty
hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in
earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy
and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn’t make good business sense
to “buy you” (which is what you’re asking) so I’d rather lease. In case
you think I’m being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were
to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It’s
as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So,
I wonder why a girl as “articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful”
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to
believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K
hasn’t found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then
we wouldn’t need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you’re going about it the right way.
Classic “pump and dump.”

I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of
lease, let me know.

Two men were driving through West Virginia when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

“What the hell was that for?” the driver asked.

“You’re in West Virginia, son,” the trooper answered. “When we pull you over in West Virginia, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car.”

“I’m sorry, officer,” the driver said, “I’m not from around here.”

The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license—he’s clean and gives the guy his license back.

The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and “WHACK”, the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

“What’d you do that for?” the passenger demands.

“Just making your wish come true,” replied the trooper.

“Making WHAT wish come true?” the passenger asked.

“Because I know your type.” the trooper says, “Two miles down the road you’re gonna turn to your buddy and say,”I wish that asshole would’ve tried that shit with me”.

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