Posted on 11/14/2008 4:42:45 AM PST by Lucky9teen
EVERYONE HAS THEIR PRIORITIES
OMG!
It’s my idiot coworker!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change ! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
SARAH PALIN: That road the liberal media claim that chicken crossed? Well that is the Road to Nowhere, and I told Congress. Thanks but no thanks to that. So there isn’t any road for that chicken to cross and any reporter who says otherwise ought to be fired.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One! that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road.. But then, this really isn’t about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here
DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty ! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die . In the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth? That’s why they call it the ‘other side.’ Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like ‘the other side.’ That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a seri ous case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Top 50.
Bimp to the top.
Note Found on the Refrigerator One Morning:
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don’t be upset——I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
St Peter asks him.. "What did you do, in your time on earth to help a fellow human being"?
The man answers: "Well, there was this band of bikers accosting a young lady, I snatched her away from them.. I ripped off their leaders nose ring, punched him in the jaw, kicked over his motorcycle, and told them.. "If any of you want this woman, you're going to have to come through me first!"
St Peter replied:"Wow, I'm impressed, when did this happen?"
Man: "Oh, just about 5 minutes ago!"
Nope - same time as usual. Maybe it’s the whole time change thing (fall back)? and since I’m in AZ, my clocks don’t ever have to go forward or back. ;)
Seriously though, my idiot coworker came home from a party.
She was tanked, of course, and parked her car with the backend out in the road.
Of course, being that the sudsy types travel in knots from the watering hole, it wasn’t long until another fellow reveler came along and decided to shear off the backside of her Ford Escort.
Took it clean off at the rear windscreen.
She had the nerve to try and claim she was ‘sick’ the next morning.
Ouch - that left a mark.
Hope this doesn’t offend anyone...
The Offended Bartender
A Korean man goes into a bar and waits for the African American bartender to come over towards him.
“Give me jigger, n*gger,” the man says.
The bartender, shocked and offended, asks him to repeat what he just said.
“I said give me a jigger, n*gger,” he replies.
Trying to keep his cool, the Bartender poors the man his drink, sets it on the bar, and says, “Call me that again and you’re a dead man.”
The Korean man replies, “Oh, I’m sorry, does that bother you?”
“Hell yes it bothers me. How would you like it if you were in my position and I came in here calling you names?”
“I don’t know, why don’t we try it?” the Korean suggests. The bartender figures he’ll have a little fun, so he agrees and switches places with the man, allowing him to go behind the bar.
The bartender sits down at the bar and snaps, “Give me a drink, chink.”
The Korean calmly replies from behind the bar, “Sorry, we don’t serve black people in here.”
HAPPY FRIDAY!!!
WOW!
ISN'T ALCOHOL FUN?
Yes, best when it’s happening to someone else.
*chuckle*
"Frankly, I don't see the resemblance"
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.